How I Make Love

I make love to her with my hands

my lips, my tongue, my thighs

my teeth and my cock

I make love to her when I kiss her softly

or more urgently

I make love to her when I hold her hand

or run my fingers up her thigh

I make love to her when I look into her eyes

and listen to her stories

I make love to her when I put my arm around her

and walk down the sidewalk

I make love to her by resting my head on her shoulder

or cradling her against mine

I make love to her by writing letters

with stamps and doodles and hearts

I make love to her through song dedications

and compilation CDs

I make love to her by saying thank you

to the stars, before I fall asleep at night

I make love to her by saying good morning

every morning, no matter how good

or bad it is

I make love to her with my intention

by being myself, by loving fully

I make love to her by loving all of her

by holding out my hand, in dark moments

and light

I make love to her with every thought

in every moment

of every day

 

This content is published under the Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported license.

Posted in my love, poetry | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sexy Fun with a Friend

A few months ago, I was chatting with my friend Evoë about some pictures she’d taken with another friend and I said, hey, we should do a photo shoot sometime.  I figured either she could use her picture taking prowess on me or we could do something together.

That idea brewed for a while until she texted me not long ago with this proposition:  She invited me to a hotel room in downtown Olympia to take pictures.  She and Harold would be there and she had an idea for a fantasy sequence starring her and I.

That morning I put on a nice shirt and a tie and pulled my bomber jacket on to ward off the chill.  I hung out with the two of them for a couple of hours and the results are posted to Evoë’s blog, My Whole Sex Life, in two installments.  The first, Room Service, is that fantasy sequence she envisioned.  The second, Authenticity, includes shots of us talking, getting silly, being sweet.

Evoë and I have been friends since we met in 2011 at a SEAF where we were reading the erotic stories we’d written as a part of the Literary portion of that event.  We’ve flirted, had serious conversations and supported each other through really hard personal times.  It was nice to have some time for lightheartedness, playing sexy and feeling sweet.  Thank you, both of you.

This content is published under the Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported license.

Posted in erotica, pictures, sex blogging, sexy friends | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

the whole of me

The me that you see is not the whole of me
I’m looking out through these eyes
longing for a wider view
longing to be viewed

to be seen
for all you are
good, bad, misguided, enlightened, lifted and low
there is no greater high

look into my eyes
see the me in here
peeling off, layer by layer
becoming a furless horse
more real than ever

this cocoon is cozy
a safe nest
hiding place, nursery, rich soup of growth
the time has come
stretching my wings

time to fly home to me

 

This content is published under the Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported license.

Posted in finding me, my selves | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

What Does Poly Mean To Me

It seems that I’ve answered this question numerous times over the years but the answer keeps evolving.  So when Oregon Girl asked me this morning, I realized that I did have something slightly new to say about it.

It used to mean freedom to pursue sexual relationships with people other than my primary partner.  That’s where I was at the time, feeling sexually stifled and in need of a way to explore without losing out on my primary relationship.  And I’m no cheater, so poly was the only way to stay honest about what I was doing.

I’ve certainly taken advantage of that freedom over the past 7 years.  That freedom has served me well, allowed me to see into myself in ways I only dreamed about in black and white.  Though at times heart ache — for myself and others — resulted from my sexual adventures, I can’t regret it all because I gained so much.  I do regret hurting others in the process.

That was then and this is now.  I’m still interested in sexual exploration but more interested in relationships and connections. I’m interested in quality over quantity.

When Oregon Girl asked me this morning, “What is poly to you then? What is it you want?”, my answer was “Poly is not about fucking everyone I can and having some gigantic score card. It’s about love and relationships and connections.”

Now, I probably wouldn’t have ever said in years past that “Poly is about fucking everyone I can and having a gigantic score card”, but sex and kink explorations were a big part of how I came into poly.

So what changed?  Oh I suppose I could say maturity, but that would imply that I’m grown up and mature and I’m not sure that’s what this is about.  What really happened was I met someone.  I met someone who amazes me every day, who satisfies me on every level, who loves all of me.  She is my safe place and the starting point for adventures.  She does crazy wonderful amazing things to me sexually and when we’re together, I forget about everything else around us.  We went to a concert on Saturday and all I remember is the show – which was awesome – and her.  Ask me to describe the people sitting next to us and I can’t.. I mean, I think someone was blond, somewhere nearby.  But all I saw was her.

I feel so satisfied and full in our relationship that I have no desire to seek new sexual partners or adventures.  She offers plenty of adventures and besides, spending time with her is a pleasure no matter what we are doing.  It is totally worth it to spend two hours with her when she’s on her way home from Seattle because spending any time with her doing anything is a peak experience.  So, yeah, you get the point.  I’m a goner for Oregon Girl.  I connect to her on all levels and that’s what I really want now in my life.  I want deep, quality connections and that’s what I have with her.  I am full and satisfied with the relationships I have now and she is a big part of that.  I feel stable and whole and loved and that’s the best thing, that’s what I want from life.

