Beyond Bromance

This is a post from Kyle, the male half of the dual-gendered person whose blog you’re reading.  Most posts are presented by Casey, our female half.

In the past couple of years, I’ve come out as transgendered, as the subbie boy to Roxy’s Sir, as dual-gendered and probably other things I don’t remember right now.  In a post I wrote last August, we talked about Casey having a crush on me and how Roxy very accurately named what she was feeling:  “You have a crush on a transman”.

And that’s me, I’m the transman in this complex dance of identity. And now for my next confession, er, coming out …. (and here’s where Casey would write a lot of words and use a lot of terms and generally strangle the moment with her vocab)…

I’m a queer dude who wants to have sex with other queer and queer friendly dudes.

For the longest time, I’ve been attracted to guys: mostly queer identified guys, trans guys (I envy their beards so much), dark leathermen, hot masculine faggots and, sometimes, hetero guys.   And for the longest time, I’ve covered it up by saying I was into gay porn, because the community I came out in originally was the lesbian community.  It’s the lust that dare not speak its name amongst nice, civilized lesbian social groups.  It’s the kind of desire that can get you kicked out, in fact.  I remember feeling very nervous and shy and fearful when I first admitted my bisexuality to Roxy, with a lot of vagueness, and escape hatches in place.  She (as you have no doubt guessed) was wonderful and accepting.  She’s way ahead of me with regard to accepting my inner fag.  The inner fag who’s ready to stop being on the inside all the time.

A couple of days ago, I followed a twitter link to a story in Original Plumbing by a trans queer guy about a threesome he had with two cis-guys.  That story felt almost like an invasion of privacy, in that I can’t even count the number of times I’ve fantasized about a scenario like that.  And the clincher was that a person with a pussy could be treated like a guy in that scenario.  That is something I want very, very much.

Being a female bodied person, it hasn’t really occurred to me that I could come out as a gay or bisexual man anywhere but in my mind.  Back in the 90s, when transitioning was becaming more common, we were mostly Casey, the butch dyke, the socially acceptable identity that fit into the lesbian community.  Hell, back then (and before), being butch was looked down the nose by a lot of women in the queer community, and going from butch female to trans man was seen as a betrayal, an abandonment.

So yeah, I stayed in the background, dormant, I suppose, until recently.  That’s when Casey and I figured out who and what we were.  And we decided we were tired of following rules laid out by people who didn’t have to live our life, didn’t have to deal with having two identities.  So no more following the lesbian code, or any other code that doesn’t make sense to us.  In fact, over 25 years after coming out as a lesbian, we’re not even sure that identity fits us anymore.  Not to say we don’t still love pussy, because, yeah, we both do.  And, goddamn, we get to make love to Roxy so we’re never gonna give that up, no matter what fantasies we can act out in real life.

The bottom line is that we like to fuck, Casey and I.  We have an ‘all holes filled’ approach to sex.  Our body is made for sex, we come early and often, so if we’re attracted to someone or get turned on by some kink or fetish, is there any reason we shouldn’t allow ourselves the pleasure?  No, absolutely not.  We don’t believe there is any good reason beyond logistics and other practical considerations.  We’ve decided it’s time to step up and ask for the full range of what we are hungry for.

But what does that mean?  Where does a transgenderqueer in a small urban center go to find some casual fuckery with men and male-identified folks (and not get screwed over in the wrong way)? Part of what I need out of this is to be seen as male, fucked like a man, I want man-on-man interactions.  I’ve got no interest in a commitment, I have a full and happy relationship dance card already and don’t need anymore in that regard.  I want to have fun, get some male bonding and open the release valve on over 20 years of erotic build-up.  And I’m not sure where to start… there’s a dating site, pretty small so far, but very queer and I’ve joined to see what I can find close to home (not much so far).  There are events at the Seattle Center for Sex Positive Culture — Crowbar in particular — that cater to guys like me.  As for other opportunities, I’m open to suggestions.  Even though it’s just a need that we’ve been suppressing and cloaking and dancing around for over 20 years, I guess I should be patient.  At least for a little while.

We’re not in a hurry, most of the time.

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