I have decided that I’m definitely going to be taking testosterone, now much and how soon are not decided yet. Â I have made an appointment to talk to my primary health care provider, my butch NP, about getting started. Â That’s pretty big considering a few months ago, I had no plans to take T whatsoever. Â It’s a tangible step, stepping away from theory and speculation into something real. Â I asked my wife to come with me to the initial appointment. Â She was really surprised. Â I asked her to come because I want her support, physically, there with me in the room and also because I want her to have an opportunity to ask her questions and get the answers directly without me filtering (consciously or unconsciously).
Even before I made that appointment, I’d started ‘sitting with’ the changes I was about to bring to my body and my life. Â There are lists, you know? Â Lists of the known physiological changes that come about when you begin to take T, as well as lists of possible changes and effects. Â This is the constant mental thread running through my mind now… “What will this be like when I’m on T? Â What will this moment feel like when I don’t have boobs?” Â “How will this interaction be different when I have more facial hair, when my voice is lower?” Â And then there are the things that will change that I can’t even foresee, the things that depend on other people, how they will individually react to me.
My head gets spinning sometimes and I get that panicked feeling of being overwhelmed, drowning in anxiety and anticipation. Â I’m dealing with that by being more active. Â I used to eat my anxiety but I don’t want to disconnect with my body in that way right when I’m on the edge of being able to connect with it so much more fully. Â So I’m getting outside when I can, getting on my bike, walking, working in my yard, working hard and sweating a lot. Â Sometimes to settle myself before sleep, I’m doing some yoga, some crunches, planks and push ups, leg lifts.. body weight exercises. Â It seems to be helping. Â I’m keeping on a pretty even keel, staying present with my life as it is, while planning for and preparing for some pretty radical life changes.
I’ve got about 2 and a half weeks before that appointment… a lot of time, more time than I actually want between now and then. Â I could have gotten an earlier appointment but I wanted some more time, not for me, really, but for my wife. Â I want her to have some time to process and get acclimatized to the reality that I’m taking this step. Â Even though she said recently that she’s known I would take T for about 2 years now… that’s not the same as knowing I’m going to start this summer.
So, two and a half weeks to continue to think about all of this. Â Two and a half more weeks to divert my anxious energy into exercise. Â Might as well get this body in shape before I change the shape of this body.
This content is published under the Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported license.
