on being the subject

I’m used to being the writer within my circle of friends and family.  I’m the one who writes about them and myself.  It gives me a lot of control over how I’m represented and how events and interactions are interpreted.  I’m not used to being the one written about but it looks like I’ll need to get used to it.

Reading about myself from someone else’s perspective makes me feel much more exposed than if I’d written about the same event.  That’s not a bad thing, just an observation of how my gut tightens a bit, my heart beats a little faster, a thrill runs through me.  Well, and I’m talking about positive reviews so far, I’m sure I’d react differently if someone was trashing me on their blog.

I’ve gone from observer to observed in so many ways this year. This is just another step in my evolution, I guess, but evolution into what? I’m not sure yet.  I’m the one who started this, of course, by writing about events in my life, by being mostly autobiographical in the erotica I publish. I am exposing myself, my thoughts and actions to public scrutiny on a greater level than I ever had before. And so a part of my life is public, and by extension my girlfriend’s life, lesser so my family, who I shield for the most part. And since my girlfriend blogs, I see my actions through her eyes and the words she chooses as well. And now there’s someone new, someone who isn’t afraid to say what she thinks about me, to express her feelings, to throw caution to the wind (at least a little) for my sake.

It’s not just through blogging that I’m getting more feedback than ever.  My girlfriend Jaz is very perceptive and insightful when it comes to me and she’s been giving me the gift of that insight, though it’s sometimes painful and embarrassing to see myself through her eyes, it’s a very positive thing overall.  And now Roxy is also reflecting back to me what she sees, how my actions and words effect her and us.  This is in addition to the feedback I get from my wife and other people in my life.

I have choices, of course.  I can say, “Enough already!” and retreat to my comfort zone, where I only believe my own judgment and insights.  Or I can see this as a growth opportunity, embrace the input, digest it and see how I can make use of it in becoming a better, fuller version of me.  I choose the latter.  I fully commit to my own self-improvement journey.  And, in all honesty, I’m not usually too surprised by what I hear from others.. only surprised that the can see what they see.  Some things I think I’m covering up are not really that well hidden, apparently.

I’m in the center of a room of mirrors. Some of them are fun house mirrors, giving me what I believe is a distorted view of myself. Some of them seem truer than true, presenting the gift of insight through someone else’s experience and observation. It’s easy to get lost in this room, gazing from mirror to mirror, falling into one or the other person’s perceptions of who I am and what I’m about. So far I’ve been lucky, I’ve gotten positive feedback through this blog and supportive feedback from the women in my life.  That might not always be true. What I need to remember is that regardless of the images I see in the increasing number of mirrors in this room, the truest vision is the one I hold.

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