I’m sure I’ve said this more than once, becoming polyamorous is one of the best and hardest things I’ve ever done. On the one hand, I know that my heart is capable of lots of love and generosity. The down side is that I’m also very capable of emotions that make poly hard: jealousy, insecurity, selfishness.
I can talk a good game when it comes to poly, but I have a hard time walking my talk when the status quo is challenged. Things got tough a few days ago and I broke. Instead of trusting my lover, I suffered poly-fail and let my insecurity and jealousy get the best of me.
Roxy had begun to tell me about someone she’d met online, someone who excited her and shared a lot of kinky interests with her. Another butch from far away, someone who had really gotten her attention. She was being open and honest with me, which is something I’ve insisted on from the beginning. And how did I react, you ask? Was I mature and supportive and loving? No, I wasn’t, not at all. If I recall correctly, I was dismissive, negative and tried desperately to pull her attention back to me. She was opening herself up, afraid of my reaction, and I rewarded her honesty by being an insecure, jealous shit.
In the context of a relationship model built on the idea that there will be others in her life and mine, I want to be the only one for her. The best, the greatest, the most desired and needed. This is exactly the opposite of one of my basic philosophies of life and love, which is that no single person can give you all of what you need. Apparently, I can say that with a straight face and complete sincerity and still get angry and afraid because my lover needs other people in addition to me.
And you might say, hey, Kyle, don’t be so hard on yourself, everyone has insecurities. And my response is, that’s true but what I did was pure hypocrisy and I hate hypocrisy, especially in myself. I’ve been involved with others, but I freaked out about the possibility of her being involved with somebody else. Why was it ok for me but not for her? Well, obviously, if I want the freedom to explore relationships of any kind with others, it has to be ok for her as well. There is no other way to do this right, in my book.
In a nutshell, I’m great at poly when I’m getting my way, when I’m the one getting attention from others, but when she got the additional attention, I freaked out and behaved in ways that I’m ashamed of. Since then, we’ve had some tough days, some time to think and some really great, serious, hard, good conversations. And once again, we got through the hard stuff feeling more sure about our partnership and our love. We’re working on how to communicate about the other people who are entering our lives, and in effect, our relationship. Every day, this process continues as we each learn more about each other and ourselves through this amazing love affair.
Roxy: thank you, baby, for your patience and tolerance and willingness to kick my ass with the truth when necessary. You occupy a warm, positive place in my heart and it’s always yours, as long as you want it. I love you.
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