Fucking Anxiety

I’m a tense ball of unexpected over-reactions.  Triggered by innocuous statements and requests, my body goes from normal to super-heated and covered in sweat. I don’t smell right when that happens.  I don’t feel right.

I’m tired of the fight-or-flight cycle that never seems to let up for very long.  When I wake up, there are usually a few moments of peaceful calm before the worry-storm overtakes me again.  Am I doing enough?  Will it be over soon?  Will it work this time? Can I hold steady? Why is it so hard to breathe?

Every day is a fucking roller-coaster.  Good news … even somewhat positive news, sends me up.  Woooh!  I’m on top again!  And it doesn’t even take bad news to bring me rushing down. Lack of information will do it.  When will I hear?  Requests for my time, attention and commitment can send me into a tail-spin of doubt and anxiety. Just writing that out caused me to go into a full-body sweat again.  This is more exposure than I’ve ever given my anxieties and that is making me more anxious and yet… and yet, hiding this hasn’t made it go away.  I’m willing to try something new.

Even with that resolve in place, the internal fight rages on.

I don’t want to be like this!  This is not me! This is not the me I want to be! This is not how I want people to see me!

And yet, here I am.

This content is published under the Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported license.

This entry was posted in slices of life and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Fucking Anxiety

  1. Red says:

    Love your monkeys. Listen to them. I know I do.

    arggggg… I know I need to love them and yet it’s so hard! K

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *