T is for testosterone, T is for transition, T is for tipping point, T is for tapping my toes with impatience, T is for … time to try.
The appointment with my NP last week went really well and I received a short list of items to collect before getting my scrip for T: a letter from my therapist and a signed waiver form. I emailed my therapist, asking that she have a letter for me at my next appointment, the following Wednesday. I read through the waiver and its scary list of Bad Things That Could Possibly happen while taking testosterone and giggled at the repeated references to ‘manly appearance’ (… I don’t know why but ‘manly’ is a giggle trigger word).
On Wednesday, I walked into my therapy appointment and she handed me my letter. I read it and tried not to get choked up. I didn’t need official confirmation to know that this is something I need to do, but having it was pretty awesome. We spent the session talking about where I was with all of this emotionally, how my parents (mom) reacted when I called to tell them about my upcoming T use and name change and how to talk to the kids about it.
I left that appointment and drove to the clinic to drop off my paperwork. I had a brief conversation with the medical assistant. She assured me that they were familiar with my pharmacy of choice and all I had to do was set up an account with them and my scrip would be faxed.
The pharmacy I chose was the overwhelming favorite of the trans guys I got information from, Strohecker’s in Portland. Besides the personal endorsements I received, another positive sign was that they promote their compounding services for transgender customers right up front. I called and set up my account and got some more information on how they ship testosterone. [at this moment I think my scrip was faxed, but I haven't gotten a confirmation]. I should have my T by early next week and then I’ll go into the clinic for the first injection and get instructions on doing it myself.
I have an appointment set up for my first injection, mid next week. My NP is going to be out of town, so I’ll be getting the first dose from her assistant and I’ll have to wait until she gets back for instructions on doing it myself. So yeah, next week I begin this next adventure. I posted yesterday about feelings I’m having now that I know it’s only going to be a week, less than a week now. I pulled out my phone and recorded myself talking about those feelings, also recorded myself singing Unchained Melody. I’m considering creating an audio blog as a place to host some of those recordings as I go forward. I’ll let y’all know if that comes together.
I talked to my kids about T, though the conversations were very different because of their different ages. With the Elder Spawn, I asked told her straight up that I was going to start T and do a name change. I asked her if she knew what kind of changes would take place and she said “Your voice will change – get lower, you have more hair on your body and face, your boobs will shrink and you’ll grow balls.” I did not stifle my laughter on that one.
“No… *chuckle*, ahem, I will not grow balls. And my boobs won’t shrink much but yes, I’ll be hairier and my voice will be lower and I’ll look more like a man. How do you feel about all that?”
Her big concerns? That I’d want her to stop calling me ‘Mom’ and that she was going to miss my voice as it is and my laugh, which apparently she loves. I told her, again, that she could call me ‘Mom’ and ‘Mommy’ as long as she likes (at this point she inserted a creepy ‘Are you my Mummy’ from Dr. Who and we both laughed). What she’s objecting to is not just using that title, but changing her personal narrative which is that she has two moms, not a mom and a dad. She’s fiercely proud of being the kid who has always been open and honest about having queer parents.
For my youngest, I narrowed my focus to something she would definitely notice and have feelings about: my voice. I read her stories every night before bed and sometimes I like to have fun and using different voices. Very rarely, she’s OK with that but most of the time she gets irritated and asks me to please ‘use your real voice’. So I knew voice changes would be the biggest thing for her initially. She’s at an age where she is most concerned about how things effect her at a very basic level. She doesn’t know or care about how the outside world might react to my transition. The other night, as we were settling down for story time, I asked her how she’d feel if I took a medicine that made my voice change. She wrinkled her brow and said, “I wouldn’t like that.” I was not surprised. I responded that I understood that she didn’t want my voice to change but reassured her that it would happen very slowly and that I wouldn’t stop reading stories to her and that we would get used to it together. I don’t think I convinced her.
Today I was talking to my Sweetheart in Seattle when I went to the mailbox and found a package from Strohecker’s. I have my vial of testosterone cypionate, syringes and needles. I’ll have my first injection in a couple of days.
Oh my god, this is actually going to happen.
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