If You Knew Me…

Part of being a ‘public figure’ is that people tend to think they know you better than they actually do.  While it’s true that I put a lot of my real self into this blog and into my other online venues, but I also hold a lot back.

If you knew me…

… you’d know that I like to be friends with someone before we become lovers (online or in the flesh).  Trust and connection are important, I want to know what makes a person tick, where they’re coming from, what’s important to them.  I want them to know what makes me tick and what’s important to me.  I know I write a lot about my sex life, my sexual tastes, my kinks and my inner workings here, but there’s plenty I don’t share.  I usually reserve a bit until I have some experience with a person and when I know I can trust them, I open up a lot.

… you’d know that I’m an introvert.  That doesn’t mean I don’t do well in groups, or that I can’t get up and speak in public, or that I’m paralyzed with shyness.  It does mean I need down time, time to recharge, quiet time with less interaction in order to get ready for more group activity and public exposure.  It means that interactions drain my batteries, even though I crave and enjoy the connections I have with other people.

… you’d know that I am shy, in some situations.  Once I get to know people, my confidence grows but at first, I hold back a bit, I’m unsure of myself, a little insecure.  I worry that people will see my public face and think that I’m like that all the time, that I’m like the characters in my stories… and I am, but I’m also more reserved and not always as cool and collected as they are.

… you’d know that I’m often nervous when meeting new people.  I want to make a good impression, I want people to like me.

… you’d know that I’m a romantic, that underneath my armor, I’m a softy who wants to buy flowers and hold hands and write poems about the people I love.

… you’d know that I grew up on a farm.  I’m handy and confident about my physical abilities, I know how to work hard, how to dedicate time and effort to projects.  I don’t mind getting dirty and it takes a lot to squick me.  I’ve spent a lot of time in barns and around all kinds of animals.  I love being outside, love watching clouds move through the sky.  I love the sound of rain falling on metal roofing.

… you’d know that I can sit and watch clouds, or moving water or grass swaying in the breeze for long moments, sometimes hours.  I spend a lot of my time in my head.  It’s usually an enjoyable place to be.  I’ve been called a space cadet for good reason.

… you’d know that I like some hot and heavy foreplay before the main event (and really, if you knew me well, you’d know that I consider foreplay to be a main event).

… you’d know that I have freckles everywhere.

… you’d know that I tend to keep loving and being friends with my exes unless they give me reason not to.  My family is the most important group of people in my life, and my family includes folks related by blood and plenty who are not.  If you become a member of my family, you’re kind of stuck with me.

… you’d know that I’m ambitious, that I have big ideas and big plans and big visions.  Making those plans a reality takes time and energy.  In practical terms, that means I need to make time to spend on my writing, on plans I have for my blog and my life plans and since I haven’t figured out how to invent more hours in the day, that means I have to take time away from other pursuits like flirting, dirty chat and drinking beer with friends [even though I am loath to limit that time].

… you’d know that as much as I need time and energy to do the things I want to do, I often feel a bit low on both.  I’ve been practicing better self-care in those moments by limiting my online time, getting quiet time alone.  And sometimes, even if I’m online, I might limit my interactions.  That doesn’t mean I don’t still love my friends, it just means I love myself, too and I’m trying to take better care of me.

… you’d know that I am more of a lover than a fighter.  I am slow to anger and don’t get truly angry very often, but when I do get angry it’s huge and heated and loud.  And I usually end up feeling guilty about it.

… you’d know a whole lot of other things but I think I’ll leave those for you to discover.

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