My adventure in subbing continues

In about 3 weeks, I’m going to get double-Topped at Folsom.  Double-teamed by my beloved, evil-genius Sir (Roxy) while losing my man-to-man submission cherry to Saynine, a physically imposing and no-less evil genius of D/s.

I hinted at it in a post last week and wrote about it in my Microfantasy Monday story today and now it’s been leaked on twitter:  Roxy and I have invited Saynine to do a scene with us at Folsom on Saturday night during the “This Shit Will Fuck U Up 5” party, at the SF Citadel.

It’s possible I’m insane.  It’s definite that I’ll have an unforgettable experience.

The three of us have been in discussions for a while now about what we want out of the scene, limits, ground rules, etc.

Attending Folsom, subbing to Roxy and Saynine, being walked around the Fair on a leash behind my gorgeous Sir — all of this is a huge milestone for someone who never saw being submissive as one of my life goals.  For most of my life, playing a submissive role was something to be tolerated for a brief period in the course of having sex with someone.  And even then, it was limited to some very light bondage and impact play.

I had never seriously considered true submission before Roxy came into my life.  Even as we began doing D/s scenes, my attitude was cynical, skeptical.  I played at being submissive at first, put it on like an ill-fitting costume. Laughed it off, especially if it started to feel good.  I wasn’t truly submissive, but I could play the part if I decided to.

That’s what I told myself.

Between then and now, I’ve learned a lot about myself and a lot about what D/s is and isn’t, at least with regard to me.  I sub, but I’m not weak.  I sub, but I’m not inferior.  I submit to find out more about who I am, about my fears and motivations, not to hide from them.  When I serve Roxy, I serve her with strength, honor and sacrifice.  She helps me find and explore my fears, she tests my limits because she knows that’s what I need and want.  I submit because I want to be tested, I want to perform at my peak and I want to be found worthy.

D/s is made even more complex because of my genderqueer composition.  Casey subs differently than Kyle.  Casey finds it easier to slip into subspace, enjoys serving and being a slut for Roxy.  Kyle wants to serve, but is more defiant and can’t give in without pushing back, a lot.  He sees his service as something that must be earned.  In any case, as stated in a previous post:

She is the Dom of my Dreams, the one I didn’t think existed, the one I never believed I’d find.  I didn’t even believe I could ask for this kind of fortune, and, really, I didn’t know how.  But we found each other, and together, we’re creating something amazing.

In the process of exploring D/s through my identities, I’ve opened up to Roxy about my deepest, darkest fantasies, my best kept secrets, the taboos I revel in but keep to myself.  One of the areas we’ve explored together is Kyle’s faggot fantasies.  We’ve played out a lot of scenes involving Kyle and male-on-male interactions of various kinds:  Bad Daddy, Bad Uncle, Bad Stranger.  She’s also used the specter of Bad Stranger as a third in our cyber scenes.  She’s tormented me with visions of being bound and blindfolded while she invites a ‘friend’ to enjoy my services.  She’s tormented me (deliciously) when I’ve expressed crushes on men. All of this has built up to the point where she asked me if I would like to scene with a certain Bay Area Dom during Folsom weekend.  I tell you what, I might not have actually paused for years considering the pros and cons of that idea, but it sure felt like it.

You may be wondering, why Saynine?  My answer is, are you kidding?  But, OK, that’s a legitimate question, so here’s the answer:  He’s big,  strong and intelligent, he’s cruel and controlled.  He’s also extremely respectful, open minded and thinks a lot about both the psychological and physical aspects of D/s, and I’ve enjoyed his discussions and writings on the subject.   And, last but not least, he’s the kind of big, bad, scary man who dominates my darkest back alley, truck-stop, skanky restroom fantasies.

This is something I wrote to help Saynine understand what I was looking for in our scene:

I’ve had sex with a couple of guys in my life, not great experiences, they happened in my early 20s and weren’t super impressive.  Those were experiences my female self had, and over the years, I’ve decided that maybe they weren’t truly representative of what could happen I were more mindful and involved.

