crushing

Roxy often makes observations that throw me for a loop.  She’s incredibly insightful and observant and has a way of putting things into words that is crystallizing.  The other day we were talking about some pictures, specifically, ones I’m considering for my Butch Voices presenter profile.  I told her that I liked one because it portrayed a thoughtful Casey and I thought that was a good image for a presenter to have.  The other picture I also like a lot and in fact, as I told her, I kind of have a crush on it.

I felt a bit odd saying that, as if I were confessing something kind of dirty, “That’s weird, isn’t it?  To have a crush on my own self?”

Her response stopped me in my tracks because it was so insightful and interesting.

“You’ve got a crush on a transman.”

Whoa.. is that possible?  Not that I’d have a crush on a transman, because that’s totally possible but rather that the one I have a crush on is a part of me?

I’ve been mulling and crabbing over that idea for a couple of days now.  First, can I claim the label ‘transman’?  I’ve already told you all about my two selves:  butch dyke and transgender man.  I am not, in aggregate, going to transition physically, there’s plenty of me that relates favorably to this female body.  However, if I were only Kyle and not also Casey?  I think there are very good odds that Kyle, if he were alone in this body, would seriously consider transitioning.  So a fair argument could be made that I am, at least partly, a transman.

Transgender people often speak of gender dysphoria and I experience that from both sides.  There are days when I see a woman’s face and body in the mirror and I can’t relate what I’m seeing to who I am.  Other days I see a man’s face above my polo shirt and can’t figure out how it got there.   I can sit in either of my selves and look at the other, sometimes very clearly, and see an almost complete stranger.  Who is that and how is it that I walk around looking like that all the time?  When did the randy boy I’ve nurtured and sheltered for so long become this man I see walking around being an adult and parenting impressionable young people?  Will I always go through periods when I feel so disconnected to so much of myself?

It’s not all bad, not all of the disconnect is uncomfortable or confusing.  Most of the time, I have dual membership in my own mutual admiration society.  I can see Casey as a strong, sexy, nurturing, capable woman who deals with life’s challenges with grace, most of the time.  Casey views Kyle as a sometimes impulsive guy who’s growing into himself, becoming more mature and responsible, while never quite outgrowing the cocky, horny boy.  And I wouldn’t want him too.

So does Casey have a crush on Kyle?  Does she sometimes admire him and the way he’s working embrace his manhood, his kinks, his faggot fantasies?  Kyle is sexy, confident, has that devilish wink and a swagger that won’t stop.  Yes, sometimes I look at pictures of myself, of Kyle, and am stunned.  That’s him, that’s me, that’s us.  It’s not a figment of my imagination, I am this composite of man/woman.

So, yeah, I’ve got crush on a transman, and he’s me.

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3 Responses to crushing

  1. Roxy says:

    I believe my response, when you asked me if it was weird, was that I have a crush on each of your different selves, and so it made sense that you would, too. But beyond that easy remark, I do feel a bit of guilt, because I love the people you are who make up the person you are, and it’s an odd thing knowing I love parts of you that you aren’t wholly comfortable with. I know how fortunate I am to love a woman who enjoys having her female body loved, and also a man who enjoys having his male body worshiped, and I also know that exactly what I adore about your incredible fusion causes you dysphoria.

    In the short time I’ve loved you, I’ve seen you grow into both halves of yourself, embracing what is the best of both worlds but feels, sometimes, like just not fitting in anywhere. I’m excited about the future, and in awe of the strength you’ve found to be so open about yourself.

    I’ve got an enormous love/crush on a transman. And he happens to share space with a woman I’m deeply in love with, too. Thank you for sharing yourselves with me, lover, and thank you for loving who you are. 🙂

    Thank you, you are an excellent friend and a great love. I appreciate that you don’t run screaming when these things pop out, honestly, you react much more positively than I do sometimes. Your support and encouragement is a great gift. Thank you.

  2. Ana says:

    I don’t really have anything much to say here, except thanks for writing this, and for thinking about dysphoria in new and exciting ways.

    Be well, my friend.

    Ana, it means a lot to me that you find my sometimes confused ramblings exciting. I admire you a great deal and welcome your insights, advice and camaraderie.

    And, really? I’ve found a new and exciting way to think about dysphoria? Would you mind elaborating?

  3. Faggot Boi says:

    Amazing!!! I’m not dual gendered but transitioning, but it’s as if there’s a female version of me that I was once comfortable with but am no longer. Transitioning is about the male version of me overtaking the female version and becoming far more powerful and interesting than she. It is about letter her die off and him flourish. It is a strange thing and not at all bad, but I am happy that you can keep yours in balance.

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