A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a post where I explored the terms genderqueer and transgender with respect to my own identity. I also came out as being poly-gender and having distinct male and female identities within my self.
When I start trying to describe my multiplicity to others, I worry that it sounds like I’ve got multiple personality disorder, but it’s not like that. Of course, it’s possible that the Casey and Kyle identities are coping mechanisms I created in order to manage my duality. Maybe they’re just category headings I created in order to sort out the divergent and sometimes contradictory feelings, thoughts, impulses, areas of interest and sexual drives that would otherwise be a teaming mass inside my head and body. But, honestly, does it really matter how they came into being? It reminds me of the argument about whether your sexual preference is something you were born with or something you decide. My typical response is, who cares? Yes, yes, it can be an interesting topic for discussion but in the end, I know I’m queer, I know I’m of mixed gender. These descriptions feel comfortable and right, so I don’t feel the need to establish origin and cause, most of the time.
I’ve been trying to come up with words and descriptions for what it feels like to live with these two identities. Roxy described interacting with me in terms 3D glasses, you can see the image without them, but with them a lot more comes into focus. From the inside, it’s more of a perspective shift, as if I’m looking through the same eyes, but different lenses. I can feel the shift in my body, the way I talk, my posture and body language, the way I react to stimulus, my emotions and moods. There are times when I am close to being integrated but I am almost always sensing, speaking, feeling and acting from one or the other perspectives. And if it sounds odd to you, imagine how it feels on the inside. Sometimes the shifts happen without a lot of awareness on my part, but Roxy always notices the subtle differences. She can call up one or the other of me and, most of the time, that works. As she said in her post on my poly-gendered self, she can tell if I’m faking it, if Casey’s imitating Kyle or vice versa.
You may be wondering, when did this duality start? Like most things, it started back in my childhood, was marinated by the hormones of puberty, bullied through my early adulthood and finally emerging into what the person I am in my mid 40s.
In the aggregate, I am sexually queer and kinky and very into BDSM. Individually, though, the break down gets interesting. Kyle and Casey do not have the same erotic drives, or perspectives on sex. For example, my feelings, thoughts and erotic reaction to cocks have changed over the years. When I was younger, my identity as a lesbian was very important. So important that I felt the need to disavow and reject any feelings of fascination or attraction for the male anatomy. The truth is, though, cock pictures have always turned me on. Written or video scenes with blow jobs really get to me, however, more so between men: I like watching men suck other men off more than I like watching straight porn. Scenes in straight porn of women sucking off men just doesn’t give me the same kick. Boy on boy, or queer on queer of any gender configuration, I love that stuff… it’s perverting the dominant paradigm. That’s why it works for me when Roxy and I do gender role play, she can be the dirty old man pushing my face into the bunk and yanking my pants down for a poke.
Somewhere in my 30s I gave in and let myself acknowledge, out loud, that gay male porn was my favorite. Since then, as I’ve been more open about sharing that fetish, I’ve discovered lots of queer women share it. In the past year or so, as I’ve dug deeper into my own gender mix, I’ve come to realize that it’s not just that I appreciate and get off on men fucking and sucking men, I want to be them. Yes, you read that correctly, a part of me wants to engage in gay sex with other men. And if you parse that correctly, you’ll know it’s my masculine side, my Kyle side, who is acknowledging that desire. My fantasy life has been full of cock for a long time. I’ve imagined myself a young boy victimized by older, stronger and less scrupulous men. I’ve imagined being forced into giving blowjobs, being taken roughly in the ass. I’ve also imagined myself in the top position, taking advantage of young, nubile boys and bois. There is just something about masculine-on-masculine that turns me on.
And maybe you’re thinking.. “But.. but.. you’re a dyke, right? What about your attraction to women?” Well, that hasn’t gone away, hasn’t even decreased. My female side, Casey, is very much the butch dyke, but is also becoming aware and more secure with the idea of being bisexual. Her attraction to men is not the same as Kyle’s. Her’s is more a fascination for an anatomy that is so different from hers, and the recognition that she didn’t take advantage of her chances to explore sex with men earlier in her life. To her, it seems a shame to cut an entire gender out of the candidate pool when there is so much potential for fun. On the other hand, Kyle’s desire feels deeper, more carnal, more about need than curiosity. I’ve been reluctant to state it so plainly before but there is definitely a part of me that identifies as a bisexual man who very much wants to live out his faggot fantasies.
It hasn’t been easy to get to this point, my lesbian identity was very hard won and fiercely defended for decades. Admitting to opposite attraction is still seen as a betrayal by some members of the community, a win by the other team. I played that game for years and I’m tired of it. Whether you’re talking about Kyle or Casey, you’re talking about someone who loves sex, loves to push boundaries and break down barriers.
I have some ideas on where to go next with this series, but I’m also interested in what you want to know, so questions and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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