I Miss My Tears

Have you ever had sex so good it made you cry?

I’ve been there and done that more than once.  I’ve been so moved by the connection and passion I’m experiencing with my lover that I’ve sobbed and cried with joy and release.

I don’t know that I can do that any more.  The other day, I felt that feeling of overwhelming joy welling up inside me.  I clung to Red and felt as though the tears would spill any second.  Any second.  Any second now.

It was the weirdest thing, I felt all the same feelings that should precede tears but the tears didn’t come.  I think my eyes may have gotten extra moist but they didn’t spill over.

Before starting to take testosterone, I had heard that losing the ability to cry was a potential side-effect.  I didn’t think much of it, I figured it was all individual, like so many things around hormones.  It wasn’t like I cried all that often anyway. Maybe it would be a big deal for me.

Well, now I know.  Now that I’m taking T, I have a diminished ability to cry. I feel all the emotions that would have caused tears – sadness, grief, expansive joy… but the tears don’t come as easily.  Weirdly, I still tear up over scenes in movies or TV shows, even commercials.  So far it looks like I can cry if it’s about something I can relate to that isn’t personal, but have a harder time crying when the emotion is coming from a personal place.

I really didn’t want to lose my ability to cry and release emotions that way. It has me thinking about the other fear/expectation I heard about around testosterone – more anger and violence. I think about the way men are conditioned to not cry or show vulnerability – maybe they really don’t have the same capacity as people not on testosterone.  At any rate, the need to express and release emotions is still there and if I can’t cry, I have to do it somehow.  Crying has always felt like a safe way to vent overwhelming emotions – well, safe if I was alone or with those rare people I feel comfortable crying with.  What’s the safe way to spill off those emotions if I can’t cry?  I’ll have to figure that out.

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