My adventure in subbing continues

In about 3 weeks, I’m going to get double-Topped at Folsom.  Double-teamed by my beloved, evil-genius Sir (Roxy) while losing my man-to-man submission cherry to Saynine, a physically imposing and no-less evil genius of D/s.

I hinted at it in a post last week and wrote about it in my Microfantasy Monday story today and now it’s been leaked on twitter:  Roxy and I have invited Saynine to do a scene with us at Folsom on Saturday night during the “This Shit Will Fuck U Up 5” party, at the SF Citadel.

It’s possible I’m insane.  It’s definite that I’ll have an unforgettable experience.

The three of us have been in discussions for a while now about what we want out of the scene, limits, ground rules, etc.

Attending Folsom, subbing to Roxy and Saynine, being walked around the Fair on a leash behind my gorgeous Sir — all of this is a huge milestone for someone who never saw being submissive as one of my life goals.  For most of my life, playing a submissive role was something to be tolerated for a brief period in the course of having sex with someone.  And even then, it was limited to some very light bondage and impact play.

I had never seriously considered true submission before Roxy came into my life.  Even as we began doing D/s scenes, my attitude was cynical, skeptical.  I played at being submissive at first, put it on like an ill-fitting costume. Laughed it off, especially if it started to feel good.  I wasn’t truly submissive, but I could play the part if I decided to.

That’s what I told myself.

Between then and now, I’ve learned a lot about myself and a lot about what D/s is and isn’t, at least with regard to me.  I sub, but I’m not weak.  I sub, but I’m not inferior.  I submit to find out more about who I am, about my fears and motivations, not to hide from them.  When I serve Roxy, I serve her with strength, honor and sacrifice.  She helps me find and explore my fears, she tests my limits because she knows that’s what I need and want.  I submit because I want to be tested, I want to perform at my peak and I want to be found worthy.

D/s is made even more complex because of my genderqueer composition.  Casey subs differently than Kyle.  Casey finds it easier to slip into subspace, enjoys serving and being a slut for Roxy.  Kyle wants to serve, but is more defiant and can’t give in without pushing back, a lot.  He sees his service as something that must be earned.  In any case, as stated in a previous post:

She is the Dom of my Dreams, the one I didn’t think existed, the one I never believed I’d find.  I didn’t even believe I could ask for this kind of fortune, and, really, I didn’t know how.  But we found each other, and together, we’re creating something amazing.

In the process of exploring D/s through my identities, I’ve opened up to Roxy about my deepest, darkest fantasies, my best kept secrets, the taboos I revel in but keep to myself.  One of the areas we’ve explored together is Kyle’s faggot fantasies.  We’ve played out a lot of scenes involving Kyle and male-on-male interactions of various kinds:  Bad Daddy, Bad Uncle, Bad Stranger.  She’s also used the specter of Bad Stranger as a third in our cyber scenes.  She’s tormented me with visions of being bound and blindfolded while she invites a ‘friend’ to enjoy my services.  She’s tormented me (deliciously) when I’ve expressed crushes on men. All of this has built up to the point where she asked me if I would like to scene with a certain Bay Area Dom during Folsom weekend.  I tell you what, I might not have actually paused for years considering the pros and cons of that idea, but it sure felt like it.

You may be wondering, why Saynine?  My answer is, are you kidding?  But, OK, that’s a legitimate question, so here’s the answer:  He’s big,  strong and intelligent, he’s cruel and controlled.  He’s also extremely respectful, open minded and thinks a lot about both the psychological and physical aspects of D/s, and I’ve enjoyed his discussions and writings on the subject.   And, last but not least, he’s the kind of big, bad, scary man who dominates my darkest back alley, truck-stop, skanky restroom fantasies.

This is something I wrote to help Saynine understand what I was looking for in our scene:

I’ve had sex with a couple of guys in my life, not great experiences, they happened in my early 20s and weren’t super impressive.  Those were experiences my female self had, and over the years, I’ve decided that maybe they weren’t truly representative of what could happen I were more mindful and involved.

But in terms of our Folsom play, we’re not talking about my female self, we’re talking about Kyle and he has a different attitude about sex with men.  I can tell you what the draw is for him and it will be multi-fold and as complete as I can articulate at this moment in time.  He’s always been drawn to strong, capable men. We both love faggot porn, but for him it’s almost a religious experience.  His favorite scenes involve very muscular, strong, stoic men.. loves to see these very strong, masculine guys open themselves up to pleasure.  Some scenes that resonate (and I’ve mentioned them) are the scenes where a new member is being brought into a fraternal group.  The new member is tested for fitness by the membership.  He’s being challenged, he won’t be allowed into the circle unless he meets the membership criteria, go here for more info about the exact requirements.  Sometimes the initiation is simply the new member being made available for use by the others.  Other times it involves more physical challenges, pushing him through humiliating situations, tests of endurance and strength, ending with being of service to his fellows in any way they see fit.

