I’ve only recently begun to relate to Father’s Day as something that pertains to me. Last year, my wife was pregnant and I had a very vivid fantasy about being a father, and of having a son. This year I’m the proud parent of two beautiful girls and having some very strong yearnings about Father’s Day.
Being a Mommy is one of the very best things that’s ever happened to me. It’s what people see when they look at me with my kids. Recently, I’ve been wishing I could get recognition as a Dad, as well. Father’s Day wrenches at me a bit, Kyle wants to be seen and appreciated as much as Casey. And this isn’t just about getting cards and gifts (it’d be kinda selfish to get double), it’s just that as my Kyle identity grows and develops, there’s a yearning for certain male related rituals.
This Father’s Day, I’m thinking a lot about what it would be like to be a father, to be Daddy to my girls, to be recognized by other people in my day to day life as a male parent. Sunday morning, on Twitter, I received Father’s Day greetings from a few people, including Roxy, and, damn, that felt good. There’s a guilty pleasure I sometimes indulge myself in, sometimes with my baby girl, I refer to myself as Daddy. I don’t do it when my ElderSpawn or wife can hear, and I’ll have to stop doing it with Little Bit soon, before it confuses her, but it feels really good. I get all warm and gooey inside thinking of myself as her Daddy.
Today, while I was working outside in my new work boots (a father’s day present to myself), I had another Father’s Day daydream, a fantasy conversation with my father. He is my role model in many things, as a parent, as a man and as a human being. Here’s how it went in my head:
Me: Hey, Dad, Happy Father’s day!
Dad: Happy Father’s day to you, too, son, what are you doing to celebrate?
Me: Well, I didn’t get to sleep in this time around, the baby decided to get up and greet the dawn with play time. I figure I’ll get a nap later, maybe after some yard work. ElderSpawn made toast and coffee, and we’ve been watching soccer most of the morning. It’s been a nice slow day so far. How about you?
Dad: You have sweet girls, you two are doing a great job with them.
Me: Thanks, Dad and if I’m any good at being a father it’s because I have a great one.
A pause as my dad soaks that in…
Dad: Thank you, Kyle, that’s very nice to hear… your mother and I are very proud of you and your family.
So yeah, something like that. Even writing that out is a bit of an exercise because I don’t know how my dad and I would interact if I had been raised male. Would we open up to each other, or would we just verbally chuck each other on the shoulders and move on to a conversation about sports or something. Maybe I should ask my brother, do some research. Though, knowing my dad, we wouldn’t have one of those distant, non-emotive relationships, even as father and son. My dad is a very strong, giving, nurturing man. Definitely the kind of man to learn from and emulate in many ways.
My real Father’s Day was spent with my daughters. I had envisioned getting outside to do some yard work and taking the Little Bit outside as well. Rain dampened those plans, but I managed to squeeze in about an hour and a half outside while she napped. My wife was out at an engagement party during the afternoon and then we all whisked off to a graduation party. A high schooler we’ve known since she was a wee tot has graduated and will be attending Reed College this fall. Her parents, a butch-femme couple we’ve known forever are a lot of fun to hang out with and always make me feel very comfortable expressing my masculinity. It was awesome to hang out with that family and all our mutual friends. Some of those friends are kinky, poly folk and it was soooo nice to get some private conversation time with them and not have to be guarded about the topics. All in all, a great evening.
I have lots more to catch you all up on, like Olympia Pride weekend spent with Roxy’s family and stuff going on with Butch Voices and all the wonderful new things Little Bit and ElderSpawn are doing, and I’ll do my best to get those posts written. Until then, y’all have a lovely evening and enjoy life.
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