snowed in

Posted on January 22, 2012 by Kyle

Just a quick hello from my snow and ice bound, and powerless, home.  We’re pushing 80+ hours off the grid, but are doing alright due to some preparedness and the awesomeness of friends and neighbors.  We’ve got a generator, which we’ve been sharing with the next door neighbors.  We’ve got cords of wood, split this summer during my unemployment.  Our fireplace makes the living room a good place to spend our days, and we have loads of warm blankets to get us through the nights.  The generator allows us to run our fridge and keep our freezer frozen, and we can switch cords and power the wifi and our recharging station (a power strip on the office floor) so our phones and laptops and tablet are powered up.

We’ve been sharing resources with our next door neighbors, they have a gas stove, and have invited us over for a couple of hot meals.  Gas hot water heaters mean we can take showers and wash our dishes.  We aren’t doing nearly as badly as some folks in the area, and any of us with houses are doing better than those without.  Boredom is barely being staved off by books and some internet time, tablet games for the toddler and some socializing with other friends in the neighborhood.  All in all, we’re very fortunate.

The stir crazy mentality is taking its toll on each of us though, and I’m glad that school will be in session tomorrow (albeit with a late start) and I’ll be heading to work.  My truck is still snow bound, and there is the matter of the power line down across our driveway, but we can get out in the Subaru, so my wife will give me a lift to and from work.  The toddler will go to daycare.  We’re hoping that we don’t cross the 96 hour mark (tomorrow at 8), but if we do, I fervently wish our neighborhood greets Monday evening with all the bright glow of streetlights and TV sets.

I don’t know how many of you are Western Washington, dealing with this, but good luck and I hope we all come out of the dark soon.

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PSA: Why SOPA/PIPA screws the pootch for everyone

Posted on January 18, 2012 by Kyle

I’m gonna let a smart guy tell you about SOPA/PIPA and why we need to make sure the House and Senate resoundingly defeat these bills.

Khan Academy on SOPA/PIPA

If you don’t know what Khan Academy is, it’s an excellent resource for educational videos on a ton of subjects, including American Civics.  Enjoy.

 

Kill SOPA/PIPA!

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Posted in acting up, community, public service announcement | Tagged | 2 Comments

Changing the World Begins *here*

Posted on January 16, 2012 by Kyle

There is a lot I’d like to change about the world, a lot that frustrates me, plenty that makes me grieve for my fellow earthlings.  It’s easy to lay blame, to say ‘someone oughta do something!’, and I’m certainly guilty of taking that easy road at times. When I calm down and return to breathing normally, however, I realize that the only way to change the world is to make change.  And for most of us, who don’t have national or global power at our fingertips, the place to make change is right here, where we live.

Roxy hinted at ‘good works’ I was doing in a recent post.  I guess one of the things she’s talking about is the work I do with GLBTQQIAA youth.  I am one of a group of very dedicated and amazing volunteers from an organization that provides discussion and support for high school students who are GLBTQQIA and their allies for lunch, once a week during the school year.  Each participating school gets two trained facilitators who bring pizza and resources.  They provide support and meeting space.  As an organization, we’re having continued success this year, adding two new schools starting this month.  We now have a presence in all three major school districts in the area, for a total of 6 programs.  We are only limited by available facilitators and money for pizzas.

Facilitators (I’m one of these) participate in an ongoing training/learning process on topics like conflict resolution, gender identity, suicide prevention, privilege/oppression, legal reporting responsibilities, local resources for abused/ homeless/emancipated and otherwise challenged youth and more.  We meet with the larger organization once every 6 weeks and at the same pace, on different nights, at a meeting for just the facilitators:  swapping stories, giving support, celebrating successes.  So if you wonder how I spend some of my time (when I’m not blogging or parenting or working for a living or playing with Roxy), this is part of the answer.  Every Thursday during the school year, I’m spending about 2 hours at my alma-mater, working with my co-facilitator and the staff and faculty of the high school to provide a safe space for GLBTQQIA kids and their friends to talk, get support, learn more about queer issues and politics, learn more about then they’ll ever learn in a classroom and have a chance to hang with two healthy, happy queer adults.

