a little low, OK, a lot low

I’m having a hard time today, Tuesdays seem to be the worst days of the week lately.  I went to a mandatory WorkSource orientation today and even though the staff was very kind and knowledgeable, and they have lots of resources for finding work, I left feeling more depressed than I had before.  Maybe it’s because today marks one full month of being out of work.  I thought for sure my leads would have panned out by now.  Maybe it’s just being in the system in such a real way, someone who couldn’t get a job on their own.

It’s summer, I should be loving all this time, I should be getting so much done.  Instead, today, my energy is bottoming out.  My sweetheart, Roxy, is going through a hell summer.  She can’t get away from parental responsibilities and her kids are not summering well.  There’s a lot on her mind, a lot stressing her out and taking away her health and sleep, and she’s still worried she’s not doing enough for me.  And I wish I could do more for her.  It’s been a challenging summer for us as a couple already, and I’m piling on more because I’m getting ready to go to my first Seattle play party, going stag, and I know that’s hard on her.  It’s weird and nerve wracking for me, but it’s something I need to do, to explore, to give myself permission for.  And every other moment I feel like a traitor for even considering playing with anyone else.

I get to see her next week, in the flesh.  She’s taking a road trip with her kids, so it won’t be the uninhibited visit we both need, but it’ll be a chance to hug and connect and talk.  And we’ll get a long evening together at the hotel room.  What we’re both truly looking forward to is our time during Butch Voices.  We really need time together, it’s been a hard summer.

I’d like to just curl up in a ball and hope for the best, but I’ve got to keep looking for a job, return phone calls, get my hopes up, get disappointed, try it all again.  And I want to submit a story for Salacious magazine number 3, and I need to work on my workshops for Butch Voices, and I’ve got a technical presentation to do in early September, and I’ve got a family to take care of and unexpected adolescent challenges and… well, shit, I just want to run away screaming.

I’m worried about so many things that I’ve got an acid bath in my stomach.  My moods swing a lot, yesterday I was upbeat and happy.  I don’t know what I’ll feel like tomorrow.

I’m trying to remember the good things and not explode with anger at the universe for trying so hard to break me, her, us.  It’s fucked up, because we work really hard for our families, for each other, for the people we care about.  I understand we’re both capable and strong, and all that, but I’d love a long sweet break from all this, instead of more tests to prove how much we can handle.  I feel like we’ve proven ourselves quite enough, thank you.

And honestly, I don’t want much for myself, so Universe, if you’re in the mood to give some good fortune, give all of mine to Roxy.

For those of you waiting for more blog posts on happier or sexier or more interesting topics, I’m sorry.  Today, I feel like I’m hanging on by my fingernails.

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