Maybe it’s the hormones, maybe I’m mentally exhausted from NaNoWriMo month and stress at work. Â Maybe it’s because I don’t get to see Â my girlfriend until after the holidays and that makes it harder to feel generous about the time my wife is spending with her boyfriend. Â Maybe I’m just human. Â At any rate, the last few days I’ve been having a harder time with some aspects of my poly relationship web.
Along with feelings of jealousy and envy, I’m feeling guilty and judging myself pretty harshly about feeling jealousy and envy. Â I feel like I’m letting people down. Â The people in my relationship web and people who look to me as an example of doing poly right. I tell people that these less enjoyable emotions don’t go away, even when you are successfully poly. Â So why don’t I listen to myself? Â Do any of us take our own advice as well as we want others to?
I went to yoga this morning. Â Sunday morning yoga has become really important to me. Â It is purely me time and it helps me wrap up one week before beginning the next. Â This morning, during the mediation after a sometimes challenging yoga practice, I began to cry. Â Not sobbing or anything, but emotions were leaking out of my eyes for sure. Â During meditation, I reached out to the pain I was feeling, the hurt feelings and insecurity that had grown in the last week. Â Those feelings were embodied in a younger version of myself, a young boy who I reached out to, internally. Â I imagined sitting on a couch with my arm around this younger self, holding him and reassuring him. Â I didn’t say it’s OK or It’ll get better. Â I just said, I’m here, I’ll always be here. Â We’re in this together. Â And after a few deep breaths with this intention in my mind, I felt something loosening up inside me. Â And that’s when the tears came. Â And as they came, as I opened up and softened my internal guard, another emotional presence made itself known. Â This was another younger presence, but older than the young boy. Â My teen self – Â wary, cynical, with guards up. Â I didn’t put my arm around this one, that’s not his style. Â I made space for him to sit, to be close, but he didn’t want to be held and comforted like the younger one. Â I extended my inner love to wrap around teen-self. Â I see you, I said, I see you and I know how strong you are, I know you’re tough and smart. Â I know I can’t move forward without you and I wouldn’t want to. Â We’re in this together. Â He didn’t cry like the young one, but he allowed himself to relax into me, head against my shoulder, showing that he heard me, too.
Maybe it’s a weird concept, this way of embodying my feelings — which I got from my therapist — but it really works well. Â I am a visual person and being able to visualize my emotions and conflicts as selves within me has been really useful.
I’m glad I have ways of working through the less than enjoyable emotions I seem to not be able to get away from. Â I am human, I have my flaws, I don’t always enjoy what’s going on inside my head and heart. Â I am doing my best to not judge myself. Â It ain’t easy.
But, hey, no one promised being human was easy.
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