A few nights ago, I was talking to Roxy and as usual, she helped me find clarity where there was previously just lusty mud. Â In my Surge post, I/we were expressing impatience with ourselves over not making progress toward our goal of finding hot sweaty fun sex with other guys. Â Well, to be clear, we’d found that there are willing guys out there (through a hook up site), however, those interactions didn’t really fit what we’re going for. Â So, what are we looking for, what are our needs, exactly?
And that’s where the talk with Roxy-the-awesomenator comes in. Â I’m a bi-gendered person with complex, and sometimes contradictory, erotic and emotional needs, and figuring out how to meet them for both is not an easy task sometimes. Â Roxy reminded me that even though Kyle might be fine with a hotel room blow-job or a back alley grunt-and-grind session with a relative stranger, Casey needs something more. Â Casey is our more practical side, but also the more romantic and the one thinking of the big picture. Â Casey is happiest when we’ve got a story of some kind, a backdrop and a theme for her choreography. Â So in order to move forward, both of us need to get something we want out of it. Â Let’s face it, when it comes to negotiating time away from family, and negotiating in general, we rely on Casey. Â In order to move forward on meeting our needs, we need to be in sync.
What the hell does it all mean? Â What kind of stories does Casey need in order to get on board with meeting Kyle’s surging urges? Part of it is knowing what our role is in a scene — who are we? Â What is our motivation? Maybe it sounds cutesy or contrived, but it’s effective as a way to gear up mentally and emotional for close encounters of the kinky and sexy kind.
So, what are those needs? Â Some kind of power dynamic is important whether we’re playing the top or the bottom. Â As a bottom, I enjoy being the boy to a powerful Top, the sex toy, the plaything and the prized possession. Â One of my favorite storylines is that I’m a warrior, strong and capable, submitting my will to my liege, willingly going through physical and mental trials to prove my worth. Â Roxy and I have also done age-play, incest-play and force-play with great success. Â (Roxy is amazing as a menacing, amoral Mean Bad Guy.)
As a Top, we’ve also done age and incest play, and some force. Â We’ve mixed up genders liberally. Â With Roxy I/we feel comfortable and safe to switch and swerve and blend all those aspects on the fly. Â As I look out of the safety zone we’ve created, and anticipate playing with others, I feel that having a set role and story will give me a better sense of security.
Ok, so more about stories.. what kind of stories do I want to play out as a “Top/Sir/Daddy” type of guy? Â I can see myself as an older brother, engaged in some sibling rivalry that turns into some brotherly love. Â That story allows for more equal footing between participants, pushing and challenging the way siblings do. Â Of course, the “Daddy” role is very compelling (and one I’ve played before). Â Not everyone is into incest-play but you can always do it from more of a “Leather Daddy/Mentor” perspective. Â I enjoy the idea of ruining the innocence of some sweet young boy/boi and helping him discover his inner faggot. Â And certainly, there are plenty of other age/power play scenarios I could do: Â Coach/player, Boss/underling, Menacing Thug/innocent passerby. Â The possible combinations are only limited by imagination.
My desires are not all about D/s and sex. Â The other side of this is that I have been around the planet for a while, seen a lot, done a lot. Â I feel comfortable mentoring, with or without the kink and sex aspect. Â I’d love to be able to engage someone on multiple levels, creating a friendship that could outlive the play relationship. Â I love finding people who want to talk about kink, relationships, power dynamics, etc. Â I geek out on it and I would like to find subs/Tops who are likewise into that kind of discussion. Â And you know how I get off on gender discussions. Â I realize that may be more than some people are looking for and I respect that, however, I’m describing what I would like to have happen knowing that by stating my intentions and clarifying my desires I can create a bit of magic that I hope will be picked up by the universe.
Flip the roll, in my search people to play with as a sub, I’d like something similar. Â Articulate, intelligent, thoughtful, empathetic — these qualities are as important to me in a Top as their skill with a flogger or bondage equipment. Â I haven’t had the experience of submitting to anyone I didn’t respect in terms of intelligence and character — I’ve had Roxy and you all know how I feel about my Sir. Â In finding Tops to play with, it’s important to me that I respect them. Â Their ability to meet or exceed me intellectuallyÂ is just as important as their ability to take me physically. Â I can’t imagine subbing very successfully to someone I didn’t respect. Â It just would not happen.
Maybe all of this is a tall order but you don’t get what you want in life by not asking. Â And I don’t mind taking my time if that’s what it takes. Â I’d rather have a small number of high quality experiences than a large number of low quality ones (also a big reason I’m not still talking to the guys on adam4adam… they were certainly enthusiastic, but had a hard time understanding the whole guy in a chick’s body thing… couldn’t wrap their heads around using the correct vocabulary, for example, which was a complete boner-kill).
Actually, the adam4adam experience reminds me of another requirement. Â I want to be seen not just as masculine, but as essentially male. Â And if you’re holding up your hand to say “But you’re bi-gendered…”, yes, you’re right, I’m both, however, in meeting my D/s needs with someone other than Roxy, I am looking to be seen as male. Â Regardless the bits my body has, play partners need to be able to recognize them as male. Â The relationship I have with Roxy is wider and deeper and I have no need to replicate or replace it. Â Which brings me to another point.
I am already Collared and happily Owned by my Sir. Â That is a singular position, and I am not interested in acquiring another capital ‘S’ sir. Â If someone wants to be a friend, play partner, fellow explorer in kink, yes, certainly, and I will give them their props during the scene, but I have the only collar I want already and the person who bestowed it on me is central to my life and desires. Â I’m looking to augment, not replace, what I have with my Sir.
Well, even if you didn’t read all this, it was a good exercise for me. Â It helps to clearly articulate what I want, especially because I’m starting to have some very focused conversations about that very topic (thank you, FetLife, for providing a space for that). Â And thank you my kinky friends for your support and interest in having those conversations, you are irreplaceable resources. Â And, last but certainly not least, thank you Sir, for allowing me the freedom to explore and a safe place to come home to. Â You are the most crucial ingredient to my success and I’m excited about what our future holds.
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