I’m usually a very organized person, planning things out, considering risks, contingencies, being careful even when I’m doing things that would be outside the norms for other people. Â Occasionally, however, I can be a bit impulsive. Â It’s as though something in me (or from outside me) has decided I need a bit of a push and I find myself agreeing to do things that are challenging, or downright scary. Â I love the adrenaline, the energy I get out of taking on a challenge that frightens me and succeeding. Â But it also makes me a bit crazy in anticipation.
Tonight, I’m engaging in one of those scary activities that I pushed myself into doing. Â I’ll be going to a dungeon play party solo. Â I’ve never been to a dungeon without Roxy, never done serious BDSM with anyone besides her. Â And yet, I’m going stag to a party where I’ve met one person in RL and a couple of others online (thank you to my very good friend, Hank, who’s introduced me to a couple of guys who will be there).
I woke up with a start this morning. Â Adrenaline hit as my brain realized what we were doing tonight. Â We’re going to a party hoping to be picked up for some play. Â What kind of play? Â I don’t know, but I have a small bag with lube and condoms and black nitrile gloves. Â Roxy, my wonderful Sir, sent them to me so I’d be prepared and have the best tools for the job.
I don’t know if I’ll do more than watch. Â I hope to meet people, maybe make some friends, maybe lay some ground work for future play. Â I don’t want to decorate the wall all night, that would be a failure for me. Â I would love to play, physically, maybe sexually, but that seems to much to hope for. Â I don’t have a designated wingman, I don’t know the ‘pick up play’ protocols, omg.. what have I done?
But I can’t back out now, right? Â I’ve told all of you. Â Roxy has sent me special gloves and tons of encouragement and extra special leering looks over webcam. Â A few people will be expecting me and if I back out now, I’ll feel like a fool. Â So we’re going tonight, for both of us, but mostly for Kyle who really, really wants to play with other boys.
Yeah, I do. Â I want to get hard and physical and play rough with other guys. Â I’ve wanted to for so long that I can hardly believe I might get the chance. Â I’m worried I want too much. Â And I’m nervous, not calm and cool and collected at all. Â Nervous and worried I’ll do the wrong thing, or not be what people want or… what the hell do I wear to attract guys? Â I know what to do for girls, but guys are like this whole other species in some ways. Â I’m not sure that it helps that I’m a guy, since I live inside a woman’s body… it’s kind of confusing and I don’t know how it’s gonna play out. Â Roxy told me I don’t have to say yes to the first offer, or any of them, if I don’t want to. Â But what if I’m too picky? Â What if I’m not choosy enough?
Oh god, is it too late to back out?
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