Sometimes my co-facilitator and I will come with a game plan of sorts — a topic to discuss, or a training program of some kind — but we’ve only got about 20 minutes per lunch, and that usually includes a round of checkins from everyone.  Some days we just hang and follow whatever topic comes up, sometimes we play a group game or do some art therapy activity.  We’re always looking for ways to engage them and also mindful of sometimes dropping everything to give space for the events of their lives.  The two hours we’re at school cover two lunches, and two very different groups of kids.  Lots of times, what happens in one lunch in terms of discussions and activities, is very different from what happens in the second lunch.   We work very hard to be flexible and responsive to what they want and need.  It’s all about giving them space and access to resources.

Lately, our kids have been going through a lot of big ups and downs (and everything in between, it comes with the territory).  On Christmas Day, a former student of the high school, someone known by a few members of our group, committed suicide.  We didn’t know how much time they’d need to talk about him and their feelings and reactions, but we knew we’d give them all the time they wanted.  We also know, based on a survey they filled out earlier this year, that a lot of them have harmed themselves physically (on purpose) and/or attempted suicide.  We have facilitator binders with all kinds of information, including local and national suicide hotlines and related resources.  We also know that sometimes the very best thing we can do is be present, make space and listen.  And that’s what we did.  So far they’re all doing pretty well.

On the up side, we’re getting some really positive declarations of identity and some really bold actions.  At our last meeting, one girl in first lunch came into the room practically floating, she was bubbling over with excitement and happiness.  This is the same girl who’s had a very hard time with her parents, who still don’t accept that she’s a lesbian.  She’s a brave one though, continuing to challenge them to accept her and allow her to participate in activities (like Gay Pride) that relate to her identity.  On this particular day, she was eager to share her highs and lows.  The high was that another girl had asked her out to the Sadie Hawkins dance.  The low was that her dad was a bit freaked about her going alone with another girl and said they had to go as a group (ok, so the friends are supposed to chaperone, Dad, is that what  you’re hoping for?).  We were all very excited and happy for her.

In second lunch, another girl was similarly bubbling over with eagerness to share her high of the week:  she was the one who’d asked the first girl to the dance.  Do you guys have an idea how huge this is?  Maybe not, since girls asking girls and boys asking boys to dances is in the news occasionally.  It’s still a big deal, and very transgressive.  The school I graduated from was, and is still, a pretty conservative place as a whole.  We’re chipping away at it, but the area it draws from has a lot of rural and conservative influence.  I’m really proud of both of them for taking such a bold step.

Another second lunch girl told us that she was going to check out Stonewall Youth, our regional GLBTQQIAA youth group.  They meet downtown and have drop in hours and social events.  It was another bold move and I’m really excited for her.  Still another boy, a couple of weeks ago, announced that he was joining the GSA as an ally.  He confessed he’d been thinking about it for a while but had felt too nervous, shy and intimidated to check it out.  Another proud moment for him and us.

I can’t say we were the cause of all this boldness and bravery, but I know we had an important part to play.  We offer a non-judgmental supportive environment for them to explore their identity, to discover a new culture and a previously unknown history and contemporary political and cultural landscape.  We give them a safe space to wish for better, to plan for better and to celebrate when their plans succeed.  We give them support and encouragement when they fall short of their goals, or hit walls of bigotry and ignorance.   Some weeks we just shoot the shit and hang out, some weeks there’s tons going on in all aspects of their lives and the time goes so quickly.  That’s a major frustration for all of us who facilitate these groups, that we wish we had more time each week.

In the coming weeks and months, we’ll be talking about gender identity (and the myriad differences between gender and sex and sexual preference and presentation, etc.), and we’ll have 3 sessions on causes of and ways to prevent sexual violence, we’ll talk about privilege and oppression and have guest speakers.  And before we know it, it will be June and seniors will be graduating and we’ll be sad to see them go, but proud and happy for the time we spent with them.

It’s MLK Day, the day we celebrate the birth and the contributions of Martin Luther King, Jr.  His life and example are inspiring, and a lot of people see this holiday (and day off work for some) as a time to consider how each of us can serve our society and our fellow citizens, and our world.  I encourage each of you to find something that inspires your passion and allows you to effect positive change.  I prefer the local and direct approach, contributing my time and effort to organizations who’s missions I want to support and see succeed.  Some of you are already doing that, and I thank you as a fellow earthling.  I think each of us can do something, something more direct than sending money to a far off address.  I challenge you to find something this year, to take something on and make it your cause.

