I’m learning to open up more, to open up in the face of overwhelming fears,
fears of exposure
fears that my feelings will be laughed at, rejected
fears that my emotions are wrong
fears that trusting the people I should trust will leave me alone and hurt
fears that I will be rejected
fears that I am wrong
fears that I’ll never learn how to navigate all of this mess
fears that they’re talking about me behind my back
fears that my feelings will hurt someone else
fears that my feelings aren’t as important as other people’s
fears that I’m not as important as other people
So why am I doing it?
… because I fear being alone,
I fear not opening up and being alone in my turtle shell with my pain and my fear and my self-loathing
I fear being left behind if I don’t try to let others in
I open up and expose the soft vulnerable feelings because I need to believe that the people who love me won’t cut me open and laugh at what they find. I need to believe in something larger than my own hang ups and negative tapes. I open up because I sometimes have this crazy idea that I am lovable, that I am worth the effort, that the people I care the most about will want to put out the effort in order to love me. Where I am. Standing in the middle of this mess that is who I am.
I hope I’m right.
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