Trans*date 2014.5.17, Moving to a New Place

As is my habit, I try to translate my insides to the outside world through words.  Analogies play a big part in that translation.  I was having a conversation with a friend, a transguy who is younger than I by age, but older in transition.  I described the feelings I’m having about moving from recognizably female to a more recognizably male presentation as something like the feelings I’ve had when moving from one home to another.  It’s not that I hate the old place, but it doesn’t fit me and my lifestyle anymore.  I’m excited about moving to the new place but also already having feelings of loss about the place I’m moving from.

Some of the changes that will take place are not primary goals for me.  I want to be seen as masculine, but I also like the way people attracted to butches see me now.  And I have some fears about losing that appreciation.  I suppose that’s a risk I have to accept.

I want to feel more comfortable in my masculinity while with other masculine and male people, but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable among those who are more feminine or female identified.  I have experienced life as someone perceived female for 50 years and there are a lot of experiences I share with female people, and that part of me is not going to be erased by my transition.  But it will be less and less visible to others and I suppose there may come a time when people meeting me for the first time won’t recognize that being female was a pre-existing condition of my life.

I want to feel comfortable in my body, I want to feel ‘right’ or as close to right as I can get.  And even with the lack of alignment I’ve felt all my life, I don’t hate my body as it is.  Any more than I hated the first house my wife and I owned, it was just too small for the family and life we had planned.  My body has been a great home, and being perceived as a masculine female hasn’t been the worst thing ever either.  I just want better than ‘not the worst’, you know?  There have been times in the past few years when I walk past the mirror and stop suddenly, fascinated by what I see.  It’s as if I’m looking at someone I know well but don’t often take the time to look at deeply.  It throws me off to see boobs on my chest, it seems weird to see feminine curves and tells.  I think I’m going to go through the same thing as I transition, I’m going to be startled by my reflection, looking intently at this new person who is now appearing in my mirror.  I’m going to have to get to know myself all over again.  That’s exciting, no doubt about it.  It’s also a bit scary.  Will I like the new person I begin to be?  How much will the physical changes effect my insides?  Will I even recognize those changes if they happen?

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4 Responses to Trans*date 2014.5.17, Moving to a New Place

  1. Jamie Ray says:

    I think the advantage of transitioning (binary or not) in mid-life is that we are who we are. The body may change, but our character remains constant. Certain aspects that were suppressed may pop up more, but they were always there anyway. What I hoping for, for myself, is more peace of mind and less inner dissonance. I’m hoping top surgery will suffice- but there is only one way to find out.

    Yeah, I think for me there is definitely an advantage. I’ve worked out a lot of healthy ways to deal with stress and anxiety and I think that’s going to help during my ‘second puberty’. Also, I have the ability to communicate about my needs and to know when I need to take a time out. I know myself a lot better than I did when I was in my 20s and I have confidence in my ability to work through difficulty. This is a gamble, for sure. No two people experience transition the same way and I have no guarantee that either testosterone or top surgery will ‘do the trick’ for me, but I’m at a point in my life where I need to try. K

  2. Chris says:

    You might want to peruse this site, before you finalize your decision: http://dirtywhiteboi67.blogspot.com/

    Thank you but this is not a hasty decision. I’ve been considering my options actively for the last 7 years and less consciously for more than 45 years. I do understand that there are options besides taking testosterone and having surgery, I’ve been exploring them. Still am, actually. However, I am not transitioning to escape femaleness or lesbianism or being a woman. I am making my best attempt to be me. I understand you may be hoping to help me, but I find much of the tone of that blog to be offensive – to me, to others who embrace transition of various kinds as our healthy choice. I find some of the opinions set forth there to be transphobic and no, reading that blog is not going to help me consider other options, I’ve been doing that on my own, thank you. I understand that some people who choose to undertake medical transition have regrets later, realize they should have made other choices. I also realize that I’ve been giving those other options a thorough ride. This is not a case of me jumping on a trend or being led here by politically correct parents. K

  3. Chris says:

    I hope that I didn’t inadvertently offend you. I was indeed, just trying to be helpful. I wish you the best, however, on your new journey.

    Thank you, Chris, for returning to clarify your intention. I thank you for being in a helpful frame of mind, but that blog is presenting some personal choices and realizations in a way that is very judgmental with regard to people making other personal choices and realizations. Best to you, as well – K

  4. Scout says:

    I am actually really excited that our friendship is deepening as you go through this and excited to see you going through changes. I think as you feel more comfortable in your own skin you will find new layers of yourself. Exciting times.

    Exciting, terrifying, confusing at times, exhilarating, liberating, energizing and exhausting.. all at the same time. I’m really happy to have your friendship and support now, too, and hopefully for a long time to come – K

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