Happy Anniversary, times two

I’m celebrating an anniversary today.  You’re probably asking “which one?” because as a lesbian, I could have many.  People in other kinds of relationships may also do this, but lesbians seem particularly prone to celebrating every milestone in their relationship.  Met at a bar?  Anniversary.  First time you kissed?  Anniversary.  First time you had sex?  Anniversary.  And so on with moving in together, getting a pet, having a ceremony of some kind.  We love our anniversaries and I wonder if that has something — or a lot — to do with the fact that most of us still can’t have a Wedding in the official, government sanctioned sense.  Maybe at some point in the future, we’ll limit our anniversaries to that one big day.

So what anniversary am I celebrating today?  The Anniversary of Reconnection.  One year ago today, my high school sweetheart contacted me through MySpace.  We hadn’t spoken or seen each other in almost 25 years.  This is the first girl I ever fell in love with, the first kiss, first sex, first heartbreak.  She’s that person for me.   I remember being shocked when I saw the message… could this be her, for real?  I went to her page, scanned her photos, looking for confirmation.  The pictures I had of her were stashed away in a trunk, but there was one particular picture that clinched it for me, took me right back to high school.  That expression, the look in her eyes.  I think I actually sucked in a breath, as if I’d been hit in the gut.  I think I delayed another day before answering her.  I talked to my wife, I dug deep to see what I felt and I wondered what it would be like to connect again.  I remembered the pain of losing her.  Did I want to know her now?  Would she answer the questions that had been waiting all this time?  I wanted to find out.  I answered that message and before long we were pouring our lives out for each other.

Not long after that initial contact, we were talking on the phone, then I invited her to come visit me, and then, and then…  We were definitely still attracted to each other, fiercely, but was that leftover feeling from the past or new feeling?  Turns out it was both.   There was a strong sense of turning back time at some points, but we were all grown up now and in many ways didn’t know each other at all. 

At this point, I was married to my wife of 15 years and she to hers of 12.  Our wives handled this reunion very differently.   I went to my wife and bared my soul to her.  She asked, Did I have sex with her?  Yes, and I wanted to do it again, if I could.  She asked if I wanted to have an open marriage.  I said, yes, but what would that mean?  We spent time working out what it would mean to us.  It was amusing to both of us that I’d be the one to open our relationship, since I was the serial monogamist and she would have had an open relationship from the beginning.  So this is also the one year anniversary of my wife and I opening our relationship.  During the past year, we’ve revealed our arrangement to various friends and family members, as needed.  It’s a whole ‘nother Coming Out, and it’s wierd to be going through this again after all these years of being very unapologetically and obviously queer and out to the world.  The whole thing has gotten legs of its own now and the information is making its rounds without us.  It’s amusing sometimes to come across a friend or acquaintence who knows — and whom we didn’t tell — and find out where their information came from.  What we haven’t done is spread the word generally within our families and professional circles.  Maybe we will eventually, maybe we won’t.  We’ll figure it out.

I don’t claim to be an expert on polyamorous relationships, obvously I’m a newbie at it.  I do know that they can’t work without lots and lots of communication and honesty.  I think it also takes a lot of self-awareness, humility and self-confidence, even if that sounds contradictory.

My life is very interesting now, with these two very strong-willed, smart, fiesty, hot women in my life.  Both of these women love me, support me, contribute to my health and well-being.  I love them both, and that’s a very interesting realization to have, that I can love two women and have those loves coexist in me.  I’ve learned so much about myself and about relationships in this past year, it’s overwhelming sometimes.  I still have a lot to learn, but if I’m not learning, I’m not living, so I have no problem with that.  If you’d told me a year ago, well, maybe a little more than a year ago, that I’d soon be embarking on this journey, I’d have called you crazy.  It’s not something I predicted.  However, now that I find myself here, I can’t imagine not being involved with these wonderful women in this way.  There’s no turning back.

To my two wonderful women, thank you.  You are both very patient and loving and forgiving and wise.  To my sweet Jaz, thank you for being brave and making contact.  I can’t imagine life without you in it now.  To my lovely wife, thank you for your honesty and strength.  For 15 years, I’ve benefited from your counsel and love and I’m glad I can continue forward with you. 

To my readers, thank you for the support and friendship you’ve shown me so far.  It’s only just begun…

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