changing me

I have this bad habit of assuming the worst.  I assume things will go side-ways unless I exert the utmost effort to make them successful.  I assume my wife will push-back when I want to do something.  I assume a lot of bad things about her, actually, and I realize I’ve put her in a role and sometimes don’t see her as the person she is.  The role is based on old patterns from my childhood and early relationships.  The role of Disapprover, which my mom filled before that place was taken by a series of girlfriends.  Now, to be fair, my wife can be quite fierce when she isn’t in support of something, but it’s not fair to assume she’ll always disapprove.

I was in a panic state for several days.  Feeling pressure from all sides, pressure that I magnified and heaped on myself.  That panic affected my home life, my wife and I were bickering and sniping for the stupidest reasons.  It also negatively effected my relationship with Roxy.  I wasn’t really listening to her, I was hearing an old script, an old pattern that told me I was the one who had to make it all work.  Add to that my poor health and over-all exhaustion and you have a recipe for disaster.  It almost resulted in me losing Roxy, all because I was listening to an old recording and not what was actually being said.

Thank goodness for Roxy, that conversation we had on Tuesday finally broke the spell.  I finally listened, I finally communicated and she did the same.  We recognized that we have similar patterns and that we trigger each other.  When you are responding to a trigger, you’re not really thinking about what you’re doing or how you’re acting, you’re simply reacting, following the script.

Since that conversation, I’ve been opening my eyes to what my true reality is, rather than the hyped up panic-fest I was steeped in before.  My wife does love me, she supports me, she’s happy that I’m involved in activities I love.  She may have her misgivings about how deep my involvement is with Roxy, but she also knows I’m happy.  My task is to remember that she’s a person, she’s my friend, she’s my wife and supporter.  She’s not a role, not a caricature.  I’m hoping that if I can live and breath and exude a better attitude, it will help her to relax as well.  I want her to trust me, to feel secure in our relationship and I want her to share in all aspects of my life.  I imagine that when I’m doing the porcupine-in-a-panic routine, it triggers a defensive pull back on her part, which does nothing to foster a good home life or relationship.

I’m going to try a new mindset.  Instead of assuming bad reactions and bad results, I’m going to assume good ones.  I’m going to assume I’ll get support rather than prepare for a battle.  This mindset doesn’t come without risks, sometimes I may get resistance, sometimes I may have to battle for what I want.  Even with those risks, starting from this place of optimism, hope and love feels so much better than the panic mode I was in before.

I’m going to give it a try.

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