Roxy often makes observations that throw me for a loop. She’s incredibly insightful and observant and has a way of putting things into words that is crystallizing. The other day we were talking about some pictures, specifically, ones I’m considering for my Butch Voices presenter profile. I told her that I liked one because it portrayed a thoughtful Casey and I thought that was a good image for a presenter to have. The other picture I also like a lot and in fact, as I told her, I kind of have a crush on it.
I felt a bit odd saying that, as if I were confessing something kind of dirty, “That’s weird, isn’t it? To have a crush on my own self?”
Her response stopped me in my tracks because it was so insightful and interesting.
“You’ve got a crush on a transman.”
Whoa.. is that possible? Not that I’d have a crush on a transman, because that’s totally possible but rather that the one I have a crush on is a part of me?
I’ve been mulling and crabbing over that idea for a couple of days now. First, can I claim the label ‘transman’? I’ve already told you all about my two selves: butch dyke and transgender man. I am not, in aggregate, going to transition physically, there’s plenty of me that relates favorably to this female body. However, if I were only Kyle and not also Casey? I think there are very good odds that Kyle, if he were alone in this body, would seriously consider transitioning. So a fair argument could be made that I am, at least partly, a transman.
Transgender people often speak of gender dysphoria and I experience that from both sides. There are days when I see a woman’s face and body in the mirror and I can’t relate what I’m seeing to who I am. Other days I see a man’s face above my polo shirt and can’t figure out how it got there. I can sit in either of my selves and look at the other, sometimes very clearly, and see an almost complete stranger. Who is that and how is it that I walk around looking like that all the time? When did the randy boy I’ve nurtured and sheltered for so long become this man I see walking around being an adult and parenting impressionable young people? Will I always go through periods when I feel so disconnected to so much of myself?
It’s not all bad, not all of the disconnect is uncomfortable or confusing. Most of the time, I have dual membership in my own mutual admiration society. I can see Casey as a strong, sexy, nurturing, capable woman who deals with life’s challenges with grace, most of the time. Casey views Kyle as a sometimes impulsive guy who’s growing into himself, becoming more mature and responsible, while never quite outgrowing the cocky, horny boy. And I wouldn’t want him too.
So does Casey have a crush on Kyle? Does she sometimes admire him and the way he’s working embrace his manhood, his kinks, his faggot fantasies? Kyle is sexy, confident, has that devilish wink and a swagger that won’t stop. Yes, sometimes I look at pictures of myself, of Kyle, and am stunned. That’s him, that’s me, that’s us. It’s not a figment of my imagination, I am this composite of man/woman.
So, yeah, I’ve got crush on a transman, and he’s me.
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