Our custom at Pizza Klatch is to start our lunch time support with check ins. Â Checking in involves saying your first name, your preferred gender pronouns and sharing a high and a low from the previous week.
When it was my turn today, I said my preferred pronouns were ‘He/Him’. Â Previously, I’d been saying ‘They/Them or He/Him”. Â Why the change today? Â As it happens, I stated my preference before really thinking about it. Â Afterward, walking back to work in the rain, I had a chance to suss out the reason.
I’ve been trying, very carefully, to thread the balancing point between what I like and what I think is correct. Â If asked which third person pronouns most accurately describe me, I would say ‘They/Them’ because plural neutral pronouns reflect my plurality. Â However, if the question is ‘Which third person pronouns do I prefer?’ the answer is ‘He/Him’.
In the past few days, I’ve started to visualize my gender in a different way, which I will share at some point in the form of a graphic. Â One impact or result of this shift is that I am looking at everything around gender as though it were more of a buffet of choices than a set of results based on an external rule set. Â One of the buffet items is “third person pronouns used to refer to me”. Â And when I get to that place in the buffet, when I think about what feels right, what I like the best, it’s male pronouns. Â Male pronouns and a lot of male identity/role terms feel better, they sound better, they fit through the keyholes of my ears easily and without a lot of uncomfortable jiggling.
I briefly thought about adopting a neutral third person pronoun set such as ‘Ze/Zir/Zirs’ or ‘Ze/Hir/Hirs’ and I’m not counting that out as a future option for some of areas of my life, but I’m not there yet. Â So on the question of “What are my preferred gender pronouns?”, I can answer without hesitation, ‘He/Him/His’. Â The exceptions are 1) very specific, intimate situations with lovers who are very aware of the times when calling me ‘girl/she/her/woman’ is welcome, 2) areas of my life where I am not out as genderqueer and 3) at home, where I am referred to as ‘Mommy/she/her’. Â If you’re someone who reads this blog, and you meet me in the flesh somewhere, I would appreciate you incorporating this information into the way you communicate with others about me. Â For at least one of you in particular, this may be interesting since you also interface with my family, so we can talk about that over beers.
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