A few nights ago, I was talking to Roxy and as usual, she helped me find clarity where there was previously just lusty mud. In my Surge post, I/we were expressing impatience with ourselves over not making progress toward our goal of finding hot sweaty fun sex with other guys. Well, to be clear, we’d found that there are willing guys out there (through a hook up site), however, those interactions didn’t really fit what we’re going for. So, what are we looking for, what are our needs, exactly?
And that’s where the talk with Roxy-the-awesomenator comes in. I’m a bi-gendered person with complex, and sometimes contradictory, erotic and emotional needs, and figuring out how to meet them for both is not an easy task sometimes. Roxy reminded me that even though Kyle might be fine with a hotel room blow-job or a back alley grunt-and-grind session with a relative stranger, Casey needs something more. Casey is our more practical side, but also the more romantic and the one thinking of the big picture. Casey is happiest when we’ve got a story of some kind, a backdrop and a theme for her choreography. So in order to move forward, both of us need to get something we want out of it. Let’s face it, when it comes to negotiating time away from family, and negotiating in general, we rely on Casey. In order to move forward on meeting our needs, we need to be in sync.
What the hell does it all mean? What kind of stories does Casey need in order to get on board with meeting Kyle’s surging urges? Part of it is knowing what our role is in a scene — who are we? What is our motivation? Maybe it sounds cutesy or contrived, but it’s effective as a way to gear up mentally and emotional for close encounters of the kinky and sexy kind.
So, what are those needs? Some kind of power dynamic is important whether we’re playing the top or the bottom. As a bottom, I enjoy being the boy to a powerful Top, the sex toy, the plaything and the prized possession. One of my favorite storylines is that I’m a warrior, strong and capable, submitting my will to my liege, willingly going through physical and mental trials to prove my worth. Roxy and I have also done age-play, incest-play and force-play with great success. (Roxy is amazing as a menacing, amoral Mean Bad Guy.)
As a Top, we’ve also done age and incest play, and some force. We’ve mixed up genders liberally. With Roxy I/we feel comfortable and safe to switch and swerve and blend all those aspects on the fly. As I look out of the safety zone we’ve created, and anticipate playing with others, I feel that having a set role and story will give me a better sense of security.
Ok, so more about stories.. what kind of stories do I want to play out as a “Top/Sir/Daddy” type of guy? I can see myself as an older brother, engaged in some sibling rivalry that turns into some brotherly love. That story allows for more equal footing between participants, pushing and challenging the way siblings do. Of course, the “Daddy” role is very compelling (and one I’ve played before). Not everyone is into incest-play but you can always do it from more of a “Leather Daddy/Mentor” perspective. I enjoy the idea of ruining the innocence of some sweet young boy/boi and helping him discover his inner faggot. And certainly, there are plenty of other age/power play scenarios I could do: Coach/player, Boss/underling, Menacing Thug/innocent passerby. The possible combinations are only limited by imagination.
My desires are not all about D/s and sex. The other side of this is that I have been around the planet for a while, seen a lot, done a lot. I feel comfortable mentoring, with or without the kink and sex aspect. I’d love to be able to engage someone on multiple levels, creating a friendship that could outlive the play relationship. I love finding people who want to talk about kink, relationships, power dynamics, etc. I geek out on it and I would like to find subs/Tops who are likewise into that kind of discussion. And you know how I get off on gender discussions. I realize that may be more than some people are looking for and I respect that, however, I’m describing what I would like to have happen knowing that by stating my intentions and clarifying my desires I can create a bit of magic that I hope will be picked up by the universe.
Flip the roll, in my search people to play with as a sub, I’d like something similar. Articulate, intelligent, thoughtful, empathetic — these qualities are as important to me in a Top as their skill with a flogger or bondage equipment. I haven’t had the experience of submitting to anyone I didn’t respect in terms of intelligence and character — I’ve had Roxy and you all know how I feel about my Sir. In finding Tops to play with, it’s important to me that I respect them. Their ability to meet or exceed me intellectually is just as important as their ability to take me physically. I can’t imagine subbing very successfully to someone I didn’t respect. It just would not happen.
Maybe all of this is a tall order but you don’t get what you want in life by not asking. And I don’t mind taking my time if that’s what it takes. I’d rather have a small number of high quality experiences than a large number of low quality ones (also a big reason I’m not still talking to the guys on adam4adam… they were certainly enthusiastic, but had a hard time understanding the whole guy in a chick’s body thing… couldn’t wrap their heads around using the correct vocabulary, for example, which was a complete boner-kill).
Actually, the adam4adam experience reminds me of another requirement. I want to be seen not just as masculine, but as essentially male. And if you’re holding up your hand to say “But you’re bi-gendered…”, yes, you’re right, I’m both, however, in meeting my D/s needs with someone other than Roxy, I am looking to be seen as male. Regardless the bits my body has, play partners need to be able to recognize them as male. The relationship I have with Roxy is wider and deeper and I have no need to replicate or replace it. Which brings me to another point.
I am already Collared and happily Owned by my Sir. That is a singular position, and I am not interested in acquiring another capital ‘S’ sir. If someone wants to be a friend, play partner, fellow explorer in kink, yes, certainly, and I will give them their props during the scene, but I have the only collar I want already and the person who bestowed it on me is central to my life and desires. I’m looking to augment, not replace, what I have with my Sir.
Well, even if you didn’t read all this, it was a good exercise for me. It helps to clearly articulate what I want, especially because I’m starting to have some very focused conversations about that very topic (thank you, FetLife, for providing a space for that). And thank you my kinky friends for your support and interest in having those conversations, you are irreplaceable resources. And, last but certainly not least, thank you Sir, for allowing me the freedom to explore and a safe place to come home to. You are the most crucial ingredient to my success and I’m excited about what our future holds.
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