Thank you, baby, for turning my world around and upside down and showing me how amazing it can be to be loved in all the ways.

This content is published under the Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported license.

Posted in finding me, relationships | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Show Me, Daddy and other hot stories in Elust #63

Subbee-HEADER-300x200

Photo courtesy of A to sub Bee

Welcome to Elust #63 -

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #64? Start with the rules, come back November1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

I am Sexy at Every Size
Censored? Never By My Hand #DarkErotica #BDSM
Hovering

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Show Me, Daddy
The pride of being a dom

~ Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
Ask Better Questions

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Erotic Non-Fiction

Two Hours of Bliss
Save the Sheets
All He Could Do Was Moan.
I’ll Have What She’s Having
Attitude on the Autobahn
Go get a toy so you can fuck yourself.
Cumslut

Thoughts and Advice on Kink and Fetish

Why I love my Packer
Tools of the trade
On being a feminist and a dirty little slut
Stapled
Getting Acquainted
Not Your Fetish
Why Kinky Women Are All Gold-Digging Trash*
Schoolgirls a Lasting Obsession
Kink-Blocked by Burners

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

We Still Have To Work At It
Sex and Motherhood – Part 1
Tips for using sex toys & avoiding infections
How to Have Sex Naked
Bipolar Sex

Erotic Fiction

Oopps Wrong Number
Pour
Minister & Mistress
Surprises: A Threesome Story
Door Frame

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Sex, lies, videotape & being a decent person
Two Women One Topic

Events

Rubber Band Brilliance

Blogging

Stripping away the Shadows

Poetry

Sweat Slick – An Erotic Sonnet
The Poem Challenge, Day 6: “Owned”
Sixty Years On – A Lusty Limerick
Poetry: I Am….

Writing About Writing

On Writing Daddy Porn
ELust Site Badge

This content is published under the Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported license.

Posted in e[Lust] | Tagged | Leave a comment

Everything She’s Asked For

I am working on my e-book in earnest now.  I have a document with 128 pages, including a title page, dedications and a table of contents.  Very official.  I am now considering what I want to do for cover art.

This is pretty exciting.  And yes, I will make sure you all know about it when it becomes available.

Everything She’s Asked For

Remember that title.

 

This content is published under the Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported license.

Posted in writer news, writing | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Thoughts on Masculine Privilege

I’m writing this post because of a recent question from the Oregon Girl about my thoughts on masculine privilege in female identified masculine-of-center people and how I had seen it manifest.

I am going to answer based on my experience, however, I know from conversations with other masculine-of-center people that I am not the only one to have receive advantages based on my masculinity.  I also know from my conversations with more feminine presenting people that they have witnessed that privilege first hand.

Let’s start with a definition.  When I talk about male or masculine privilege, I am talking about advantages given to those who are perceived male or masculine that are not conferred on the basis of skill, ability or any other objective measure, but rather because of that masculinity.  You can find lists of male privilege on the internet, I’ll leave that research to you but most revolve around a perception of greater intelligence, authority and competency – if there are two people and one of them is masculine appearing, people will tend to defer to the masculine one when it comes to decision making.  There is an assumption that if you are masculine, you not only know how to do stereotypically male things but you also enjoy those activities.   The list goes on.  And on.  And on.  Lots and lots of assumptions.

One example drawn from my own life is an occasion when my lover was taking me out to dinner.  Throughout the evening, it was clear that our waiter – a cute and energetic, probably gay man – believed that I was in the driver’s seat.  He asked me if we’d like a drink to start with.  He stood behind her and looked at me, asking if we were ready to order.  He took the same position when it came time to ask me if we were going to have dessert and placed the check securely on my side of the table when it came time to close out.  I kept trying to direct him to her as the decision maker, and he stubbornly kept coming back to me.

I ended up being amused, she ended up being frustrated.  Then we ended up having a conversation about masculine privilege.  I hadn’t fully realized what was going on so she gave me a point-by-point run-down of how the waiter had deferred to me and had assumed that as the masculine member of the couple I must be in control of the money and decision making.  From that point forward, I started paying more attention to how my masculinity was effecting the way people treated me, especially when I was with someone who presented in a more feminine way.

This is what I observed:  the more masculine I presented, the more men and other masculine-of-center people treated me as an equal, respected my opinions and trusted what I had to say, i.e., believed I had expertise when I said I did.  I observed that the deference shown to me was in direct contrast to the way they treated my more feminine companions.  Whereas it was assumed that I knew what I was talking about, and space was given to me to express my opinions, my companions are more often talked over, argued with and discounted.

