Damsel in Distress: By the Book

A beautiful Damsel sits in a sunlit room, enjoying the morning. She is troubled though, because a monster looms on the horizon, it’s coming toward her, huge and scary with its huge lumbering feet, gnashing teeth and razor sharp claws.

The Knight sees her furrowed brow and dashes to her side, pledging himself to her and promising to defend her against the approaching Beast.

Knight: well.. I’ll gird my loins and strap on my broadsword then, love

Knight: I’m here.. I won’t go anywhere

Damsel: Maybe strap on your loins?

Knight: well.. first yes

Knight: hmmm.. suppose I should consult the manual then, right.. it’s in here somewhere

*** the Knight fumbles through his very masculine travel bag and finally pulls out a worn, tattered book entitled “Damsels for Dummies”. The Knight flips it open to a dog-eared page.

Knight: Ahhh, yes, here we are.. “Steps for Saving Damsels in Distress” .. let’s see.. hmmm yes

Knight: step 1: strap on loins

Knight in an aside to the Damsel: (almost typed ‘lions’)

Knight in an aside to the Damsel: (which is completely different)

Damsel in an aside to the Knight: (holy fuck)

Damsel in an aside to the Knight: (you’re not sticking those in me)

Knight: step 2: gird said loins

Knight: step 3: strap on strapping broadsword

Knight: step 4: trip over broadsword cuz I am so not that tall

Knight: step 5: take off the damned broadsword

Knight: step 6: find appropriate weapon, strap it on, dammit

Knight: step 7: find adversary

Knight: step 8: put on contacts, dummy, the glasses are going to get fogged up

Knight:  step 9: find adversary again, it moved

Knight: step 10: find damsel in distress

Knight:  step 11: get all lost in damsel’s gorgeous eyes and forget what we’re doing

Knight:  step 12: ahem, oh right, we’re fighting something

Damsel: Yes, I can see I’d be in good hands

Damsel: Totally no doubt you could smite the enemy

Knight:  step 13: stand up tall.. as tall as I possibly can with my lack of tallness

Knight:  step 14: god, finally, do some damn smiting already!!

Damsel: …if I tied him up for you and made sure he didn’t move around so much…

Knight: step 15: pierce adversary repeatedly in a deeply piercing fashion

Knight:  step 16: plug ears to guard against the wailing sound

Knight: step 17: watch adversary turn tail and run

Knight: step 18: turn to damsel.. mmm ooo la la

Damsel: 😀

Knight: step 19: gather damsel in arms.. suddenly remember weapon is still in hands, apologize and toss weapon aside

Knight:  step 20: ask for a kiss from the damsel

Damsel:  19.5 – stop bleeding of damsel…?

Knight: oh right.. sooory boot that

Knight:  step 19.5: *dab dab dab*

Knight:  s’alright now?

Damsel:  it’s generally accepted you should administer first aid before the big kiss

Knight:  I agree.. dammit, I didn’t read the whole manual

Knight:  skipped to the kissing part

Damsel:  Hee

Damsel:  you, too?

Knight:  uh yeah, me too

Knight: sooooo… step 20: wait for permission to kiss damsel

*** Damsel in the webcam looks directly in Knights eyes **

Damsel: is that permission enough?

Knight: whoo!! … uh huh

Knight: step 21: big romantical kiss

Knight:  step 22: ***much gasping and moaning and general carrying-on**

Damsel: you know, I’m not usually a fan of romantic scenes…but you are very convincing…

Knight:  it’s my special mix of goofball and romantic

Damsel: Oh, you meant “romantical”…

Knight: oh, I meant romantical, you know it baby.. I bring out the BIG GUNS

Damsel: **boom chikka chikka chikka boom**

Knight:  step … which step am I on?

Damsel: 23

Knight:  step 23: hmmm… carry damsel off to my stronghold 😀

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