If I had a broken leg or a tumor, I’d go to a specialist and get a diagnosis and a course of action for treatment. I wouldn’t have to research the injury or ailment and come up with a solution, there are people trained to do that, to use their equipment to peer inside us and see what’s wrong and offer a way to fix it.
For me at least, being trans* is not like a broken leg or a tumor. No one can sit inside my head and monitor the thoughts and sift through the evidence and diagnose me. I have to be my own expert, it’s me and my committee up there in the exclusive club of my mind.
I have everything I need. My wife supports and loves me. My kids love and support me. My parents support me, though a bit overwhelmed by the upcoming changes. I’m surrounded by a fantastic community of friends and acquaintances who are 100% behind me and any decision I make. They’re excited for me, maybe even eager in their curiosity and cheer leading. The women who are involved with me are supportive and excited for me. My employers and co-workers are solidly with me, ready to support me in the choices I make.
I have access to the medical care I need, a great therapist and primary health provider, both of whom have signed off on my desire to take testosterone. There is no one standing in my way. No one with any authority is saying “No”. So I feel fantastic, right? I have all the power to do exactly as I want, that’s amazing, right?
It’s hit me, this afternoon, after making an appointment for my first T shot, that I am entirely alone in this. It’s my decision, mine and mine alone. No one can stop me, no one can tell me I’m wrong, at least no one who has any power. And that is incredible, I am incredibly privileged to be in this position. I’m also more than a little intimidated. There is no one who can tell me if I’m right about this and it’s quite a gamble. I’m poised on the the last steps before consciously altering myself in ways that will not be reversible. There is no Undo button on some of the changes I’m about to welcome to my body. And I’m the only one who can determine whether I’m right or not. And I’ve never done this before, I have no experience, no special tools to diagnose myself and determine the right solution to my problem. Just me, my mind, my gut… some kind of body-mind wisdom that seems to stretch beyond the life I’m currently living.
Am I right? I have no idea yet. There’s no one stopping me from taking the leap, it’s all up to me now.
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