it really hurts

We thought we were getting better at this.  Better at leaving each other and transitioning back into our day-to-day lives apart.  Usually we get a full day of basking in the glow of happiness and love before the shock of separation hits.

This time it hit both of us the next day, today.  Well, she was crying through goodbyes last night, I woke up with that painful, going-to-burst-open-and-never-stop-crying feeling this morning.  I took the last flight out of SFO so I could maximize our time together and got home really late, tired, ready to collapse.

I know that in the coming days, as I get more sleep and get back into the swing of life with my family, I’ll get that glow back, I’ll let the good memories rise to the top and push the harder stuff back down.  Right now, though, the sense of loss is excruciating.  My arm feels at a loss without her nestled against my shoulder.  My hand feels empty without hers to hold.  My heart aches with the sudden space that she fits into so well, because she was born to be there.  My mind aches with the understanding of how easy it would be to live with her, every day, from waking to final goodnight kiss.  I have two normal lives.  Two situations that I fit into perfectly, two places I should be.  My normal, ordinary, wonderful life with her is lived in installments.  Every day she’s in my life, every waking moment she’s right there in my consciousness.  Right now I’m feeling the separation; the aching, painful, sadness that I can’t be with her, can’t hold her when she’s sad, can’t encourage her with a hug and a kiss when the universe deals yet another unfair blow.  Right now, I need her too, I need her to hold onto me while tears of anger and frustration and sadness wrack my body.

I have a beautiful, full, amazing life with two women I love and cherish and wouldn’t want to live without.  There are no easy solutions.  I want them both, want to have a full life with Roxy and with my wife and family.  Right now I’m really angry at the universe, but at the same time thankful.  I’m angry that two people so deeply in love would have to experience their life together at such a distance.  I’m thankful that I have the chance to love her and be blessed by the gift of her love every day.  We’re good people, responsible people, and there are apparent solutions we won’t explore because they would hurt the people we love too much.  We accept the burden of pain in exchange for the great joys we experience together.  Despite our lack of physical proximity, we are together all the time and what we have is too wonderful and amazing and miraculous to give up on.

So we hurt and we cry and we rage at the universe and suffer separation so that we can continue to be together.  She asked me what I would do if I had a chance to go back to our beginning, would I choose this path knowing how hard it would be?  I was quick to say yes, not just to reassure her, but because that is the only answer I believe.  Having the opportunity to know her love, to be inspired by her, be supported and encouraged by her is not something I could turn my back on.

Thank you, my love, for being safe and open and for letting me bawl my eyes out on the phone with you this morning.  I know from experience how hard it is to have to listen and not be able to hold me and love me directly, but I needed to cry, needed to unload and you were there for me.  Thank you for bearing witness to my emotions, I think I’m actually getting better at letting myself cry and I have you to thank for that.  You don’t ever make me feel weak or less than or like I’m imposing on you with my emotions.

I love you, my darling, happy Valentines Day.. even though we’re both feeling sad, we both have so much to be happy about.  I’m glad we met, I’m glad we fell in love and I wouldn’t ever say no to having a relationship with you.

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