I try to live my life in such a way that I won’t be confronted by a long list of regrets in my last moments. Nonetheless, I have plenty and can only hope to outnumber them with an even longer list of joys.
The other evening, she asked me if I regretted falling in love with her. She wanted me to take a moment and to answer honestly, without reserve. That’s easy, I told her, I do not regret for a moment falling in love with you. I would do it over and over again on an endless loop if I could. (and I suppose, given the way I’m revisiting our mutual past, I am doing just that). Falling in love with her is one of the best things that has ever happened to me and I wouldn’t give that up, no matter how much this hurts right now.
I do not regret falling in love with you.
Not for a moment, not even when I’m the most upset and grieving.
I do have some regrets, however, and these ones might haunt me.
I regret not kissing you more. I should have kissed you longer and more often. Even when it wasn’t the right place or when someone might be watching. Maybe especially then. Kissing you was always good, it always felt like we were unlocking the secret door to my favorite place.
I should have held your hand more. Holding your hand, especially in public, was a statement of love and defiance, but it also felt so perfectly right, no matter what the occasion. Your hand fits in mine so well.
I should have made love to you more. When the choice was between staying in or going somewhere to do something that seemed important at that time, I should have stayed in. I should have never passed on the opportunity to glory in your body, your skin, your passion.
I should have held you close, as much as I could, even more often than I did. To fall into you was like falling into a limitless pool of unconditional love. Holding you, I felt so complete I forgot we were not one entity.
I wish I had more opportunities to whisper “I love you” in your ear, more chances to revel in the privilege of being your companion, your lover, being seen with you and walking that cocky walk that says “Yeah, I know, I’m a lucky guy”.
I don’t regret falling for you, love. In fact, I am still doing it, because every day, every conversation we have, every memory that surfaces brings the same message: I was right to fall in love with you. If I had the chance to do it all again, I would fall in love with you again, but this time I would love you even bigger and longer and brighter and louder and more often than I did the first time around.
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