Have you ever had sex so good it made you cry?
I’ve been there and done that more than once. Â I’ve been so moved by the connection and passion I’m experiencing with my lover that I’ve sobbed and cried with joy and release.
I don’t know that I can do that any more. Â The other day, I felt that feeling of overwhelming joy welling up inside me. Â I clung to Red and felt as though the tears would spill any second. Â Any second. Â Any second now.
It was the weirdest thing, I felt all the same feelings that should precede tears but the tears didn’t come. Â I think my eyes may have gotten extra moist but they didn’t spill over.
Before starting to take testosterone, I had heard that losing the ability to cry was a potential side-effect. Â I didn’t think much of it, I figured it was all individual, like so many things around hormones. Â It wasn’t like I cried all that often anyway. Maybe it would be a big deal for me.
Well, now I know. Â Now that I’m taking T, I have a diminished ability to cry. I feel all the emotions that would have caused tears – sadness, grief, expansive joy… but the tears don’t come as easily. Â Weirdly, I still tear up over scenes in movies or TV shows, even commercials. Â So far it looks like I can cry if it’s about something I can relate to that isn’t personal, but have a harder time crying when the emotion is coming from a personal place.
I really didn’t want to lose my ability to cry and release emotions that way. It has me thinking about the other fear/expectation I heard about around testosterone – more anger and violence. I think about the way men are conditioned to not cry or show vulnerability – maybe they really don’t have the same capacity as people not on testosterone. Â At any rate, the need to express and release emotions is still there and if I can’t cry, I have to do it somehow. Â Crying has always felt like a safe way to vent overwhelming emotions – well, safe if I was alone or with those rare people I feel comfortable crying with. Â What’s the safe way to spill off those emotions if I can’t cry? Â I’ll have to figure that out.
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