If I had a broken leg or a tumor, I’d go to a specialist and get a diagnosis and a course of action for treatment. Â I wouldn’t have to research the injury or ailment and come up with a solution, there are people trained to do that, to use their equipment to peer inside us and see what’s wrong and offer a way to fix it.
For me at least, being trans* is not like a broken leg or a tumor. Â No one can sit inside my head and monitor the thoughts and sift through the evidence and diagnose me. Â I have to be my own expert, it’s me and my committee up there in the exclusive club of my mind.
I have everything I need. Â My wife supports and loves me. Â My kids love and support me. Â My parents support me, though a bit overwhelmed by the upcoming changes. Â I’m surrounded by a fantastic community of friends and acquaintances who are 100% behind me and any decision I make. Â They’re excited for me, maybe even eager in their curiosity and cheer leading. Â The women who are involved with me are supportive and excited for me. Â My employers and co-workers are solidly with me, ready to support me in the choices I make.
I have access to the medical care I need, a great therapist and primary health provider, both of whom have signed off on my desire to take testosterone. Â There is no one standing in my way. Â No one with any authority is saying “No”. Â So I feel fantastic, right? Â I have all the power to do exactly as I want, that’s amazing, right?
It’s hit me, this afternoon, after making an appointment for my first T shot, that I am entirely alone in this. Â It’s my decision, mine and mine alone. Â No one can stop me, no one can tell me I’m wrong, at least no one who has any power. Â And that is incredible, I am incredibly privileged to be in this position. Â I’m also more than a little intimidated. Â There is no one who can tell me if I’m right about this and it’s quite a gamble. Â I’m poised on the the last steps before consciously altering myself in ways that will not be reversible. Â There is no Undo button on some of the changes I’m about to welcome to my body. Â And I’m the only one who can determine whether I’m right or not. Â And I’ve never done this before, I have no experience, no special tools to diagnose myself and determine the right solution to my problem. Â Just me, my mind, my gut… some kind of body-mind wisdom that seems to stretch beyond the life I’m currently living.
Am I right? Â I have no idea yet. Â There’s no one stopping me from taking the leap, it’s all up to me now.
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