Humbled

Fear can do shitty things to your head.  Even though I know what a trickster fear is, I still keep letting it get the best of me.  Will I ever master it?  I don’t know.  I do know that it humbles me, that I am humbled by how far from my values I can fall when I am afraid.

I don’t just hurt myself with this, I hurt those I love.

Fear is so damned convincing but it really doesn’t need to work so hard, it just has to knife you in the gut and off you go, reacting before you have a chance to think about what you’re doing.  Under the influence of fear, I see threats all around and I lash out at the very people who love me most.  But I can’t sit here and pass off the blame; fear may be the driver, but I keep getting into the car.

I have a lot of lofty goals when it comes to relationships, all of them lovers, friends, family.  I hold myself to a high standard and so it is that I am so very humbled by my inability to live up to those standards when my fear response is triggered.

I have done a lot of work on myself, how I behave in relationships and how I manage my emotional responses.  I still have plenty more to work on.

I truly believe that I can overcome my patterns and that includes my patterns and reactions around fear.  I have a lot to sit with and work through.  Wish me luck.

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