But in terms of our Folsom play, we’re not talking about my female self, we’re talking about Kyle and he has a different attitude about sex with men.  I can tell you what the draw is for him and it will be multi-fold and as complete as I can articulate at this moment in time.  He’s always been drawn to strong, capable men. We both love faggot porn, but for him it’s almost a religious experience.  His favorite scenes involve very muscular, strong, stoic men.. loves to see these very strong, masculine guys open themselves up to pleasure.  Some scenes that resonate (and I’ve mentioned them) are the scenes where a new member is being brought into a fraternal group.  The new member is tested for fitness by the membership.  He’s being challenged, he won’t be allowed into the circle unless he meets the membership criteria, go here for more info about the exact requirements.  Sometimes the initiation is simply the new member being made available for use by the others.  Other times it involves more physical challenges, pushing him through humiliating situations, tests of endurance and strength, ending with being of service to his fellows in any way they see fit.

The idea of being tested and found worthy is what turns Kyle on.  He will endure humiliation, pain, physical challenges, all with the goal of being welcomed in as an equal and valued member of the group.  Having not been socialized as a male and not being seen by the outside world as a male, this idea has taken on an almost mythical significance.  To be tested and found worthy of acceptance by other males is something Kyle craves deeply.

 

What else attracts me about being the ‘little s’ part of a D/s dynamic?  You may wonder why I wouldn’t strive to be a Dom given that I want to show control and strength and power.  Well, what I’ve learned in the past two years is that, even though it may appear that the Top is completely in control and gets to make all the decisions, as Corey Alexander put it in his Faggot Play Workshop hand-out (thanks to Roxy for bringing this back from Butch Voices 2009):

The bottom sketches the landscape for the top, the top drives through it.

This is the something I didn’t understand until I’d really started to dig into the D/s relationship Roxy and I were creating.  As my Sir, she puts a lot of energy into understanding what motivates me, what I fear, my triggers, limits and cravings.  She puts in a lot of time creating scenarios for us to explore.  I know she enjoys it a lot, but it’s also a lot of work.  Not only that, I love attention.  When I’m subbing, I have the top’s full attention.  Imagine how happy my attention whore’s gonna be to have the full attention of two tops, plus an audience?

A lot of complex interesting stuff has come up for me internally and for Sir and I as a D/s couple in the course of talking about and planning for our scene with Saynine.  I am very loyal and devoted to Roxy as my true Sir.  No one will ever take her place, no one could.  She is as perfectly tuned to me as anyone could possibly be.  That said, I’m pretty darned excited about the challenge of submitting to a man, and to Saynine specifically.  It’s going to be a new and different experience, and I’m grateful to Roxy for making it happen. And that’s really an important detail.  Roxy is my Sir.  She is creating this experience for me, She is helping me explore some of my deepest desires and trickiest fears.  She’s the boss of me, in the end, it’s all about Her and I and the experience we’ve created together.  I know She’ll have mixed feelings seeing me submit to someone else, just as I’ll feel conflicts in submitting to someone else.

What buoys me and keeps me safe in my head is knowing She’ll be with me through the whole experience.  Not that I don’t trust Saynine, but She knows me, knows my triggers, knows my tells.  She’ll know when I need a nudge, a stroke or a slap.  My performance will be for Her.  I’m determined to make her proud, to show all in attendance that my Sir chose well that She chose a strong, smart, spirited boy.

 

This the part of the essay where you’re supposed to write your conclusion.  The thing is, I don’t have a conclusion yet.  I know more now about submission than I did 2 years ago and I’m sure to know more in the years to come.  This is definitely a case of  the journey being much more important than the destination, especially when I can’t really visualize a destination.  It amuses me to remember how I used to react negatively to seeing a D/s couple, one of them on a leash, or how I’d shudder at the idea of living as a full-time slave to someone else.  I only ever saw inequality, subservience and weakness.  Fast forward to now, with me looking forward to spending a weekend in public as the collared property of Roxy.  I know now that being in a D/s relationship with Her is one of the most fulfilling things that’s ever happened to me.  This relationship is a rich source of love, encouragement and strength.  I’m learning more and more about who I am and what makes me tick.   And, so far, I haven’t run out of new things to explore.

All that is to say, this isn’t the last post you’ll get from me on the subject.  And I’m certainly going to have a lot to say after the scene with Saynine, not to mention the things Roxy and I have planned for the Eclipse party on Sunday.  There’s so much to anticipate, my nervous/excited belly can hardly handle it.

But I will.  And then I’ll write about it.

 

I want to hear from you about this post and about your views and experiences with D/s and anything else that catches your attention.  Don’t be shy, let me know what you think and feel.

 

 

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