taking her as My girl, discovering the Dom within

It’s on our shared calendar, an appointment

collaring My girl ..

warm glow of the fire, Liberator throw to kneel on.. I’m going to collar you and spoil you rotten..


I’m really excited about collaring My girl next week.  I’m not certain, not having done this before, but I suspect some of what’s running around inside my head and heart is not particularly ‘Domly’.  I’m feeling giddy and when I imagine Roxy kneeling in front of me… giant butterflies take flight in my belly.  I’ve already written words to say during the ceremony.  Whenever I start thinking about it, I smile and fall into a pleasant daydream.  I imagine her, kneeling before me, her smile, eager, shy and radiant.  I visualize myself being strong and steady, no voice breaks, holding my tears until the end.  Is it unDomly of me to admit I’m going to cry over this?  Ah well.. I am who I am, and I can’t be any other kind of Sir. And what kind of Sir am I?  One who’s grown into this role relatively recently.

How subbing taught me how to top

I made an interesting discovery a few months ago, I found my inner Dom and let her out to play.  Maybe this surprises you, maybe you’re thinking “But, Kyle, I’ve read all your stuff … you seem pretty toppy in a lot of your stories.”  That’s true, and so are many of those stories.  But honestly, this is different, this is real, this has substance. (and maybe some of you tripped over me saying ‘her’, but it’s definitely the female side of me in this role, more on that in another post, perhaps).

Previously, I’d relied on anger and aggression to inform my dominance.  Through some cyber and real-life sessions with Roxy, I have finally found a more secure footing for topping:  confidence, passion and trust.  Certainly, anger can be a powerful energy source, driving thoughts of soft/warm/fuzzy love and tenderness right out of my head.  But it’s an unpredictable source, an unsteady one and it’s not always easy to switch on.  Anger is also something I’m not comfortable with, I have an uneasy relationship with that emotion.  I’m not just uncomfortable, I fear my anger.  I’m afraid of what I might do if I lose control of it.

I know now that, in the past, I used my rougher topping energy to push me past my insecurities, my fears.  I worried that I wouldn’t be good enough, strong enough to bring her to her knees, to put genuine fear and hope in her eyes.  Relying on her to push me to anger meant I wasn’t in control, I wasn’t directing, I was topping passively.  Channeling old anger wasn’t genuine either, it was a costume, a facade that looked like the real thing unless she pushed too hard and then it would come crashing down, revealing me, insecure and not strong enough to give her what she needed.

The turning point actually happened though a series of tasks and scenes directed by Roxy as my Sir.  And as always with us, we don’t just do a scene, we discuss it later, we break it down, do play-by-play analysis.  It’s intriguing to us what parts of a task or scene work, and which parts don’t.  And not just what works, but why.  Why was it so hard for me to say ‘Sir’ to her at first?  Why is it that when she gives me a challenge, I am unable to refuse it?  Over the course of the past year, I’ve been digging into what I get out of subbing.  What is it about giving in, giving up control, that feeds me so much?  And Roxy has been communicating more and more to me what she gets from me in her dominant role.  And it is those revelations that finally broke me free and allowed me to find the real Dom within.

I’ve been paying close attention to how she tops me, how she takes control and what works and doesn’t work about those interactions.  She doesn’t need to get angry with me, doesn’t need to belittle me or really force me to do anything.  She’s so damned good, I fall all over myself to please her, to the point of giving up way to much insider information that she can use to her benefit.  Except it’s not just benefiting her, she does what she does for me.  The way she Doms, she’s really serving me.  She’s providing me with the challenges and opportunities for growth I crave.  She provides a safe environment within which I can let go of control, something that is really, really hard for me to do.   Her style of topping feeds my soul even as my style of subbing feeds hers.

