A Touch of Envy

I have three close friends who are at various stages of FTM transition, one is in his early stages, the other a few years in and yet another has been transitioned for many years.  Then there are the friends I know through blogs and discussions online who are going through or have gone through transition.  I have a pretty good outsider’s understanding of the challenges they’ve faced and worked through, and the steps they’ve taken to make this very big change in their lives a reality.  I know it’s not an easy thing to do, but I do feel a touch of envy nonetheless. 

I love my female body.  I love what I can do with it and what others love to do to it.  I am mostly very comfortable living within its confines.  But I am not exclusively female.  My male side has become more important to me in the last couple of years — to celebrate, express and have recognized.  I was reading earlier today about Jess’ progress, 64 days into his transition, and that feeling of envy hit me square in the chest.  Now, don’t misunderstand me, I am aware that gender transition has huge emotional as well as physical impacts and effects a person’s interpersonal and professional relationships, not to mention the legal and financial challenges.  But in reading about the changes Jess has gone through, and the recognizable male characteristics he is gaining, I felt a bit pulled.  No, I don’t want to lose my female body, yes, I’d love to have my maleness recognized more widely. 

Most of the time, my feeling of being “some of each” sits pretty easily on my shoulders.  Sometimes, like today, my male self aches to be seen — working just as hard at life and love as my female side, being just as responsible and talented, but not getting as much recognition.  There are those who greet me as Kyle, with male pronouns and all the fixings, but in most of my life I’m Casey, a very butch woman, Mommy to my two daughters, butch wife to my partner.  Sometimes the Daddy in me aches to be seen, recognized, congratulated, too.

I want to thank the people in my life who recognize “Kyle” and have welcomed him into their lives and hearts.  It means more to me than I can say.

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