The idea of being tested and found worthy is what turns Kyle on.  He will endure humiliation, pain, physical challenges, all with the goal of being welcomed in as an equal and valued member of the group.  Having not been socialized as a male and not being seen by the outside world as a male, this idea has taken on an almost mythical significance.  To be tested and found worthy of acceptance by other males is something Kyle craves deeply.

 

What else attracts me about being the ‘little s’ part of a D/s dynamic?  You may wonder why I wouldn’t strive to be a Dom given that I want to show control and strength and power.  Well, what I’ve learned in the past two years is that, even though it may appear that the Top is completely in control and gets to make all the decisions, as Corey Alexander put it in his Faggot Play Workshop hand-out (thanks to Roxy for bringing this back from Butch Voices 2009):

The bottom sketches the landscape for the top, the top drives through it.

This is the something I didn’t understand until I’d really started to dig into the D/s relationship Roxy and I were creating.  As my Sir, she puts a lot of energy into understanding what motivates me, what I fear, my triggers, limits and cravings.  She puts in a lot of time creating scenarios for us to explore.  I know she enjoys it a lot, but it’s also a lot of work.  Not only that, I love attention.  When I’m subbing, I have the top’s full attention.  Imagine how happy my attention whore’s gonna be to have the full attention of two tops, plus an audience?

A lot of complex interesting stuff has come up for me internally and for Sir and I as a D/s couple in the course of talking about and planning for our scene with Saynine.  I am very loyal and devoted to Roxy as my true Sir.  No one will ever take her place, no one could.  She is as perfectly tuned to me as anyone could possibly be.  That said, I’m pretty darned excited about the challenge of submitting to a man, and to Saynine specifically.  It’s going to be a new and different experience, and I’m grateful to Roxy for making it happen. And that’s really an important detail.  Roxy is my Sir.  She is creating this experience for me, She is helping me explore some of my deepest desires and trickiest fears.  She’s the boss of me, in the end, it’s all about Her and I and the experience we’ve created together.  I know She’ll have mixed feelings seeing me submit to someone else, just as I’ll feel conflicts in submitting to someone else.

What buoys me and keeps me safe in my head is knowing She’ll be with me through the whole experience.  Not that I don’t trust Saynine, but She knows me, knows my triggers, knows my tells.  She’ll know when I need a nudge, a stroke or a slap.  My performance will be for Her.  I’m determined to make her proud, to show all in attendance that my Sir chose well that She chose a strong, smart, spirited boy.

 

This the part of the essay where you’re supposed to write your conclusion.  The thing is, I don’t have a conclusion yet.  I know more now about submission than I did 2 years ago and I’m sure to know more in the years to come.  This is definitely a case of  the journey being much more important than the destination, especially when I can’t really visualize a destination.  It amuses me to remember how I used to react negatively to seeing a D/s couple, one of them on a leash, or how I’d shudder at the idea of living as a full-time slave to someone else.  I only ever saw inequality, subservience and weakness.  Fast forward to now, with me looking forward to spending a weekend in public as the collared property of Roxy.  I know now that being in a D/s relationship with Her is one of the most fulfilling things that’s ever happened to me.  This relationship is a rich source of love, encouragement and strength.  I’m learning more and more about who I am and what makes me tick.   And, so far, I haven’t run out of new things to explore.

All that is to say, this isn’t the last post you’ll get from me on the subject.  And I’m certainly going to have a lot to say after the scene with Saynine, not to mention the things Roxy and I have planned for the Eclipse party on Sunday.  There’s so much to anticipate, my nervous/excited belly can hardly handle it.

But I will.  And then I’ll write about it.

 

I want to hear from you about this post and about your views and experiences with D/s and anything else that catches your attention.  Don’t be shy, let me know what you think and feel.

 

 

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6 Responses to My adventure in subbing continues

  1. Roxy says:

    It’s been a remarkable couple of years. Honestly, when I met you I was involved in two D/s relationships, and subbing in both. I didn’t see any reason to introduce D/s into this relationship, too – I was very happy with our sexy/romantic interactions as they were.

    But it kept creeping in, little bits of conversation on D/s, little tweaks in stories that pushed you further out of your comfort zones and thrilled you. I didn’t come into this relationship with any expectation of topping or subbing, but slowly you helped me find my Top, and, in the process, you found your sub.

    I’m really thrilled to have found a Dom who can give Kyle what he’s been craving. Saynine is a sexy, masterful Top who plays from the head and the heart – he has the skill to do it right and the empathy to do it well. I’m not foolish enough to think it’ll be easy watching another Dom top you, but I know in my head and heart that he’s the right choice, and I’m excited to be giving you what you’ve been craving.

    I am so happy to have been witness to so many of your discoveries, and to have had such incredible hot, sexy, perverted, fun times with you. You’re a prize, my love, and I’m lucky to have you.

