Seasonal Affective Disarray

I’ve come to realize how important Winter Solstice is to me.  Not that I have rituals around it or any tradition I follow concerning that day.  For me it is the end of the long darkness and the beginning of the re-emergence of the day star.

I’ve never thought I had Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I’ve always associated that with depression and sadness.  More than disorder, I feel disarray:  the loud clanging of my emotions and thoughts inside the tin pan of my skull and the difficulty I have keeping my cool. My skin feels prickly and irritated.

I’ve been feeling this mental and emotional disarray for weeks now and just today, this evening, some of the pieces that have been jumbling around in my head began to fit together to form a partial picture.  This season – a season for introspection, for hibernation, for preparation and for strengthening ties with family and friends – is also a season of darkness and foul weather and stir crazy pets and people.

I’ve fought the urge many times over the past few days to get into my truck and drive until I run out of gas.  To drive to somewhere quiet, somewhere quiet enough for my mental mud to settle and allow me to think, to breathe deeply, to be.  I feel crowded by darkness and a full schedule of activities and expectations.

I long for light, for fresh air, for time spent outside with out the voices in my head nagging me about the length of my to do list.  And more than anything, I long for quiet – hard to get in a home that seems to always be full of sounds.  I don’t like being this way, I don’t like feeling so irritable and ready to bark at my loves.

I’m glad I could finally put into words the feelings that have been pressing the inside of my skull.  It feels a little better already, just seeing the words on this page.  Light is coming,

We’ve slipped past the longest night and the day star will make its presence known more and more as the days go by.  Just thinking about it I can feel the sensation of rebirth in my belly, in my chest.   Winter feels like a crowded, messy cell, spring is my time.

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