String of Increasingly Vicious Curse Words

Today is another angry day, stupid, self-damaging, fucked up, shitty anger.  Where it started almost doesn’t matter, except it’s an incident I’d rather not repeat and in order to make that happen I have to get the cooperation of my wife.  Because apparently, since life is a shithead, having one really good open loving conversation with her does not in fact, solve all problems and send me out dancing in the daisies of easy living.

I believe I have reason to be mad, to feel that she was inconsiderate and to call her out on it.  To ask for a change, to ask for consideration and a recognition of my needs.  What is majorly motherfucking stupid is that I have let that anger dominate my whole day which means I pretty much missed it.  And that fucking sucks.  I am always griping about how I don’t have enough time and I’ve let a whole day be dominated by anger, dark thoughts and a steady stream of curse words being muttered by the voices in my head.

It doesn’t help that as a result of her actions, and my reactions, I didn’t sleep well last night and woke up with a headache, which I’m still under the influence of.

I have throughout the day been caught up in the mental image of physically thrashing, tearing it all apart, screaming in pain and anguish and rage.  This is not who I want to be, it seems very fucked up that I have to go through this on my way to feeling healthy and whole.  This feels like the exact opposite of healthy and whole so it feels like I’m getting farther away instead of closer.

Fuck you, rage

Fuck you, headache

Fuck you, selfish inconsiderate actions

Fuck you, anger that leads to insomnia

Fuck you, lack of fucking control over my emotions

Fuck you, feeling like a raw nerve exposed all the fucking time because I have no shell to protect me anymore

Fuck you, loneliness

Fuck this

right in the ear hole

 

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