crushing

Roxy often makes observations that throw me for a loop.  She’s incredibly insightful and observant and has a way of putting things into words that is crystallizing.  The other day we were talking about some pictures, specifically, ones I’m considering for my Butch Voices presenter profile.  I told her that I liked one because it portrayed a thoughtful Casey and I thought that was a good image for a presenter to have.  The other picture I also like a lot and in fact, as I told her, I kind of have a crush on it.

I felt a bit odd saying that, as if I were confessing something kind of dirty, “That’s weird, isn’t it?  To have a crush on my own self?”

Her response stopped me in my tracks because it was so insightful and interesting.

“You’ve got a crush on a transman.”

Whoa.. is that possible?  Not that I’d have a crush on a transman, because that’s totally possible but rather that the one I have a crush on is a part of me?

I’ve been mulling and crabbing over that idea for a couple of days now.  First, can I claim the label ‘transman’?  I’ve already told you all about my two selves:  butch dyke and transgender man.  I am not, in aggregate, going to transition physically, there’s plenty of me that relates favorably to this female body.  However, if I were only Kyle and not also Casey?  I think there are very good odds that Kyle, if he were alone in this body, would seriously consider transitioning.  So a fair argument could be made that I am, at least partly, a transman.

Transgender people often speak of gender dysphoria and I experience that from both sides.  There are days when I see a woman’s face and body in the mirror and I can’t relate what I’m seeing to who I am.  Other days I see a man’s face above my polo shirt and can’t figure out how it got there.   I can sit in either of my selves and look at the other, sometimes very clearly, and see an almost complete stranger.  Who is that and how is it that I walk around looking like that all the time?  When did the randy boy I’ve nurtured and sheltered for so long become this man I see walking around being an adult and parenting impressionable young people?  Will I always go through periods when I feel so disconnected to so much of myself?

It’s not all bad, not all of the disconnect is uncomfortable or confusing.  Most of the time, I have dual membership in my own mutual admiration society.  I can see Casey as a strong, sexy, nurturing, capable woman who deals with life’s challenges with grace, most of the time.  Casey views Kyle as a sometimes impulsive guy who’s growing into himself, becoming more mature and responsible, while never quite outgrowing the cocky, horny boy.  And I wouldn’t want him too.

So does Casey have a crush on Kyle?  Does she sometimes admire him and the way he’s working embrace his manhood, his kinks, his faggot fantasies?  Kyle is sexy, confident, has that devilish wink and a swagger that won’t stop.  Yes, sometimes I look at pictures of myself, of Kyle, and am stunned.  That’s him, that’s me, that’s us.  It’s not a figment of my imagination, I am this composite of man/woman.

So, yeah, I’ve got crush on a transman, and he’s me.

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