stubborn, yes… selfish, yes… crazy in love, yes

Yesterday, Roxy posted about some recent events, some really hard times we’ve been working through.   She’s told you all how difficult it is to break up with me, that I’m impossibly stubborn.  She’s talked about her ‘weak gut’ but she is anything but weak.  I feel like she’s painted a picture of me as the strong one, but I know the truth.  And apparently so do others, because one of her commenters nailed it:  I’m selfish.

Yeah, I refused to let her break up with me, but was it because of some noble motivation or something not as much fun to talk about?  I’ll give you a hint.. I’m not all that noble.  Why wouldn’t I let her go, when it was obvious she was in so much pain?  I’m was afraid.  Afraid of the pain I’d feel letting her go, closing this chapter of my life, losing the amazing intimacy of this relationship. 

God, just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. 

She gives me so much and I feel ashamed and guilty that I don’t give her nearly enough back.  She’s sacrificed for me, pushed herself through pain, agreed to future pain, to stay in this relationship with me. 

I’m not sure I deserve her, or do nearly enough for her, but I know what she does for me.  She has loved me deeply, thoroughly, fully and without reserve.  She’s encouraged my writing, serving as a skillful and supportive writing partner.  She’s worked steadily on my self-image, chipping away at my resistance until I can finally recognize my own beauty.   She’s given so much of herself, setting aside her own troubles in order to support me, to build me up at her own expense.  She’s a constant inspiration for me in my writing and in my everyday life.  She’s brought so much poetry into my life, both real and figurative — a life with her is filled with lyrical images and passionate verse.

She works hard to make sure that others are comfortable, happy, satisfied.  Life with her is life suffused with warm, strong sunlight — she is nurturing and illuminating.  She embraces me, holds me up and, yes, is sometimes the bringer of truths I’d rather not aknowledge.   Some of those truths are truly ugly and yet I have no grounds to argue against them.  She loves me and reflects reality back at me, so that I might learn from the reflection.

The other day, I was stubborn and wouldn’t let her go.  I don’t see that as very heroic, in fact, I feel a bit like a bully, and as such a coward.  I don’t want to lose her because I don’t want to deal with the pain that loss will bring.  But staying with me is going to cause her recurring pain.  So she’s making a continual sacrifice to be with me, and I haven’t done the same for her.  Maybe if I were more noble and worthy, I’d let her go with my blessing but, again, the thought of that brings tears to my eyes and makes me ache inside.

So that’s the story from my side.  I’m stubborn coward who will stand and take whatever she brings to avoid the pain of losing her.  I’ll do what I can to convince her that what we do have is worth the pain of what we don’t have.  I will love her to the end of my days and cherish every moment of my life with her.  And, for the rest of my days, I will also have to deal with the self-loathing that comes from knowing her continued involvment with me means continued pain for her.

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