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Posted in anti-oppression work, butch/trans/genderqueer, community, gender non-conforming, giving back, GLBTQQIAA Youth, slices of life | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Reviewing Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica

Posted on January 3, 2012 by Kyle

When Cleis Press contacted me about reviewing this book, Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica, I responded immediately. I’d been waiting for this to come out and had been kicking myself over not knowing about it in time to submit something.  Reading it was a pleasure and reviewing it is a privilege.

What am I looking for, as a reviewer?  Not surprisingly, when I read erotica, I want to be turned on.  I’m pretty sure that’s what most of us are looking for as well.  Beyond the “home run hit”, however, I’m also looking for creativity, humor, sexy context, a good story and something interesting, a twist or some turn of phrase that catches in the crook of my eye.  With this anthology especially, I was also trolling for ideas.  I’ve been writing stories with characters (including myself) who are outside the binary for a couple of years now, but I still have a lot to learn.  So I opened this book full of curiosity about how genderqueer and trans characters were being portrayed and how other writers set the scene for gender discovery.

What I found was a lot of variety.  Sometimes gender and sex were revealed very bluntly, in plain language and other times writers came to it from unexpected angles.  I appreciated the creativity and variation on the theme.  Beyond the research angle, just a couple of stories in, I felt at home.  Not that all the characters are masculine identified or genderqueer, but I could relate to all of them in some way, regardless of our differences, they are all members of my tribe.  In a way, reading this book and getting to know these artfully created characters, showed me, even more than I felt it before, that I have a tribe.  There is a place where ‘one of these things doesn’t belong here’ doesn’t apply, and that’s among other gender benders, stretchers and breakers like me.

I was also struck by my sense of voyeurism while reading through the anthology, more so than when I read cis-gender centered erotica.  The sex scenes were more intimate, somehow, maybe due to the relative lack of stories exposing gender binary non-conforming people currently available in print (though I predict that’s going to be changing in the coming years).  The characters, the sex, the situations and conflicts were very relatable to me.  Not only are these my people, sometimes these characters are me, or I’m them.  Something like that.  You get the point, I hope.  There are no poorly rendered stories in this book, but I do have some favorites to share with you.

The Hitchhiker, Sinclair Sexsmith:  I read this first on Sugarbutch Chronicles, and again (I think) in one of Sinclair’s chapbooks.  Reading it again in this anthology was a pleasure.  What I didn’t realize until recently, because of something Sexsmith said, was that the story is written without using pronouns to refer to the character of Jack.  That’s not only a helluva challenge, but it’s done so smoothly, I didn’t realize even it after several readings.  One of my favorite erotic stories.

The Boy the Beast Wants, Skian McGuire:  oh man… you ever read something that reached in and grabbed you?  This story did that to me, reached into  my abdomen and grabbed something essential in me and didn’t let go even after I’d finished the story.  The story arc reminds me of a the serpent swallowing its own tail.  I know this boy and I know that beast.  I’ll be coming back for this one again.

Dixie Belle, Kate Bornstein:  Wow.  An entirely unique and wildly imaginative telling of the life of Huck Finn after the stories of Mark Twain leave off.  Highly enjoyable and worth repeat reads.

Self-Reflection, Tobi Hill-Meyer:  I’ve read this one before, in another anthology, but that didn’t diminish my happiness in seeing it here.  Wonderfully written characters and a creatively speculative romp with the future.  I really love this story and it reminds me of some fantasizes I’ve had of my selves meeting up with each other in an alternative reality where we aren’t sharing the same body.

Big Gifts in Small Boxes, Patrick Califia:  I’m a long time fan of this writer, but I realize that it’s mainly due to one very dog-eared and well loved anthology of his writing.  Maybe that’s why I was surprised by this story.  I was expecting something darker, something a bit more menacing.  What I found instead was sweetness.  And, you know, I didn’t mind at all.  The story of a trans guy being accepted by a very cis-male identified gay bear is near and dear to my own fantasies of acceptance.

Somebody’s Watching Me, Alicia E. Goranson:  two of the most interesting characters in the anthology, well rendered and highly visual, excellent descriptions of sex, something to go back to in order to ‘take notes’.

There are common threads woven through all the stories:  the fear of rejection and the frustration of being mislabeled and misunderstood; the way being recognized is at once a source of shock and exhilaration; how hard it is to trust and be open, when you are always guarding your self against assault of one kind or another.

