Anticipation is great …

“anticipation is great, realization is awesome, separation sucks the hardest ever”

I twittered that last night, and roxy agrees that sums things up pretty well.  I know some of you are eager to hear about our time together, and we’ll get to that.  There are fun things to share, for certain.  Right now though I’m dealing with post-visit emotions and I’m going to do that by telling you all about them.

I’m still high on the visit.  Spending time with roxy was everything I’d hoped for and more.  Starting at the airport when she arrived until that last moment when she went through security on her way out, I felt the strength of our connection.  We had so goddamned much fun, I’m still a bit overwhelmed.

I’m also feeling the low of her departure.  We held off as long as possible in the airport yesterday, calculating how much time she really needed to get through security and on to her gate.  We held hands, we talked and laughed and held back tears.  I texted her on my way down the escalator toward my truck, and sent her a picture from the parking lot.  It’s really fucking hard to let go of an experience like that.

I’m no stranger to this feeling.  Every time I’m with Jaz it’s wonderful to be with her, and brutal to leave.  I work very hard to be in the moment and focused on our time together so that I can make the most of it.  And then I have to leave her and it sucks.  My heart burns on re-entry to my normal life.  And I have a wonderful life, don’t get me wrong, but the transitions are hard.  And so it is in this case.  I really wanted to linger and wallow in my time with roxy, looking over pictures and reading the words she’d written to me.. to hold off sleep.  Sleep means moving on, moving toward today and regular life.  I had a little mental temper tantrum last night about that.

And I do this willingly.  I know the transition is hard and I’ll hurt and my lover will hurt and I still do it.  Why?  Is it worth it?

Hell yeah.

I believe in living fully and loving fiercely, and doing it all with integrity and focus and honesty.  Yeah, it can backfire and yeah, it’s hard to come down from that high.  But the alternative is to not have the high.  A smart woman reminded me of this, when we were first getting to know each other.  You can’t have the extreme highs without the lows.  That’s the deal.  And it’s a deal I choose to make, over and over.

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