There are days when I feel like I’m making progress, moving forward with my life and getting more healthy emotionally. Then there are days like the ones recently where I feel like I must be on an elaborate treadmill, walking the same route over and over again without getting anywhere.
I’m working on finding a therapist to help me sort out and find balance with the emotional storms that continue to wage war on my sanity. I’m lying awake at night with negative tapes playing at full volume and when they reach the end, they either start back up or I make up new ones. This is the territory where I start to see attacks that don’t exist, where I create monsters out of the people who love me.
And though I know it will help to have a trained and impartial set of ears to listen to me and echo back, I’m not going to wait when good ideas come to me.
For example, during a pretty intense and sometimes vulnerable conversation with my wife today, it occurred to me that I owed her an apology. Maybe a multifaceted one. You see, back a few years ago, when I was discovering who I was as a kinky, D/s loving, non binary gendered person, I didn’t let her in on the process. I shut her out pretty much entirely, and the reasons for that go back many years and I’m not going to get into that now. From across the distance I created between us, I delivered information to her as I came across it, and as I made decisions for myself and about myself, but I didn’t invite her to give me feedback or be a part of that journey. I didn’t invite her to communicate how it impacted her and our family. That was a mistake, a huge mistake. Though I don’t regret the discoveries I’ve made, and I’m not second guessing them, I know now that my decision to cut her out of the process hurt her and hurt us. And I need to apologize to her for that, for not giving her a chance, for not trusting her. I don’t imagine it will be an easy conversation but it is clear as day to me that this is something I have to do. I’ve been digging around in my innerds, looking for the blockages that keep me walking on that treadmill, keep me sick and tired and feeling lost, and I think this is one of them. And I’m hoping that once I push this aside, with her help, because I really need her support going forward, that once we do this, some of that unhealthy stress and dis-ease will flow away. I don’t expect it to happen all at once, and I fully expect to find something else once I push this baggage aside, but it’s a start on what I hope is a healthier path.
It’s been too easy to blame others for the hurt and avoid the part I’ve played. It feels like this is an important year, a year to move forward, evolve, develop new emotional muscles, get healthier. Considering the quantity and diversity of ways I’ve been physically ill in the past 6 months, something has to change and change a lot. Wish me luck.
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