I’ve learned from her that strength can be quiet, that intelligence tops much more thoroughly than any exertion of muscle.  I admire her very much.  Because of what I’ve learned from her, I’ve reexamined my assumptions about topping.  I realized that a lot of topping someone has to do with reading them, knowing what makes them tick, knowing what they want from their subbing experience.  Now I know how to top her, how to be her Sir.  It’s not through anger or shouting or physical force.  I’ve found my Dom style to be quiet, exuding strength and confidence, allowing her to accept my dominance with trust and love.  I know how much can be accomplished with a steady, calm gaze, no words needed.  She can trust that I will accept her submission with respect, love and praise.  I do not see myself as better than her, I’m not her superior.  I am her equal partner as we explore our very complex and rich relationship.

When I collar her next week, we will be completing the circle.  She is my Sir and I am her boy.  She is my girl and I am her Sir.  I get a bit mushy thinking about it, about saying those words, looking into her eyes, gathering her into my arms afterward.    That’s what I have to offer her:  big, teddy-bear Sir, strong and loving, wanting to give her everything she craves and spoiling her rotten in the process.  She gives me a strong, sexy girl, eager to love and please, strong and capable in her own right, my equal and partner.  It’s amazing to be in this position, knowing that in a blink she could have me on my knees, begging her for mercy.  It’s a miraculous thing to find someone so perfect for me in the vast wilderness of the internet.

Thank you, girl, your Sir loves you very, very much.

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7 Responses to taking her as My girl, discovering the Dom within

  1. Roxy says:

    Oh, my love, you humble me with your adoration. I love you, I adore you, you are so very precious to me, and I am so grateful to have your love and your trust. You are a wonderful, strong boy and a safe, strong Sir – and it feels so very good to love and explore with you.

    i’ve craved a Sir for as long as you’ve known me, and you’ve listened carefully and found a part of you who can be my Sir and my protector – an adoring top who can push me hard and love me harder. i do feel spoiled around You – that You’re so willing to find that part of You who can be what i need.

    The image of completing the circle is so beautifully apt for us. There is no top, no bottom, but two equals who delight in the ebb and flow of power and control. i’m close to tears whenever i imagine kneeling before You, Your hands on my face, caressing my neck, as You place the collar on me and take me as Yours. I’ve been yours for so long, but i can’t wait to be Yours as well.

    Thank You, my love, my Sir, My boy, My girl. I love you more than I know how to say.

  2. pixie says:

    you 2 are just so awesome 🙂

  3. BabyMan says:

    Interesting pointers.

  4. alphafemme says:

    Thanks for this. It’s interesting, because my lady and I have been discovering some of these things ourselves recently. It took us a while to be able to understand that anger and aggression is not a topping style that works on me; I withdraw and disconnect, and then she gets frustrated, and it’s a vicious cycle. But it was a moment of IMMENSE relief when we were both finally able to articulate what was going wrong. I’m going to send her here to read this… thanks 🙂

  5. sweetspiced says:

    I think you’ve found your sweet spot – and I’ll definitely be interested to hear about the fact that it’s your female side.

    You have much more experience than I in the “real world” but once I started to acknowledge my feelings about this very subject I started to think about what it meant. And topping in anger wouldn’t work for me, on either side.

    Submission is something to be earned by the strength and caring of the Dom. If that strength, the sense of safety isn’t there – then the submission doesn’t happen.

    In the power exchange – both sides must be equal I think for it to be a true exchange, a giving up of the power or rather a gifting to the Dom. Saying my care is in your hands. You are my Sir.

    As for the switchy part, I just call it my growly and my soft sides. So far I’ve only found myself on one side or the other with an individual; you are very lucky to have found both in one.

    Enjoy your ceremony my friend!

  6. Pingback: Butchtastic » Blog Archive » Roxy’s April Visit: Collaring My girl, the Ceremony

  7. Hers says:

    That was exactly what I needed to stumble across on the Internet tonight instead of looking through naughty pictures on the google that I was headed for. Now, I’m signing up with this site. Haha

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