Dateline: Bay Area
February 17, 2009
“I can’t believe this! He passed it on to me, without even saying there was a risk!”
The beguiling and uncommonly curious roxy, who has been in the news lately as Kyle Jones’ latest conquest, held a press conference yesterday. She explained to reporters that she had some shocking news, that she and Kyle are in a ‘relationship’.
She spoke in a halting voice, “I, I thought we were just fooling around, that it was ‘just sex’ or maybe we were ‘involved’, certainly I had no idea that I’d caught ‘relationship’!” She turned and was consoled by her husband, Mr. Roxy.
“I had no idea, he hit me with this out of the blue, yesterday,” she continued. “I’m not sure what to do at this point, I feel so blindsided, so betrayed.”
This WKINK reporter had questions,”roxy, roxy! How did he manage to trick you.. didn’t you use protection? Didn’t you know there was a risk of catching ‘relationship’ if you had sex with him?”
This started another round of sobbing and hiccuping as she struggled to regain her composure. Once she had collected herself, she answered, “He seduced me with dirty talk, his rough, country charm and promises of sex and endless orgasms. And, believe me, that is not what’s at issue here. But once he had me under his spell, he started using his secret weapon.”
“What is his secret weapon?”
“What did he do, roxy?!”
“Is he a danger to society?!”
Questions rained down upon her from the press core. Mr. Roxy, pursing his ‘pretty boy’ face into a stern scowl, hushed the crowd, “Hold on now, let her speak!”
“It’s a bait and switch” she explained. “He starts all raunchy, sucks you in with promises of being fucked in an alley but as soon as you’re hooked, he switches to the sweet talk.Â He asks you how you’re feeling, and then.. ” she paused dramatically “he listens to what you say.. all of it, and asks meaningful questions.Â And if you don’t know what to say, or how to say it, he’s patient. He, he, he said he understood me!”
“And, yes, I think he is a danger to society. We deserve to be able to have sex without strings attached.. well, without *that* kind of string.. anyway… the public needs to be warned. Â His kindness and patience is simply insidious.. he doesn’t get angry, give up or let go.. Once he’s got his hooks into you, you’re done for.Â You can’t shake him.”
“He’s devious, he comes on like a rogue and I expected him to take advantage of me. I expected ‘wam-bam-thank-you-ma’am’ but he wanted to snuggle and find out about my hopes and dreams and then, then, then!.. he said he loved me.”
A hush fell over the crowd. Even the Enemies of Jones, who had been demonstrating nearby, ceased their chanting, jaws dropped.
“I know, I know, maybe I should have seen it coming.. but I was in denial. And now, now.. well, I’ve got it now.. I’ll just have to carry on, figure out how to live with this condition” and with that, she raised her chin, took Mr. Roxy by the hand and walked away from the podium.
One of the onlookers shouted out one last question, which went unanswered,”But roxy! Is there something we can take to prevent catching ‘relationships’? Is there a pill or a topical ointment, some kind of medical procedure?”
She just laughed a rather hysterical, almost insane, kind of laugh and continued to walk away, shaking her head.
Later, I tried to speak to Jones, to give him a chance to refute roxy’s claims and salvage his reputation. Mr. Jones refused to answer questions, saying only,”My record speaks for itself, now move out of my way or bend over.”
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