Things I’m Not Good At

I’m not good at being shallow.

I can do it, I can operate on the surface, skimming through conversations and interactions but I’m left cold, empty, unsatisfied, drained.  I can’t imagine the people on the other side of that equation feel any better about it.

I’m not good at being a player.

I dabble, I can talk the game, I can write it in a story, in slick dialogue meant to dazzle and drop panties but it’s not me.  I play the long game, I swim in the deep end. I dive in and taste the current and get into the flow.  I’m about patience and endurance and building foundations.

I’m not good at one offs.

I’m sticky, I take root.  I’m hard to get rid of with my taproot snaking around the concrete of your foundation.

I’m not good at being cold and mechanical.

I’m an emotional person, I feel deep and my feelings have a lot of power in my life.  It’s hard for me to have a good time sexually unless I’m feeling something emotionally.  That’s not to say I need to be in love every time, but I need to feel something more than ambivalence.

I’m not good at cheating.

I don’t hold lies well, whether they’re mine or not.  I’m not good at fudging the truth when it matters, much less holding up a bald-face lie.  I will keep secrets, I’m very confidential.  I don’t tell the story that isn’t mine to tell, I’m not into gossip.  But I can’t go deep where lying is the norm.

Some things I am good at:

I am good at being easy.

Easy to like, easy to talk to, easy to hang out with, easy to kiss, easy to love.

I’m damned good at sex.

You’ll just have to trust me on that.  Unless you know.

I’m good at being open.

If I’m getting involved with someone, I’m doing it intentionally and transparently.  What I have is good and deep and tasty and I’m gonna give it wholeheartedly and honestly. I’m not good at half-way, I go all in.  I want to make connections, strong and deep like tree roots.  I want to be the deep pool that’s good for reflecting and a refreshing place to sink into.

Now that I’ve written all this, I’m not sure why.  I guess it hurts my feelings when people accuse me of being a player because I am really a very honorable person who values agency and consent and honest communication.  I’m really not good for one night stands and connection free sex.  Kind of the opposite.  I’m into investing, taking my time, waiting for sex until it feels right on both sides (granted, sometimes that’s not very long).  I want connection, I want attraction, I want to enjoy the non-sex times as much as the hotwetnasty times.  As much as I like discovering new people and new places, I also value consistency.  Once I’ve found someone I really like, I want to keep them.

And maybe that’s the real threat, maybe that’s what the problem is, maybe that’s why people who are insecure in their relationships get nervous and defensive about me.  It’s not that I’m a player who’s gonna love ’em and leave ’em.  It’s that I’m not.  I stick around, I make an impression.

I’m a keeper.

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