Here are some more notes taken as I read through:

Cocksure, Gina De Vries:  so familiar, like something I’d write about Roxy and I.

Now Voyager, Rahne Alexander:  sweet courting, shy reluctance, happy surprises.

Shoes are Meant to Get You Somewhere, Dean Scarborough:  genderfucking couple, like reading stories from my own imagination, gender and sex wonderfully expressed but not dependent on each other

On Hys Knees, Evan Swafford:  strong masculine submission

Tel Aviv, Jacques Le Fargue:  urgency and hunger, reminds me of the plans Roxy and I make for our visits and how we temporarily toss out those plans in the heat of our hunger for each other.

Sea of Cortez, Sandra McDonald:  destruction, mayhem, death, discovery, sex and despair, transgendered in wartime.

The Perfect Gentleman, Andrea Zanin:  great story of a first time, told honestly

Payback’s a Bitch, S. Bear Bergman:  excellent twist to a common porn plot; very, very hot and close to some of my own fantasies.  One to dog ear for future … examination.

Femme Fatigue, Anna Watson:  Femme invisibility within a relationship with a trans man.  Road weariness turns into hot sex with an admiring stranger, and the femme becomes visible again.

Punching Bag, Rachel Kramer Brussel:  The fact that the main character’s name is ‘Kyle’ is just icing on a very compelling cake.  Trans man discovers his manhood through masochism and submission and his attraction to other men.  Will revisit this one, it’s another that hit home with me personally.

You Don’t Know Jack, Michael Hernandez:  great story, one of the hottest, great character, very well written.

From Fucktoy to Footstool, Zev:  made me miss my Sir something fierce.

The Man with the Phoenix Tattoo, Laura Antoniou:  not your typical love story, fierce and painful.

A hearty thank you to all the writers and to Tristan Taormino for contributing to this collection and to Cleis Press for publishing it.  I  am now nurturing quite the fantasy of meeting all of you for drinks and nibbles and great conversation about writing and gender and sex.

My rating for this excellent collection of erotic stories and sexy gender renderings?  The full five boots and my enthusiastic recommendation that you buy this for yourself and maybe some close friends.

fullbootfullbootfullbootfullbootfullboot

 

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Posted in butch/trans/genderqueer, erotica, exploring gender, gender, gender non-conforming, reviews, turn ons | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Gettin’ Busy with the New Year

Posted on January 2, 2012 by Kyle

Alrighty then.  After all this pondering energy and blockages and what I can do about it, it’s time to get pragmatic.  What am I gonna do, and how do I propose to do it?

Before removing blockages, I must identify them as specifically as possible.  I’ve long dreamed and visualized the perfect environment for me to write and create in.  Given that I still don’t have a writer’s cabin in my back yard, or even a consistently quiet place in the house, what else can I do to improve my environment and increase my creative productivity?  If I can’t create the perfect environment, I can at least improve my tools.  I’m going to put a larger (5x) hard drive on this laptop and upgrade to Windows 7.  That may not sound like a big deal, but those changes will improve its performance and usability and that will make me a happier camper.  [I just ordered the new hard drive, so I should be able to complete this goal in the coming two weeks]

Other blockages concern tasks that I’ve had on my list for way too long.  One of those is organizing my digital photos.  I’ve got them in too many locations and they’re not organized as well as they could be.  I get so frustrated trying to find pictures sometimes, hours can go down the rabbit hole in the process.  Related to that, I need to organize and catalog my writing.  I’ve got stories published and unpublished, some stand alone and some are part of a series with the same characters.  I’ve got some in Google docs, some on my hard drive, some as draft posts on this blog.  Some of them are in multiple places.  I need to list, categorize and version control all of it so I know what is in progress, what could be submitted for publication, etc.

In an earlier post I was talking about the way grudges and disagreements can bind up my energy.  I need to work on a method to counteract that.  My notes say ‘breathe, disengage, don’t form grudges with people who don’t get it’.  That means I need to catch myself in the act more quickly until eventually I don’t react most of the time.

All of this is to make myself more capable of enjoying life and being successful with the plans I’m making for the coming year.  Making specific, measurable goals is definitely the right way to go, so here are a few of those for the coming year:

Get published (again):  I was published twice in 2011, my goal this year is at least 4 times.  I’m hoping two of those will be in Salacious magazine, so I need to scour the calls for submission to see what else I can get into.  Oh, and there’s also SEAF to try for again this year (calls for artistic submission Feb 1 – Mar 10, 2012, festival dates across two weekends in June, June 16/17 and June 22/23/24).

