Humiliation Kink Finally Caught Up With Me

Humiliation play never appealed to me. Even watching it was difficult, though I have been witness to more than one such scene involving people I cared about.  I remember cringing inwardly, trying not to let my discomfort show. I wanted to be cool with my friend’s kink, not judgmental.

I’m not sure judgmental is the right word.  I really wondered why it was something they wanted, why it worked for them. Because I absolutely didn’t want some sadistic top screaming about how worthless I was, or what a sorry excuse of a human being I was or that I wasn’t worthy to lick their boots.

During the time I’m thinking about, my insecurities were too close to the surface, especially after I broke up with my Sir. I wanted tops that would appreciate me. Maybe they’d goad, push, be critical of my efforts or question my ability to in order to challenge me but I didn’t want their disdain or disgust. Even if it was feigned.

I’ve been to classes on humiliation as kink and found the topic fascinating but not attractive. At least, I didn’t until a handful of months ago. But to get to that point, we have to backtrack a bit farther.

During the time I was discovering a change in my gender identity and shifting from primarily female to primarily male, and before I started taking testosterone, I began to explore the world of online male-on-male hookup sites and apps. Adam4Adam was one such where I opened an account and created a profile and began cruising. I was curious about how men interacted with each other when the motivation was strictly hooking up.  I was also monumentally horny about having sex with gay men and at the same time shy and insecure about not being seen as male because of the obvious lack of the standard male sexual equipment.

I cruised and chatted with some of the guys but nothing came of those encounters.  I was very clear in my profile that I was a no-op, no-ho (1) trans guy, a guy with a vagina.  It’s not surprising that I didn’t get a lot of hits from guys eager to sex me up, considering the venue.  Though one guy who was an exception and I likely could have made something happen if I’d gone for it. He bragged to me that he’d fucked dykes before, butch dykes, and taught them to love cock and give blow jobs.  He promised me I’d enjoy it, too, and that he’d have me swallowing come and loving it.

{Writing that got my cock so hard}

I never did more than exchange some emails with the guy.  I got a dick pic and sent him a shot of my cunt and then I chickened out.  I stopped cruising the app and eventually uninstalled it.

Back to the present, minus a few months, and I’m wanking to my usual mix of gay male porn on PornHub when a video featuring a chubby, hairy guy stroking his dick brought back the memory of that guy who was convinced he could make any butch dyke love cock.  With a few embellishments, that memory became a humiliation scene that I have returned to over and over again with extreme success. I get off being told what a bad lesbian I am, how I can’t be a real dyke because I love cock too much. And so on.  

I’ve recently been reminded of another influence that contributed to that scene – Patrick Califia.  One of my favorite smut stories is one he wrote called Surprise Party in which a butch dyke is picked up by three cops and taken to an apartment to be used in various ways.  The top cop, in the backseat with her, forces her to suck his cock, all the while verbally abusing her about her obvious desire for cock, despite her public persona as a lesbian. Though I’ve spoiled a lot of the ‘surprise’ for those who haven’t read it yet, I left a few things for you to discover if you choose to seek it out.  I highly recommend it.

That I’ve found a humiliation kink that turns me on is not the only discovery I’ve made.  The other surprise is that the way I identify in this scene, every time, is very female. I’m not a trans guy, not even a pre-T trans guy, but a female-identified, butch lesbian.  That’s important to the humiliation and definitely ties it to the Califia story. The reason this is a big deal to me is that almost exclusively, even before I started taking testosterone, my masturbation fantasies feature me as male – cis or trans, or some transmorphing combination of the two.  I find it a bit amusing and curious that now, when I always pass for a man in public; now that my body is bear-furry and my head hair is thinning in an unmistakingly male baldness pattern, I’ve rediscovered my female self as an erotic embodiment.

I’ve utilized this fantasy about 90% of my wanking time over the last few months. After I shared this discovery with my Sweetie, we incorporated it a couple of times into our sexcapades.  They did a very good job as the guy who is convinced he can turn my butch lesbian into a cockslut. Hot. So Hot.

Now that I’ve talked all about these wank sessions I have and the scene that plays out in my head, do you want to get even closer, inside my head, inside that scene?  I hope so, because that will be my next post. See you then.

1 No-ho, no-op = no hormones, no operations

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