Most of transition is not spent accomplishing big things that you can celebrate and note in your journal. Most of transition is spent just doing the common, normal day-to-day tasks of life.
And this is where I find myself now that I’ve started T. My next milestone will be a legal name change, which I will probably file for later this week. After getting my legal name changed in the places it matters, my transition task will be to stay on my schedule of T shots and keep going to therapy. And waiting for something to be noticeable to happen (also know as ‘transition obsession’).
I guess there are some other tasks in these initial weeks related to tracking changes that are on my to do list. I want to take some more pictures for my ‘before’ collection and I want to do some more voice recordings.
But changes come slowly, which is good and right, and a conscious choice. And the slow pace of change means that there are actually multiple moments, even hours were I’m not thinking about transition these days.
So what am I thinking about? My job, which currently combines a little coding work with a lot of writing and managing proposals, considering projects we should bid on and evaluating candidates. I’m also spending a lot of time in my garden, which is bursting with beautiful lettuce and peas, beans, squash and potatoes. I’m getting up every morning at 6 am for a bike ride – anywhere from 6 – 10 miles – using most of an hour to do it. Opening my day with calorie burning means I’m hungry most of the day while trying to manage my intake and eat healthy. When I get restless (which is happening more and more), my previously common impulse to eat is now being replaced by a craving for movement. I try to indulge that craving if I can with a brief walk, or more often, a big of yard work (working from home has so many advantages right now).
More activity burns more calories means more hunger… and the cycle keeps going. I’ve lost only a pound in the two weeks since I started this routine, but that’s not a very good measure of how I feel. I feel really good, energized and strong, fired up for the day after my morning ride. Sure, all this activity also means I’m tired in the evening but often all I need is a cat nap to keep me going until sometime after 10. My next goal is to integrate a regular schedule at the Y for weights into my week. I live a 5 minute bike ride from the Y, so it’s easy to get there. I took on this increased activity level consciously because I knew I’d need positive ways to deal with the restless, sometimes anxious feelings I assumed would result from entering into transition. So far that restless anxiety is more about waiting for changes to appear and not as much about having additional testosterone in my body. As far as I know, that is.
What’s not happening right now: writing and blogging and thinking about what I want to do with writing and blogging. My novel is gathering dust and my characters are so pissed off at me. My muse is probably off tormenting other writers, not sure how I’m going to get her back again. I feel a little apologetic about all of that neglect, but it is what it is. My priorities right now are my transition, my family, the relationship with my wife, work, friends, lovers, community activism.
Ahhh… lovers…. yes, there are some and I should catch you up sometime, shouldn’t I? I mean, I’m assuming you want to know.
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