Blog regularly: get back on the horse, so to speak and blog at least a couple of times a week with some gender, family life and/or erotic story for my readers.

Work on longer-term writing projects:  I’ve got some stories that I think could be turned into novels and I’d like to get back into the habit of working on them.

Attend Gender Odyssey (Aug 2-5, 2012):  I’ve heard so many good things about this conference from friends, I definitely want to be there this year.

Go to Folsom with Roxy (Sept 23rd, 2012):  I hated missing it last year, after the awesome time we had in 2010.  Definitely want to make it happen for us this year.

Continue to explore D/s with Roxy, going deeper and further than we have before, exploring edges and crossing them

Continue exploring my gender, and my male-to-male sexuality:  I’ve been in communication with a Dom in Seattle, a trans guy who feels very compatible and who I think I’d have some fun with.  Roxy knows about him and approves and is encouraging, but even so, I feel shy about it, and somewhat guilty about planning to play outside our relationship.  On the other hand, I really need to get out more.  I know no one will ever replace my Sir any more than my Sir will ever find another boy like me.

Pull my ever-growing group of genderqueer friends together and form a genderqueer discussion/social group for the Olympia area.

Continue to find ways to be the change I want to see in this world.  That means directly helping queer and queer-allied youth.  That means making the most of opportunities to educate people on gender non-conformity, transgender issues and being as out and open about my gender identity as I can be.  It means if I see something that needs to be done, I’ll do it if I can and if not, I’ll find someone who will.  It means I will do my best to communicate, build bridges, find commonality and create allyship with other people and organizations.

Get off my ass and start a local writer’s group (I have an ally in my friend Chole, we’ve been talking about this for a while).

And, of course, there are always other projects and tasks that I want to accomplish, but these are close to my heart as a writer and genderqueer activist, and a kinkster and a sexual, masochistic adventurer.  Thanks for letting me meander through all this with you all, somehow it helps to believe I have a group of people I’m communicating all this with.

Happy New Year, Kyle

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Posted in anti-oppression work, bdsm, finding me, gender, gender non-conforming, public play | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

For Roxy: at midnight, think of me

Posted on December 31, 2011 by Kyle

Hello there, angel.  Another year is kicking the bucket and a new one is about to draw its first breaths.  You know I’d be with you, kissing you as the clock strikes midnight if I could.

And, at midnight, I’ll be thinking about you…. here’s a visual to help you imagine me there, getting ready for a sexy New Year’s kiss with you, my love

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A little holiday brag

Posted on December 31, 2011 by Kyle

I did very well these holidays, gifts-wise.  In fact, it was quite the butchtastic Christmas for me (and man-rific, fab-boy-lous).

My wife gave me two ties:  one silver on silver (will look great with  my new black button down) and a dark navy blue tie with a small detailed pattern.  My brother in law (brother’s partner) gave me a skinny black tie and a tie clip.  That’s right, three new ties for the new year! And my first tie clip.

Roxy gave a slick new knife, a Kershaw.  Best, coolest, sharpest, most baddass knife I’ve ever had and I am loving it. Having it on my hip feels good, and I’m already thinking of naughty, dirty things with it…

 

This knife is so cool and I’m so in love with it, I’ve given it a name, Snick.  Bilbo and Frodo had Sting, I’ve got Snick.  Snick and I are going to have many, many good times in the coming years.  Like me, Snick is genderqueer.  And, though it seems a bit counter-intuitive, it feels more male when it’s closed up, clipped to my hip.  When it’s open, even though that’s an erect configuration, it feels more female to me…. curvy and sharp, that’s how I like my females.

Roxy also sent me a copy of the Fifth Element, one of my favorites and with a hero I relate to very well in Korben Dallas.   I also received a bracelet from my step-mom-in-law.  My wife assures me its very masculine, and it’s not bad, just not sure where I’ll wear it… and I don’t think it’s ‘very masculine’ at best it’s not screamingly feminine.  Oh, and I got a new pair of leather work gloves.. I go through a pair a year, last year’s pair is worn out and holey, so the replacement pair was very welcome.  Fits well and looks good, too.

