doing something scary tonight

I’m usually a very organized person, planning things out, considering risks, contingencies, being careful even when I’m doing things that would be outside the norms for other people.  Occasionally, however, I can be a bit impulsive.  It’s as though something in me (or from outside me) has decided I need a bit of a push and I find myself agreeing to do things that are challenging, or downright scary.  I love the adrenaline, the energy I get out of taking on a challenge that frightens me and succeeding.  But it also makes me a bit crazy in anticipation.

Tonight, I’m engaging in one of those scary activities that I pushed myself into doing.  I’ll be going to a dungeon play party solo.  I’ve never been to a dungeon without Roxy, never done serious BDSM with anyone besides her.  And yet, I’m going stag to a party where I’ve met one person in RL and a couple of others online (thank you to my very good friend, Hank, who’s introduced me to a couple of guys who will be there).

I woke up with a start this morning.  Adrenaline hit as my brain realized what we were doing tonight.  We’re going to a party hoping to be picked up for some play.  What kind of play?  I don’t know, but I have a small bag with lube and condoms and black nitrile gloves.  Roxy, my wonderful Sir, sent them to me so I’d be prepared and have the best tools for the job.

I don’t know if I’ll do more than watch.  I hope to meet people, maybe make some friends, maybe lay some ground work for future play.  I don’t want to decorate the wall all night, that would be a failure for me.  I would love to play, physically, maybe sexually, but that seems to much to hope for.  I don’t have a designated wingman, I don’t know the ‘pick up play’ protocols, omg.. what have I done?

But I can’t back out now, right?  I’ve told all of you.  Roxy has sent me special gloves and tons of encouragement and extra special leering looks over webcam.  A few people will be expecting me and if I back out now, I’ll feel like a fool.  So we’re going tonight, for both of us, but mostly for Kyle who really, really wants to play with other boys.

Yeah, I do.  I want to get hard and physical and play rough with other guys.  I’ve wanted to for so long that I can hardly believe I might get the chance.  I’m worried I want too much.  And I’m nervous, not calm and cool and collected at all.  Nervous and worried I’ll do the wrong thing, or not be what people want or… what the hell do I wear to attract guys?  I know what to do for girls, but guys are like this whole other species in some ways.  I’m not sure that it helps that I’m a guy, since I live inside a woman’s body… it’s kind of confusing and I don’t know how it’s gonna play out.  Roxy told me I don’t have to say yes to the first offer, or any of them, if I don’t want to.  But what if I’m too picky?  What if I’m not choosy enough?

Oh god, is it too late to back out?

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