    I love you, My boy, My girl, my love, my partner, my friend, my playmate. 🙂

    Sir, i’ve said it before but it deserves repeating: You are the perfect person to be my Sir, my guide, my mentor, my evil genius on this journey of constant discovery. I am grateful to you for allowing me to have this experience with Saynine. I know you two are conspiring against me and I am thrilled to have you leading the effort to debase, shock, thrill, scare, use, torment and fulfill me.

    i love You, Sir

  2. This sounds like so much fun! I am a little envious. Will there be ginger? 😉

    If you’re asking what I think you’re asking, I can tell you, ginger is not anywhere on my limits list, and so now I’m a little afeared.. thanks so much for that 😉

  3. Saynine says:

    As I may have mentioned to you both a few dozen times, I could not be more honored than to be asked and trusted to explore this area of D/s with you.

    It will be a time to be long remembered.

    Yes, sir, it is a given that our scene won’t be easily forgotten.. by the three of us or anyone who watches. And thank you for accepting our invitation, I can’t think of a better guy to be the big bad mean guy who pops my male-to-male submission cherry.

  4. Vieux says:

    Holy freaking wow. This was absolutely powerful and amazing. It’s beautiful to watch one journey into the beautiful world of submission. You’re flourishing right before our eyes and, quite frankly, I feel privileged to get to watch!

    You’re a beautiful person, as is Roxy and Saynine. It’s wonderful to find happiness in things which we think we won’t find happiness in.

    Good luck on your journey, darling!

    Thank you. It is a remarkable journey to be on, with amazing people contributing. Roxy is an awesome guide and mentor, and a deliciously beautiful evil genius to submit to. Saynine is the perfect person to participate in a consensual, but forceful scene. Between the two of them, I have no doubt some of my darkest fantasies will be served up and smashed out of the ballpark.

  5. Y says:

    Have I mentioned how much I look up to you?

    I’ve been really interested in watching your relationship with Roxy develop, especially as I’m testing the waters of non-monogamy myself and really enjoying it. Just before (as in /hours/) before you posted “It Ain’t Easy”, I was going to see if I could email you about advice in keeping your relationships healthy, wondering how you keep doing it with such apparent ease. I’ve so far only had wonderful experiences, and wanted to head any problems off at the pass. But then you posted that and, really, it answered my questions. It’s about work. And effort, and listening, and really being open and honest, and working on yourself to change things that make your relationship harder to maintain. Best answer you ever could have given, really, and you didn’t even know it.

    And now this whole D/s thing. It’s like you’re reading my frigging mind. Because that sort of play scares me a hell of a lot more than anything else. It’s great being able to hear from people in a relationship that has gotten to the level you’re working on now, and to know that I’m not a freak or a wierdo for wanting some of the things that I do.
    And Roxy’s comment–that you can “find” your top or bottom, is just so reassuring.

    Keep on keeping on, you crazy kids!

    Yondergen,

    You made me blush, was that your intent? I’m not sure that I’m much of a role model, though I guess you can learn from watching someone try and make mistakes and try again. I think it’s very cool that we were in sync like that, with me providing something you were wanting, before you asked for it. I’ve been in a couple of long term relationships, my wife have now been together 17 years and people always ask, how do you do it? Well, we work at it. You can take a stable relationship for granted occasionally, it’s kind of necessary to be able to rely on it being there so you can do other stuff. However, if you neglect it for too long, it starts to go sideways. What I try to do, every day, is think about how I can make my wife’s or Roxy’s life better that day. What can I do or say that will communicate my love and respect and gratitude? And, because I’m human, I can’t always meet that standard every day, but it is my intent. In addition to making their lives better, listening and being open are key. When you are listening, you are not waiting for your opportunity to dominate the conversation. You are not skimming the surface and looking for ways to shoot down what the other person is saying. Truly listening means setting aside your self-interest in order to really hear, with as little prejudice and judgment as possible, what the other person is communicating. The second half is to allow for the possibility that you will need to make some concessions and changes. Stubbornly clinging to our own positions is not a behavior conducive to cooperative problem solving (works well in professional situations as well as personal ones).

    Roxy’s absolutely right about finding your level: top, bottom, middle. My sub was waiting to be found and given attention, my top is a work in progress. I have no doubt that I will keep developing and refining these areas until I stop breathing.

    Y, you are not a freak for wanting to feel good in your skin, your head and your heart. The real game of life is finding ways to be our authentic selves and be happy.

  6. pixie says:

    This is going to be such a beautiful, strong, amazing scene … for all that you have “realized” about it before hand, I can’t wait to hear whats “realized” after!!

    I love how you have discovered that being submissive, doesnt make you weak …

    I love how you allow yourself to recognize your desires … and allow yourself to experience them ..

    I love how you found your trust in Roxy and how she has stirred your desire to continue exploring what this all is and can mean for you …

    I love how you open up and share all this with us ( I say that a lot to you but I mean it!) …

    and the voyeour in me LOVES that i am going to get to watch and experience this scene lol

    YAY FOLSOM!

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