My wife ordered me the ‘#include <beer.h>’ pint glass I’ve been admiring at thinkgeek.com, and also ordered one I hadn’t seen, ‘[Be] [Er]‘ (think elements, Beryllium and Erbium).  Did y’all know I have a pint glass collection?

Happy Holidays, ya’ll.  I hope you also received recognition for who you are and I hope we all have a very good New Year in 2012.

 

 

 

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Looking forward with Salacious magazine in 2012

Posted on December 30, 2011 by Kyle

Did you know that Salacious magazine will be publishing its Leather issue in the coming months? I didn’t submit anything for that round, but I’ll be ordering a copy because it’s bound to be good.

I did submit a story for their Sci Fi issue, which was originally going to be published as issue #3.  That theme is being re-launched for this fall, with a deadline of September 15, 2012.  I feel good about the story I submitted last year and am hopeful it will be included.  In the meantime, Salacious has announced its next issue with the theme Work, with a submission deadline of March 10, 2012.  I already have a piece in mind, one I’ve never published, something that I hope will catch the editorial board’s eye and entertain the readers.

If you are a writer of enlightened smut, check out Salacious.  Maybe this is your year to be published.

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Breathe deep, remove blockage and get in the flow

Posted on December 29, 2011 by Kyle

A graphic entitled ‘6 habits of happiness worth cultivating‘ has been circulating through my Facebook peers recently.  Six brightly colored circles with good advice for reducing stress, getting more out of life and generally being happier.  Yesterday, I discovered a list of 12 Things Happy People Do.

As I was reading through them, a pattern emerged:  a lot of them were about energy flow – emotional, mental and physical.  For example, the benefits to following the ‘Drop Grudges’ advice on the 6 Habits list, are that we’ll “feel better about ourselves, experience more positive emotions, and feel closer to others.”  All well and good, I don’t disagree, but I would add that when you hold grudges, you are allowing a situation, and the people involved, to suck energy from you.  A grudge is like a heat sink for energy, an energy sink.  These experiences tend to embed themselves into your psyche, into your emotional core, in an unhealthy way.  Grudges and other conflicts are energy parasites.  The energy that’s tied up in the negative activity of begrudging someone is energy you don’t have for other pursuits and people.  And, given that one of my basic limitations lately has been around energy availability, this piece of advice deserves my attention.

I believe in karma to a certain degree.  I understand that there are deeper religions underpinnings to karma, and I don’t pretend to understand or be adept to that degree.  However, I have definitely experienced a positive flow of energy based on my positive actions, as opposed to a corresponding negative energy flow as a response to negative action.  From the 6 Habits, “Give Thanks” and “Practice Kindness” are, to me, about creating and transferring positive energy.  These concepts are also on the 12 Things list along with “Learn to Forgive”.   How do I know that the expenditure of positive energy promotes a returning loop of positive energy?  I know it through my own experience, and by sharing those experiences with others, I know I’m not alone.  When I stop and hold a door for someone struggling with an armful of groceries, the smile and thanks I receive makes me happy, and I feel that pleasure on an emotional level as well as physically with a release of serotonin.

Physical activity is another route to happiness, as are cultivating healthy relationships and spirituality, developing healthy habits and being mindful and joyful and not being too caught up in social comparisons and external measures of success.  The 12 Things list has ‘Increase Flow Experiences”, which means, getting into situations where you are ‘in the flow’.  For me writing can be a flow experience, as can playing soccer, running, having sex, doing physical work, etc.  These moments in the flow are definitely peek moments and I can get higher on those as I ever could on drugs.  And without the nasty hangover.

I’m surprised that neither of these lists mentions sleep and relaxation, frankly, because sleep and downtime is definitely something I’m conscious that I don’t get nearly enough of.

Going back to energy flow and being mindful about where my energy sources and energy sinks, I know that on a regular basis, significant portions of my energy get knotted up in conflicts.  A contentious thread on Facebook about gender or identity or something else I’m passionate about, might knot up my energy for a couple of days.  An incidental comment that exposes someone’s ignorance about my gender identity – or non-binary gender identities in general – gets me torqued for a few hours at least.  That’s not really where I want my energy to be pooling.  I want my energy to be working for me, to be furthering my goals and making my life better.

It’s pretty clear to me that in the coming year I need to work on cultivating more skills in  generating, directing and conserving energy.  Any goals I set require energy, so I need to be more intentional about how that energy is flowing.

