Trans*date, 2014.5.13, Making Appointments

I have decided that I’m definitely going to be taking testosterone, now much and how soon are not decided yet.  I have made an appointment to talk to my primary health care provider, my butch NP, about getting started.  That’s pretty big considering a few months ago, I had no plans to take T whatsoever.  It’s a tangible step, stepping away from theory and speculation into something real.  I asked my wife to come with me to the initial appointment.  She was really surprised.  I asked her to come because I want her support, physically, there with me in the room and also because I want her to have an opportunity to ask her questions and get the answers directly without me filtering (consciously or unconsciously).

Even before I made that appointment, I’d started ‘sitting with’ the changes I was about to bring to my body and my life.  There are lists, you know?  Lists of the known physiological changes that come about when you begin to take T, as well as lists of possible changes and effects.  This is the constant mental thread running through my mind now… “What will this be like when I’m on T?  What will this moment feel like when I don’t have boobs?”  “How will this interaction be different when I have more facial hair, when my voice is lower?”   And then there are the things that will change that I can’t even foresee, the things that depend on other people, how they will individually react to me.

My head gets spinning sometimes and I get that panicked feeling of being overwhelmed, drowning in anxiety and anticipation.  I’m dealing with that by being more active.  I used to eat my anxiety but I don’t want to disconnect with my body in that way right when I’m on the edge of being able to connect with it so much more fully.  So I’m getting outside when I can, getting on my bike, walking, working in my yard, working hard and sweating a lot.  Sometimes to settle myself before sleep, I’m doing some yoga, some crunches, planks and push ups, leg lifts.. body weight exercises.  It seems to be helping.  I’m keeping on a pretty even keel, staying present with my life as it is, while planning for and preparing for some pretty radical life changes.

I’ve got about 2 and a half weeks before that appointment… a lot of time, more time than I actually want between now and then.  I could have gotten an earlier appointment but I wanted some more time, not for me, really, but for my wife.  I want her to have some time to process and get acclimatized to the reality that I’m taking this step.  Even though she said recently that she’s known I would take T for about 2 years now… that’s not the same as knowing I’m going to start this summer.

So, two and a half weeks to continue to think about all of this.  Two and a half more weeks to divert my anxious energy into exercise.  Might as well get this body in shape before I change the shape of this body.

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