It Hits Me At Odd Moments

I’ve been thinking a lot about transition, my transition, the one I’m designing specifically for myself.  I’ve been thinking about the changes that will result from taking T, looking through the list as though memorizing it will magically give me the ability to make a choice.

What reading does not do, experiencing does.  Last night I was driving home from an evening of drinking and geeking with my friends, listening to the radio and singing along, one of my favorite activities.  A song came on the radio, one that has a lot of personal meaning and I let my lungs fill with it, singing clear and light and beautifully out into the night.

And then it hit me.

My voice, this singing voice that I have loved and cherished and nurtured since I was a teenager singing to the Journey Escape album  in the dark of my room… it’s going to change.  The plan that is becoming more and more solid in my mind, the plan that alternately thrills and scares me to death, that plan will alter my singing voice forever more.  I’d been thinking about how I’d like my voice to be deeper, but I’d only been thinking about my speaking voice.  Last night it brought tears to my eyes to realize that I’d be trading some of that clear high range for something … else.

I can’t imagine not singing along to all my favorite songs, I can’t imagine not enjoying hearing my voice as I sing.  I don’t know how it’s all going to turn out and that scares me but it’s not just the voice, obviously.  That’s just a stand-in for all the changes that are coming.  The fear, the thrill, the nervousness, the worrying about how others will react, that’s bad enough.  What has been coming home to me more and more in the past couple of weeks is how worried I am that I’ll be disappointed, freaked out, mad at myself for going down a path where some changes are not reversible.  I’m kind of vain, in case that wasn’t obvious before.  I love my voice and I also like my hair a whole lot.  I like my face.  All of those things are in the cross-hairs of testosterone induced change.  There are chances that I’ll love my new face, my new voice and my new hairline.  I hope so.

So much to think about, so much to process and consider and prepare for.  Today it feels like all the emotions are piling on — feelings about transition, grief about breaking up with Ruby.  I feel really small today and all of this seems so very large.  I want to crawl under the covers and have someone else take care of me.


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