Onward and upward, friends, let’s get our flow on.

 

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Looking ahead to a new year of potential

Posted on December 28, 2011 by Kyle

This time of year, we’re given the darkest nights and the shortest days, leading toward less physical but perhaps more mental activity. The weather also conspires to drive us inside, both physically and emotionally.  This is a traditional time to look inward, contemplating the year past and considering the one we have before us.

It seems cliche, but new year tends to be the starting line for my personal change projects.  Reading through my journal, you can find lists of resolutions, and, especially when I was younger, these lists were really long and full of optimism and naivety.   Most years, I failed to scratch a line through even 20% of what I laid down on paper.   This would tend to lead not to a celebration of those accomplishments, but a depression based on the other 80%, the failures.  At some point, for several years, I stopped doing resolutions because it seemed like such a futile exercise.  And really it was, at least the way I was doing it.

I couldn’t stay away forever, though.  Seems like I am wired to do the solstice to new years soul searching and goal defining exercises. When I came back to it, I was more disciplined, keeping my list small and with specific, well defined goals.  I had learned the lesson that vague goals tend to lead to vague plans, which don’t lead to much of anything.

And so, here I am again, rounding the corner from one year to the next, giving into that same old urge to pick through the events of one year and consider my plans for the next.  This is also the time of year gardeners plan for spring planting and fall harvest.  What seeds do I want to plant so that I have something to harvest in 2012?  And it’s not just about browsing seed catalogs and getting seduced by the eye candy of luscious blossoms and ripe fruit.  There is work to be done before we walk outside with seeds in hand.  Gardens must be prepared, sometimes repaired, before we put our plans in motion.

So what kind of creative garden space do I need in order to harvest something meaningful out of the year?  What does that garden plot look like?  How deep is deep enough?  What are my requirements for sunlight, air and irrigation?

My ideal space for cultivating creativity includes natural light and quiet.  This year I feel very strongly that I need to figure out how to make and hold space for myself, enough space that I can settle into a process, focus and produce work that I am proud to call my own.  Besides light and quiet, my basic requirements for accomplishing goals are time, energy and focus (TEF).  Certainly some goals have specific material requirements, but in my life those tend to be easier to come by than TEF.  Adequate sleep, exercise and good nutrition will help with the energy requirement.  Quiet will help me with my focus, though once I’m on track with a project, I can focus through a lot of chaos and noise, so it’s a matter of pushing past that initial unfocused stage in the beginning.

Time.  That’s the big one, the hard one, but I’m tired of being intimidated by it.  Time is a bit of a bully, it swaggers around talking about how important it is, how nothing will happen without it.  I really need to make Time my bitch this year.

I can’t create more time, I can only use it differently, and that brings me back to focus. As I said, I’m great at focusing once I get far enough into a project.  Until I reach that point, I’m like the dog on Up!  Every squirrel, or squirrel like thing, that floats past my vision pulls my attention away from the task at hand.  Twitter feeds, Facebook updates, glances at chat windows, all can provide something to distract me from the task at hand.  So one skill to work on is becoming focused more quickly.

All of these elements contribute to creating a space for growth.   I’m hoping for creative and skills based growth, as well as emotional and spiritual growth.  I’m actively seeking inspiration for interior growth, looking to deeper and older wisdom, knowledge that isn’t just thought based, but that which can be felt in my heart and gut and bones.  I’m seeking to understand and love myself better, hoping that will help me understand and love others better, which should help me enjoy this life more.

There is a lot of competition for my attention in this world — people, places, experiences, things.  I have a lot of internal conflict over priorities, sometimes that conflict shuts me down completely.  I’m hoping to find a path that leads me to greater clarity and enjoyment in life.

I’m a driven, ambitious person.  I expect a lot from myself.  I’m very hard on myself when I fail to meet my expectations.  I don’t always celebrate my accomplishments as I should.  I’d like to find a balance between striving and enjoying. This has been my battle for a long time.  I strive for balance, while struggling with competing interests and demands on my time and energy.

For the moment, I’m going to hold back on putting specific targets down on paper.  For the time being, I want to think about how to set myself up for success, no matter what those resolutions might be.

As always, feedback from you is welcome and encouraged.  Are you a resolution setter?  How have you fared in years past with accomplishing those goals?  Got any secrets/warnings to share?

 

 

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