My Idealistic Heart

Taking a walk today, in the cloudy sunshine, I felt the familiar pangs of grief starting up again and I looked onward to see who was raising the issue this time.  This is what I’ve been learning to do, to see strong emotions as a signal that I should give audience to an element of me who’s triggering and producing that emotional response.

When I looked inward I found a voice crying out in pain and confusion.  This is a part of me who sees love in very pure and idealistic ways.  ‘Why’, this voice asked, ‘when we do our best and when our best is so much better than what others are doing, why do we still lose? It’s not supposed to be like that.  When we open up and give all we can give, we shouldn’t lose in love.  We shouldn’t be lonely and sad like this.’

And you know what? I don’t have a good answer for that part of me.  It made me cry.  That very simple notion of love and relationships is at the heart of my ongoing pain. It is the heart of me. I don’t know how to reassure my heart when I can’t promise it that things will change, that results will be better. The next time we fall in love, we’ll run this risk again, and, given our historic record in these matters, there are more tears waiting for us.

So why do it?  Why offer my tender, idealistic heart to someone new?  There are days I cannot come up with any good reasons for taking that risk. Today, even through these tears, I know that it’s not all sadness and loss.  The highs of love are amazing, the way love helps us grow and learn and become better versions of ourselves is still something I believe in.  I don’t want to give up on love or desire.  I want to feel that high again.  I want to hand my tender heart to someone who will hold it gently in their hands and teach me how to laugh and love and lust all over again.

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One Response to My Idealistic Heart

  1. Lyn says:

    Freakin’ grief; freakin’ process. I’m so worn down by it. I’m impressed with your courage and stamina and bravery; you provide me an example of how I want to be, instead of mentally curling up in a ball and saying “forget it all, I’m done. Enough already.” Oh, that last part, and that last line: that would be lovely, wouldn’t it? I wish that for you, and hope you find someone worthy of that honor.

    “courage and stamina” … I appreciate you seeing those qualities in me and I understand why, but sometimes I think, “What else would I do?” I guess I could curl up in a ball and try to quit life, but that’s not as easy as it seems. I get bored too easily and I can’t sleep more than 8 hours at a time (usually less). So I keep trudging along, resting when I need to, but never quitting completely. And I keep posting here because I’ve always processed in words. And because you and others are listening and feeding into the process and sharing your own.

    I’m not ready to give up on new love coming into my life, I am just wondering when I’ll feel like I can open up to it. That’s the trick. Well, that and finding someone to open up for — K

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