Part of being a ‘public figure’ is that people tend to think they know you better than they actually do. Â While it’s true that I put a lot of my real self into this blog and into my other online venues, but I also hold a lot back.
If you knew me…
… you’d know that I like to be friends with someone before we become lovers (online or in the flesh). Â Trust and connection are important, I want to know what makes a person tick, where they’re coming from, what’s important to them. Â I want them to know what makes me tick and what’s important to me. Â I know I write a lot about my sex life, my sexual tastes, my kinks and my inner workings here, but there’s plenty I don’t share. Â I usually reserve a bit until I have some experience with a person and when I know I can trust them, I open up a lot.
… you’d know that I’m an introvert. Â That doesn’t mean I don’t do well in groups, or that I can’t get up and speak in public, or that I’m paralyzed with shyness. Â It does mean I need down time, time to recharge, quiet time with less interaction in order to get ready for more group activity and public exposure. Â It means that interactions drain my batteries, even though I crave and enjoy the connections I have with other people.
… you’d know that I am shy, in some situations. Â Once I get to know people, my confidence grows but at first, I hold back a bit, I’m unsure of myself, a little insecure. Â I worry that people will see my public face and think that I’m like that all the time, that I’m like the characters in my stories… and I am, but I’m also more reserved and not always as cool and collected as they are.
… you’d know that I’m often nervous when meeting new people. Â I want to make a good impression, I want people to like me.
… you’d know that I’m a romantic, that underneath my armor, I’m a softy who wants to buy flowers and hold hands and write poems about the people I love.
… you’d know that I grew up on a farm. Â I’m handy and confident about my physical abilities, I know how to work hard, how to dedicate time and effort to projects. Â I don’t mind getting dirty and it takes a lot to squick me. Â I’ve spent a lot of time in barns and around all kinds of animals. Â I love being outside, love watching clouds move through the sky. Â I love the sound of rain falling on metal roofing.
… you’d know that I can sit and watch clouds, or moving water or grass swaying in the breeze for long moments, sometimes hours. Â I spend a lot of my time in my head. Â It’s usually an enjoyable place to be. Â I’ve been called a space cadet for good reason.
… you’d knowÂ that I like some hot and heavy foreplay before the main event (and really, if you knew me well, you’d know that I consider foreplay to be a main event).
… you’d know that I have freckles everywhere.
… you’d know that I tend to keep loving and being friends with my exes unless they give me reason not to. Â My family is the most important group of people in my life, and my family includes folks related by blood and plenty who are not. Â If you become a member of my family, you’re kind of stuck with me.
… you’d know that I’m ambitious, that I have big ideas and big plans and big visions. Â Making those plans a reality takes time and energy. Â In practical terms, that means I need to make time to spend on my writing, on plans I have for my blog and my life plans and since I haven’t figured out how to invent more hours in the day, that means I have to take time away from other pursuits like flirting, dirty chat and drinking beer with friends [even though I am loath to limit that time].
… you’d know that as much as I need time and energy to do the things I want to do, I often feel a bit low on both. Â I’ve been practicing better self-care in those moments by limiting my online time, getting quiet time alone. Â And sometimes, even if I’m online, I might limit my interactions. Â That doesn’t mean I don’t still love my friends, it just means I love myself, too and I’m trying to take better care of me.
… you’d know that I am more of a lover than a fighter. Â I am slow to anger and don’t get truly angry very often, but when I do get angry it’s huge and heated and loud. Â And I usually end up feeling guilty about it.
… you’d know a whole lot of other things but I think I’ll leave those for you to discover.
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