I miss her

I miss her so fucking much. I don’t know when we’ll see each other next and it’s been months since the last time.  It fucking hurts like trying to breathe wood smoke.

I know I have a lot to be thankful for, I am the recipient of so many blessings and my life is really good… maybe you’re thinking I should be happy with what I have, and not obsess about what I don’t… and maybe you’re right, maybe I should just square my shoulders and suck it up.

Some days I’m really good at that, like I’m the King of Sucking-it-up Land.  Other days, like today, I don’t know how much longer I can hold it all in.  I can feel the sobs building up in my chest, pressing against my heart, bashing around like gigantic birds of prey, huge wings beating outward, claws sharpened and ready to tear their way out.

Maybe I should just let it happen, release the emotional binder and stop trying to hold it all back.  I imagine the beast birds finally allowed to do their destructive work, breaking my chest open, revealing all that I’ve hidden away and held back, my heart shredded like so much confetti at a macabre coming out party.  And even with that, even then, with my lungs laboring and my heart blown apart, what would the result be?  What would happen?  I know what would not happen,

I would not die.

No, I’d have to keep on living, keep on trudging forward, sucking it up, doing my best to hold my head high and breathe deep lungfuls of ‘what I have’ and try to find that place inside, a place not blasted away into a smoking ruin, that place where my gratefulness lives.  Where I keep the evidence of all the good things I should be thankful for, a place that right now, I’m having a hard time finding my way back to.

Right now, it just fucking hurts.  And I can’t rely on the beast birds to tear me into pieces and leave me to die, so this is what I will do instead, dig my fingers in and open myself up and let some of the pressure escape…

I love her

I miss her so much

it fucking hurts

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