Monday came to my door early this morning, even though I didn’t want it. The delivery person held out a clipboard and told me I had to sign for it but I hesitated, reached out and then withdrew my hand. All I got was a chuckle and a shake of the head.
“Doesn’t matter anyway, I’m not putting it back on my truck.”
For its part, Monday wasn’t saying anything, just squatting there, bulky and awkward, glowering at me (glower, glower) . I closed the door on its face but it came in anyway.
Yesterday, I woke up feeling all the physical impacts of my night at Crowbar. Monday came carrying the emotional impacts of that night, plus the additional impacts resulting from yesterday’s post, where I gave an unfiltered account of what happened.
I woke up feeling prickly, kind of brittle. A big drop for a big emotional event. If I were a cartoon animal, I would be Paranoid Porcupine — ready to shoot quills first and ask questions later. Y’all would be advised to put up your shields because I don’t want to inadvertently hurt anyone today. I’ve done enough of that.
Yesterday’s post talked about my emotions, feelings of being hurt, of anger, a sense of abandonment and loneliness. Those were some harsh, difficult emotions I’ve been locking down for most of the year. I’ve let them leak out a little, but not enough to keep them from festering into a big pool of bile. They needed to come out and they did and it wasn’t pretty.
Those feelings are real, I’m not taking them back, but they are feelings, not my rational thoughts.
On the rational side of things, I know Roxy hasn’t abandoned me, I know she loves me and desires me and misses the hell out of me. We have talked a lot about the change our relationship is going through. We have made a commitment to work through it together and we are. So I’m not alone, she’s hasn’t gone away. These are the things I know rationally, the true facts.
True facts and feelings don’t always agree with each other and that’s the situation inside me right now. She and I spent some time talking through this yesterday. I know I hurt her with the things I said, by saying I felt abandoned and alone, when she hasn’t abandoned me at all.
So I am a bit of a mess, as Neighbor Femme so accurately pointed out. There are things I know and things I feel and they are sometimes at odds with each other. I find myself easily tipped off my emotional balance point these days. I don’t always behave or communicate in ways that make me proud. I was a bit of a butt-head to people I really like and respect on Saturday night and spent yesterday apologizing and making amends as best I could. I can’t promise I’ve got my shit together, that’s gonna take some time. I will promise to do my best to recognize when I’ve hurt someone’s feelings, stepped on toes and the like. I will promise to keep trying to be the best person I can be.
For those of you who have been fans of Roxy and I for a while, yeah, our relationship has changed a lot this year. We’ve heard from many of you who’ve cheered us on, who’ve been hoping we could make everything work the way it was before and I’m sorry to say, we aren’t able to do that. We are looking for a ‘happily ever after’ that doesn’t match the popular fairy tales we both grew up with and fantasized about living inside. I’m seeing it as a relationship phase change, because we are staying in a relationship with each other while making changes to what that relationship looks like.
This is new for me, ‘breaking up’ has always meant breaking it off. Instead of breaking up, we’re attempting a kind of in-place reformatting. We’re figuring out how to take out the sex and still be lovers and best friends, and soul mates, and co-conspirators. For my part, this has resulted in a lot of messy thrashing, sometimes in the public eye. And unfortunately, messy thrashing has a way of hurting the feelings of people you care about. I’m lucky that Roxy is sticking with me, despite how messy I am. I’m fortunate that I have a steady friend in Neighbor Femme, cuz lord knows, I’ve stepped on her toes more than once during this process. I have friends online and friends offline and I need to be quicker about reaching out to all of them rather than diving deeper into the acidic pit of negative emotions. That’s when I start feeling alone, but it’s something I’m doing to myself, not something being done to me. And the true fact is, I’m not alone, not at all.
So, onward. Monday is still here but I don’t feel quite as prickly as I did. I’m getting through my day, having good conversations with the people I love and who love me and trying hard not to fire any porcupine quills.
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