The chapter on Negotiation in Playing Well with Others, really just the first few pages, has me thinking a lot about what it is I want out of my play with others. Â This is mostly about people I haven’t played with, but am attracted to, or intrigued by, or curious about in my local BDSM community. Â The people I haven’t had the detailed conversations and negotiations with. Â And also about certain types of people that I feel myself drawn to play with.
Specifically, what came up for me on reading that section was my continuing fascination/desire/need to play with male identified people. Â What is it that I want from that interaction? Â Strength, male energy, contact, peer recognition, appreciation and respect. Yeah, I want to be thumped on by that strength, but I also want to be held by it — held down, held against a wall, held in his arms. Â I want to feel his male energy reacting to the male energy in me. Â I want to be recognized by him as one of his peers, one of the guys. I want to be appreciated not necessarily for being like other guys, but for being my own guy, for having individuality, for bring my unique gifts to the experience.
This is not about a lack of something in my non-male identified play partners, not a lack of strength or respect. Â There isn’t a lack of physical, emotional and mental satisfaction for me when I play with them. Â It’s just different and I’ve been trying to work out why and all I can say is that I want to feel that maleness bumping up against my maleness. Â Not just in the sense of two stags butting heads (or cocks) but as a way to refine my feelings about my own masculinity and male identity. Â I want more than fists and implements, full body contact has become an important part of my fantasies. Â For example, wrestling and horsing around are two things that I’d love to experience with other guys. Â Downside, if I play within my weight class, I’m gonna go down so quickly it probably wouldn’t be fun for either of us. Â So yeah, still working my way from the fantasy to the practical, realistic possibilities.
As I work through these feelings and desires, there are people I can imagine from my local community who could provide the desired experience. Â The next step is to figure out how to approach them and how to articulate all this. Â I’m sure Mollena and Lee will do everything they can to help me in that process.
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