In a recent conversation on this topic, someone asked, well, is all that really privilege?  What advantage does it give?  Well, first let’s start by considering – or remembering – how it feels when you are the one who is not listened to, considered an equal or trusted to have credible information.  On the job, that easily translates into less influence in the workplace, less power and therefore, less opportunity.  In contrast, if I’m receiving masculine privilege at work, I’ll have more influence on decision making, probably leading to my having more opportunities.  And because there are still more male managers than female ones, if I’m seen as one of the guys, I’ll gain favor just on that basis.

Can you get this kind of privilege even if you are a female identified masculine-of-center person?  Sure.  As someone who’s gender identity is rarely recognized at a glance, I can tell you that people don’t know how you identify.  You may be a proud female identified individual of masculine presentation but you’ll still get more privilege than someone who is more feminine presenting.  It’s not about how you see yourself, it’s how the world sees you.

Let’s talk about why some masculine-of-center people might not believe they are the recipients of privilege.  From my experience, that’s because we are all to aware of some of the not so great things about being recognized as a gender transgressor.  As someone who is perceived as a butch lesbian or a trans guy or a ‘what the fuck are you’ in public, I know very well how dangerous it can be to be so obviously queer.  And again, it doesn’t matter how I identify, it only matters how I am perceived.  The presence of oppression (higher percentage of chances of being seen as queer and assaulted for it) does not eliminate the existence of privilege (age, class, ability, skin color, perceived gender).  The femmes and feminine presenting people I know have a flip side to this, they are more likely to be seen as straight, therefore not as likely to be targets of homophobic violence but will be the recipients of gender based oppression plus, often not recognized as queer by their community and therefore not receiving the support of that community.

Lots of us will experience a mix of oppression and privilege throughout our lives.  The presence of privilege doesn’t negate our oppression and oppression doesn’t cancel out privilege.  My goal is to be aware of both and to understand how they each inform my attitude about the world and the world’s attitude about me.  Where I have privilege and power, I might have an opportunity.  Can I start a conversation with the people who are presenting me with masculine privilege?  Can I make space for my more feminine presenting companion to step up and take her space in the conversation?  Can my awareness be a tool in my activist toolbox and can I leverage my privilege in order to lift others up?  Or even better, to step down/aside and make space for them to make the move they desire to make?

As someone who does experience oppression, I have empathy with others who experience oppression, even if it is of a different sort.  I know what it’s like to be seen as inferior, as less capable and having my power taken from me by those who feel they are more worthy of that power.  Now, I could see this increasing masculine privilege I’m experiencing as a prize, something I deserve after all the years of gender and sexuality based oppression.  Or I could see it as the arbitrary boon it is.

And that’s the choice I am making, and reaffirming, every chance I get.  I won’t say I’m perfect at checking my privilege, I’m certainly not, I’m learning more all the time about the internal and external consequences of privilege.  I’m learning all the time how to be a better ally to other people and groups.

It’s probably the topic of another post to talk about how to be an ally but the first step is to ask the group you are trying to support how to be a better ally.  It continues with the art of listening and acknowledging that the oppressed group is the authority and even if we believe we have great ideas, if we are coming from privilege, we need to check ourselves and avoid pushing our agendas.  Our agendas are not important, our agendas need to be about us and our concerns, not a move to hijack someone else’s movement.  When we bring our privilege into a space that does not belong to us, our task is to be in support of that group, not in leadership.  That’s probably enough on that for now, like I said, that’s a topic that deserves its own post and if I write that post, I’d want to get other input for it.

For thoughts on this topic from a feminine presenting person’s perspective, please see this blog post by the Oregon Girl, aka FathomlessFemme.

This content is published under the Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported license.

Posted in anti-oppression work | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Six Years And Counting

As of today, Butchtastic is 6 years old. On past blogaversaries, I’ve thrown together a post with some stats and thanked my readers and the other folks who’ve helped me along the way.

And though I want to do something a little different this time, I do still want to thank you for making this blog a part of your internet neighborhood. Readers have come and gone, comments are not as common as they used to be but there are still people who take the time to let me know that they still value what I’m doing here. Thank you very much, I value you, too.

I has been six years since I started blogging here and about six and a half since I had the ah-ha moment that lead to this blog. But more than that, it has been six+ years since I started on a path that has led to where I am now. And I know that my whole life is a path that has led to where I am now, but this last almost 7 years signifies growth similar to puberty. And includes a lot of similar aspects to puberty.

