Insecurity, you can kiss my ass

Nadia asked me a question about insecurity in poly relationships via and I finally answered it this weekend.   Well, I answered an aspect of the question.  I talked about some of the insecurities that come up in polyamorous relationships, based on my experience, but I didn’t really address insecurity itself, and that fucker permeates pretty  much everything, unfortunately.  Poly relationships don’t have the corner on that particular problem.   The fact is, I deal with insecurities and fears on a regular basis with both of my relationships, and I’m a bit tired of it, tired of how insecurity jerks my chain, tired of my defensiveness and over-compensation in the face of fear.  I need to take control, rather than having it control me.  For me, this starts with a conversation.. something like this:

Insecurity, you fucker,

Goddamn, I’m tired of you creeping in all the time.  I shouldn’t panic over every misunderstanding.   Shouldn’t feel like it’s the end of the world when I have a spat with either one of my partners.  But you come in with your logical sounding arguments and leave me feeling like a failure or like I’m losing everything I care about.  You’re a very smooth liar and I’m really tired of you having so much control over me.

The truth is, she needs to be able to talk to other people, too.  Her needs should take precedence over my feeling of inadequacy.  And it’s not that she doesn’t need me, too, it’s just better to have more than one person to turn to.

And why is it that I always want to fix everything?  It seems like the right thing to do, solve the problem so the pain goes away.  Except it isn’t always, and I keep having to learn that lesson, over and over again.  With each partner, each relationship, I feel compelled to rescue, fix, solve.. make the bad stuff go away.  And with each partner, each relationship, what I should be doing is listening, supporting, doing what is asked of me, not what I think is best.  There’s a mixture of ego and insecurity in my automatic “fix-it” reaction.  The ego that believes I can solve all problems and the insecurity that tells me I’m not enough for her if I can’t.

And that’s a fear I battle a lot.  I worry that if I can’t make it better, I’m making it worse.  And it’s not just the long distance relationships that arouse that fear and insecurity.  Even after 16 years, I worry that my wife will decide she can do better, find someone who can more adequately meet her needs.  And with all the physical distance between Roxy and me, it’s easy to fall into that trap as well.  I’m far away, I can’t give her the hugs she craves or meet her for coffee or go to the kinky events with her.  If I let it, the acid of fear in my stomach can overwhelm me and that’s when I over-compensate.  I burst in, sword waving, taking swings at anything that moves.. not a great strategy when I often am so blinded by my fear I don’t see very clearly.

The thing is, I can’t really solve other people’s problems, I only have that power over mine.  So, Insecurity, I’m going to be working against you, taking away your power.  I’m going to continue to work on controlling my knee-jerk reactions and insecurity-fed over-compensation binges.   As a reminder of what I’m trying to accomplish, I’ve got a sticky-note on my desk right now with 4 words on it “Don’t Panic” and “Just Listen”.

And really it comes down to “Don’t Panic”.  I need to stop seeing a bad mood on the part of one of my partners as an indictment against our relationship.  I need to stop being defensive and fearful when one of my partners reaches out to someone else for comfort, advice or whatever.  If I truly love them, why would I want to keep them from any kind of help, release and companionship?  It does me no good to try to keep everything in my hands, there’s always something that slips out.  Why can’t I have faith, believe*?  I understand that I can’t completely rid myself of these unseemly emotions… I am human.. but I need to gain some measure of control over my reactions to them.  I need to wrestle my life out of the hands of Insecurity and Fear, I don’t want to be wallowing in this shit for the rest of my life.

So, above all, this year.. no, for the rest of this life, I need to work on something kind of simple…

Don’t Panic



*yes, yes I did quote a Journey song.. deal with it.

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4 Responses to Insecurity, you can kiss my ass

  1. Roxy says:

    Love, you are so brave to face your fears here, leaving them out for everyone to see. It’s an admirable and courageous act, and I hope you find it freeing, because it gives me and the people around you the courage to face their own fears.

    The measure of a man isn’t his fears, but what he accomplishes despite them. You are a brave man to strive to move past them, love. Thank you for being so good.

  2. Hear Hear! Insecurity is a twatty asshat. I hate it too.

  3. I’m so insecure too. I need an Easy button I can slam with my fist when insecurity drives me to irrational fears.

    You are right, we are just humans. Flawed, sometimes stupid, humans.

    The difference is that You are choosing to acknowledge and address your insecurities whereas many, many, many – in fact I would say MOST – people act like they are just fine and leave those who love them to suffer at the mercy of their insecure behaviors.

    You said “Why can’t I have faith, believe*?” – but you do believe, or you would have given up already.

    I would have given anything for the person I lost to his insecurity to just admit his actions were driven by such before he tossed my love around so much he broke it.

    These women are lucky to have you.

  4. c. johnson says:

    i am impressed by this. my heart breaks every time something happens, i panic, i assume that its all over, everything is a sham, they never loved me anyway, i was never good enough. however a friend just enlightened me. ive never been a seinfeld fan but this episode just works. (youtube seinfeld the opposite)George is in the diner comaplaining about how his whole life is a disaster and every decision he has ever made has been wrong. Jerry replies, well then, if every decision you have ever made has been wrong…then the opposite would have to be right. So, essentially from now on, do the OPPOSITE of what you would normally do. (clearly this doesnt apply everywhere in life but in these situations where i want to panic and run and cry and end it and smother him and make us both insane, i am trying to focus on “doing the opposite.”

    I’m not glad you suffer that insecurity, but glad you found something you could relate to in what I wrote. Best of luck in your future relationship endeavors — K

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