As of today, Butchtastic is 6 years old. On past blogaversaries, I’ve thrown together a post with some stats and thanked my readers and the other folks who’ve helped me along the way.
And though I want to do something a little different this time, I do still want to thank you for making this blog a part of your internet neighborhood. Readers have come and gone, comments are not as common as they used to be but there are still people who take the time to let me know that they still value what I’m doing here. Thank you very much, I value you, too.
I has been six years since I started blogging here and about six and a half since I had the ah-ha moment that lead to this blog. But more than that, it has been six+ years since I started on a path that has led to where I am now. And I know that my whole life is a path that has led to where I am now, but this last almost 7 years signifies growth similar to puberty. And includes a lot of similar aspects to puberty.
When I started this blog, I was in the midst of a rebirth. Within one year, I’d become poly, started writing erotica for the first time, reconnected with my butch identity and reunited with my first girlfriend – 25 years after we first became lovers.
I had decided that I wouldn’t wait any longer to ‘become a writer’, which really meant ‘to start writing’ because I have always been a writer. I’d written a smutty story for my girlfriend and I enjoyed it not just because she liked it but because it fun to write. I got the idea from Sugarbutch Chronicles. Sinclair wrote in a way that fit my internal dialogue about sex and sensuality and I thought that if there was one butch erotic writer with a growing audience of fans, maybe there was room for another.
My butchness came back to me with my girlfriend, and that’s no coincidence. I had identified as butch in high school, when we’d first been involved. It felt very natural to be the butch to her femme, natural and really satisfying. This rediscovery of myself as a butch person was also the starting point for my exploration of gender, identity and a lot of the themes and topics explored on this blog.
I didn’t just rediscover my butchness, in some ways I returned to the age I was when she and I first got together. It was as though I was a seventeen year old again, but this time with adult power and agency. It was as though we’d both stepped back in time and restarted the love affair that was interrupted by her parents. My libido kicked into high gear and I became very self-centered and focused on the high of our sexual relationship and the rediscovery of my masculine self. It was a heady time with both positives and negatives. My ego flowered to an obnoxious degree and I neglected my wife and family for a while.
The desire to have another chance at a relationship with my first girlfriend was the impetus to my wife and I opening up our relationship. So along with the headiness of returning to masculinity and having a hot and heavy affair with my girlfriend, I was negotiating and navigating poly with my wife. Oh, and we welcomed our second child into the world during the first couple of years of the blog.
Within a few months of starting my blog, I fell in love with Roxy and we had our high-profile and amazing relationship on the pages of our blogs as well as twitter for four years. And all along, with new relationships and new human beings and new identities and exploring D/s for the first time, I kept writing. I started with erotica and continued with posts about identity, explorations on gender, relationships, kink and D/s. I’ve submitted short stories and a couple of been published. I’ve fallen in love, broken up, fallen in love again. I’ve made so many friends from all over the place through this blog and I can’t imagine life without them in it.
Now, a few of you have been around since the beginning. You’ve seen my highs and lows, I’m sure you have your own opinions on all that has transpired (and I know some people’s opinions aren’t very positive). From where I stand now, if I were to draw a graph of some kind to map the ups and downs of the last 6 years, the early part of that graph would be a lot of really high highs and some very low lows. Not a lot of flat lines, that’s for sure. I think the line of my graph now has a median higher than it was in the beginning, certainly higher than it was before I started the blog (and all of the other life changes that started back then). My highs are still very high, but I have less low lows. I feel like I’ve reached a new mid-level in terms of my day to day life, my new normal is higher than it used to be. In otherwords, my life contains more happiness, less depression and sadness, more excitement and less fear, more love and less insecurity.
I sometimes get in the mood to look back and reread early blog posts and I feel fortunate to have such an accessible record of this period of my life. My feelings about reading earlier posts is mixed, still. Some of what I read makes me happy, thrills me, impresses me… sometimes the sadness of loss is overwhelming. Sometimes I’m embarrassed, but I won’t go back and edit out those less than proud moments. This is my life as I’ve lived it and I’m pretty happy with where I am now and where I’m going. All of the posts on this blog, plus what I never posted, comprise my incredible journey from insecure, unfulfilled, unrealized and unhappy to self-aware, self-actualizing, excited to live and happier than I have ever been.
You know that question where someone asks you what you would change if you could edit something about your past? There are only a few moments I would truly want to change and those are the times when my actions resulted in hurting someone. Otherwise, I wouldn’t change any of it because I am so happy with where I am now.
Thanks for reading this blog, for coming along for the ride. I just renewed the domain and hosting for another year. Let’s make this year even more amazing than the previous 6. Onward, Year 7 of Butchtastic!
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