I’m writing this before I know if I’ll post it or not. I’m writing it because I’m used to writing about All. The. Things. I’m writing because it helps me to get things out of my head. Especially hard things.
Ruby broke up with me this week. I don’t want to go into the reasons why or the circumstances or any of that. I still have a lot of feelings about her and our relationship and I still like her a lot and I’m gonna keep some stuff to myself.
We were in a relationship for about 7 months. We became friends a little more than a year ago, the sexual and romantic stuff came along later. And now it’s over. And now we are going to try to go back to being friends only.
She’s totally worthy of friendship, no question of that, but still it’s not an easy transition to make. I feel exhausted from thinking about what I could have done differently and how I might have fixed things and wondering if I’m any good at relationships. And then pushing back on all that in attempt to give myself a break because I’m not bad at relationships, I’m human and shit happens. I feel weary at a deep, deep level.
I am very grateful to friends who’ve been rallying around me, holding me in their loving thoughts and sending offers of friend dates and hugs. I am very lucky to have them all. My wife has been wonderful, checking in with me about how I’m feeling but also giving me some space to process. She knows me well.
Ruby, love, I wish you the best. I have lots of love and high regard for you, that hasn’t changed. I’m sorry things didn’t work out and I hope the best for you as you do the things in life that make you happiest. I will miss your kisses, your style, your fabulously glittery eye-shadow, getting to know Portland with you through dinners and breakfasts and the proud feeling of being your boyfriend.
Take care, honey.
I guess I’m gonna post this one, after all.
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