Queerly beloved… we are gathered here today to witness the joining of this gender non-conforming transmasculine individual and this woman….
A long time friend and reader, Dru, posed this question to me in a Facebook chat:
What does one call their transmasculine partner? I dislike “wife”, “husband” confuses people and doesn’t feel exactly right, spouse seems generic as does mate. We joke I am a husbutch lol but I am curious what other folx say.
We pondered that for a moment, I responded:
so far ‘wife’ doesn’t cause a big negative reaction for meI like the queering of itsince I don’t look very wifelybeing called husband is both queer and not.. depending on whether I’m passing
Dru isn’t as fond of wife, but recognized the political impact for their Femme identified partner, saying you have a wife makes her much more identifiable as queer.
Dru:
I would be happy with 2 entirely new words…lol
She uses husbutch affectionately…but it seems to fall flat in front of most, leaving confused looks
With four additional states hopefully about to open themselves up to queer marriages, there are many more of us transmasculine types looking at the possibility of marrying someone in a queer way. Are we husbands, wives, partners, spouses, husbutches, or something else entirely? This is really a lot like the search for a good non-binary set of pronouns — wanting something recognizable and easy for others to adopt, but facing a dearth of options that feel right.
Dru and I want to know what you think. Are you transmasculine and/or non-binary and considering (or in a) marriage? What do you call your role in the relationship? Are you the partner of someone who is non-binary? What word do you, or would you like to, use?
I’ve been visualizing my wedding day, hopefully coming next September, and imagining being called a wife. Then imagining being called a husband. I would love to be called a husband, actually, but I don’t know if my going-to-be wife will agree. Being called a wife feels like a lovely opportunity to queer that word and the institution of marriage. But so does being called a husband. Hmm… I’m undecided.
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+10
I like husbutch. I have a dear friend that calls her sweetie “Wusband.”
I’ve used “this is my butch-ier half” as a play on “better half”
Right now my slave, when in vanilla company, calls me her fiance, which works since I use masculine pronouns as a preference. It has caused some confusion when people who she had talked to about me finally met me…chuckle…
I don’t like being called man and husband kinda squicks me…but so does wife…scratching head… Luckily, outside of her job, everyone, including our families and ‘nilla friends, know we have a master/slave relationship. Since I did not allow her to call me master until after I decided to grant her a permanent collar (2 1/2 years into our relationship), she always called me Sir and, when talking to others about me, would say things like “Sir said/did/wants/_____ fill in the blank with an action word”. Which she still does now except with our friends who are also in authority exchange relationships.
well… I am married, legally ‘n everything to a guy, I’ve been his wife for a long while and I’m still using that despite being on T and needing to shave almost as often as he does. I’m also still mummy to our little girl (as in, “ask your mummy, he’ll know”)
If I’m in a situation where I need to be stealth I just say partner.