Wishing I Was Better At This

Maybe it’s the hormones, maybe I’m mentally exhausted from NaNoWriMo month and stress at work.  Maybe it’s because I don’t get to see  my girlfriend until after the holidays and that makes it harder to feel generous about the time my wife is spending with her boyfriend.  Maybe I’m just human.  At any rate, the last few days I’ve been having a harder time with some aspects of my poly relationship web.

Along with feelings of jealousy and envy, I’m feeling guilty and judging myself pretty harshly about feeling jealousy and envy.  I feel like I’m letting people down.  The people in my relationship web and people who look to me as an example of doing poly right. I tell people that these less enjoyable emotions don’t go away, even when you are successfully poly.  So why don’t I listen to myself?  Do any of us take our own advice as well as we want others to?

I went to yoga this morning.  Sunday morning yoga has become really important to me.  It is purely me time and it helps me wrap up one week before beginning the next.  This morning, during the mediation after a sometimes challenging yoga practice, I began to cry.  Not sobbing or anything, but emotions were leaking out of my eyes for sure.  During meditation, I reached out to the pain I was feeling, the hurt feelings and insecurity that had grown in the last week.  Those feelings were embodied in a younger version of myself, a young boy who I reached out to, internally.  I imagined sitting on a couch with my arm around this younger self, holding him and reassuring him.  I didn’t say it’s OK or It’ll get better.  I just said, I’m here, I’ll always be here.  We’re in this together.  And after a few deep breaths with this intention in my mind, I felt something loosening up inside me.  And that’s when the tears came.  And as they came, as I opened up and softened my internal guard, another emotional presence made itself known.  This was another younger presence, but older than the young boy.  My teen self –  wary, cynical, with guards up.  I didn’t put my arm around this one, that’s not his style.  I made space for him to sit, to be close, but he didn’t want to be held and comforted like the younger one.  I extended my inner love to wrap around teen-self.  I see you, I said, I see you and I know how strong you are, I know you’re tough and smart.  I know I can’t move forward without you and I wouldn’t want to.  We’re in this together.  He didn’t cry like the young one, but he allowed himself to relax into me, head against my shoulder, showing that he heard me, too.

Maybe it’s a weird concept, this way of embodying my feelings — which I got from my therapist — but it really works well.  I am a visual person and being able to visualize my emotions and conflicts as selves within me has been really useful.

I’m glad I have ways of working through the less than enjoyable emotions I seem to not be able to get away from.  I am human, I have my flaws, I don’t always enjoy what’s going on inside my head and heart.  I am doing my best to not judge myself.  It ain’t easy.

But, hey, no one promised being human was easy.

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