The way that she loves me

If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do
If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says
When she says she loves me

If you’ve read my blog during the past week or so, you know that a lot is happening in my personal life. My girlfriend, Jazzy, and I are going through a transition, something we both knew would happen eventually but didn’t realize would happen so soon. She’s found a special someone else, and their relationship is deepening. I’m also in the beginning stages of a friendship that promises to be much more. We’ve both had a hard time dealing with and communicating about our emotions. We’re sad and hurt at the prospect that we’ll spend less time with each other, be less available. On the other hand, we have exciting new things to share. We’re best friends, she and I, and we are fiercely protective of that part of our relationship. So it was hard this past week when we weren’t talking and sharing much with each other.

We finally had time for a face to face talk last night and into this morning. We didn’t just talk, there were plenty of other activities (like trying out some crocodile clamps) that also had us occupied. And, yes, the sex was hot as it always is with us, but the communication, wow, that was mind-blowing.

I love her, she loves me and we also have other loves in our lives. They don’t cancel or replace the love we have for each other, but our relationship is morphing, growing, finding a good level we can maintain. And that makes us both very happy and very relieved.

I need to say a few things about what she’s done for me during this past year, because I want to very publicly thank her for everything and acknowledge how important she is to me.

Jazzy, who was my high school sweetheart and first love, knows me in ways no one else does. We have a shared history, nicknames, song dedications .. all the trappings of first love. It was for our high school romance that Kyle came into being. I needed a way to sign my love notes to her that wouldn’t cause her embarrassment with classmates or trouble with her parents, so I signed them as ‘Kyle’. I’d pretty much forgotten about him until we reunited last year. She looked for him, sought him out, coaxed, goaded and seduced him into life again. It’s hard to describe how I felt when that part of me manifested again. It felt like a lot of puzzle pieces clicked into place inside my head and heart. The butch part of me had been around but not really prominent up to that point, and it certainly didn’t have a name. Giving a name to my masculine self was very powerful, something I’m sure some of my butch friends can relate to.

Along with midwifing and nurturing and encouraging Kyle into being reborn, Jazzy was and is a powerful muse for my erotic writing. It started out as nasty suggestive emails and IM chats. Soon I was writing seductive poetry and erotic stories starring the two of us. Sometimes these stories reflected things we had done, sometimes things we wanted to do. That continues to this day, my writing being a blend of autobiographical and hopeful. So she also helped give birth to Kyle the smut writer.

And every step of the way, she has encouraged me and stroked my ego, pushing me along the path that has led me here, to this blog, to you my readers, to my new friends. As anyone who has played the part of muse, mentor and coach knows, there comes a time when the pupil needs to graduate and use their skills out in the world. It’s a bittersweet moment, something you work toward, but don’t really want to come too soon. And so it was for Jazzy, seeing me start to fly with this blog, with the social connections I’m making, the new friends and new loves. And so it is for me, watching her take stronger steps out into the world, finding another woman worthy of her love. We’re proud of each other, and we’re proud of us.

She’s shown a strength and determination I envy. She’s a survivor, and although she’s faced more than her fair share of challenges, she keeps working toward her dreams. She’s an amazing woman, she inspires me and is my best friend.

I love you, Jaz, always have, always will.

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