When I started this blog, I was in the midst of a rebirth. Within one year, I’d become poly, started writing erotica for the first time, reconnected with my butch identity and reunited with my first girlfriend – 25 years after we first became lovers.
I had decided that I wouldn’t wait any longer to ‘become a writer’, which really meant ‘to start writing’ because I have always been a writer. I’d written a smutty story for my girlfriend and I enjoyed it not just because she liked it but because it fun to write. I got the idea from Sugarbutch Chronicles. Sinclair wrote in a way that fit my internal dialogue about sex and sensuality and I thought that if there was one butch erotic writer with a growing audience of fans, maybe there was room for another.

My butchness came back to me with my girlfriend, and that’s no coincidence. I had identified as butch in high school, when we’d first been involved. It felt very natural to be the butch to her femme, natural and really satisfying. This rediscovery of myself as a butch person was also the starting point for my exploration of gender, identity and a lot of the themes and topics explored on this blog.

I didn’t just rediscover my butchness, in some ways I returned to the age I was when she and I first got together. It was as though I was a seventeen year old again, but this time with adult power and agency. It was as though we’d both stepped back in time and restarted the love affair that was interrupted by her parents. My libido kicked into high gear and I became very self-centered and focused on the high of our sexual relationship and the rediscovery of my masculine self. It was a heady time with both positives and negatives. My ego flowered to an obnoxious degree and I neglected my wife and family for a while.

The desire to have another chance at a relationship with my first girlfriend was the impetus to my wife and I opening up our relationship. So along with the headiness of returning to masculinity and having a hot and heavy affair with my girlfriend, I was negotiating and navigating poly with my wife. Oh, and we welcomed our second child into the world during the first couple of years of the blog.

Within a few months of starting my blog, I fell in love with Roxy and we had our high-profile and amazing relationship on the pages of our blogs as well as twitter for four years. And all along, with new relationships and new human beings and new identities and exploring D/s for the first time, I kept writing. I started with erotica and continued with posts about identity, explorations on gender, relationships, kink and D/s. I’ve submitted short stories and a couple of been published. I’ve fallen in love, broken up, fallen in love again. I’ve made so many friends from all over the place through this blog and I can’t imagine life without them in it.

Now, a few of you have been around since the beginning. You’ve seen my highs and lows, I’m sure you have your own opinions on all that has transpired (and I know some people’s opinions aren’t very positive). From where I stand now, if I were to draw a graph of some kind to map the ups and downs of the last 6 years, the early part of that graph would be a lot of really high highs and some very low lows. Not a lot of flat lines, that’s for sure. I think the line of my graph now has a median higher than it was in the beginning, certainly higher than it was before I started the blog (and all of the other life changes that started back then). My highs are still very high, but I have less low lows. I feel like I’ve reached a new mid-level in terms of my day to day life, my new normal is higher than it used to be. In otherwords, my life contains more happiness, less depression and sadness, more excitement and less fear, more love and less insecurity.

I sometimes get in the mood to look back and reread early blog posts and I feel fortunate to have such an accessible record of this period of my life. My feelings about reading earlier posts is mixed, still. Some of what I read makes me happy, thrills me, impresses me… sometimes the sadness of loss is overwhelming. Sometimes I’m embarrassed, but I won’t go back and edit out those less than proud moments. This is my life as I’ve lived it and I’m pretty happy with where I am now and where I’m going. All of the posts on this blog, plus what I never posted, comprise my incredible journey from insecure, unfulfilled, unrealized and unhappy to self-aware, self-actualizing, excited to live and happier than I have ever been.

You know that question where someone asks you what you would change if you could edit something about your past? There are only a few moments I would truly want to change and those are the times when my actions resulted in hurting someone. Otherwise, I wouldn’t change any of it because I am so happy with where I am now.

Thanks for reading this blog, for coming along for the ride. I just renewed the domain and hosting for another year. Let’s make this year even more amazing than the previous 6. Onward, Year 7 of Butchtastic!

 

This content is published under the Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported license.

Posted in blogaversary | Tagged | 5 Comments

My Kind of Feminism

The Oregon Girl asked this question:

Feminism, what does it mean to you? Do you consider yourself a feminist? If not, why not?

… this was my response:

Feminism to me is a philosophy and life approach that sees all people as having equal standing regardless of category or appearance. I want people of any gender to have an equal chance to pursue their dreams and loves and life goals. I have been a feminist as a female identified queer person and now as a trans identified masculine person. The idea of feminism is constant for me, but the way I embody, promote and support it has changed. It has changed because I am aware of my increasing male privilege and I know that the mechanisms I employed as a feminist who was seen as female will not be received the same way as they were then. For example, as a perceived female person, I learned to step up, speak up, create space for myself. As an
increasingly male perceived person, those same actions would look to be the typical man using his privilege to take space, speak over others, dominate conversations. So now my tactic is turning toward facilitation. I want to make space for others, I want to hold my tongue and allow time and space for others to step up and speak out. I want to encourage and support others in finding their voice and learning to take space in discussions. My feminism includes acknowledging my privilege and working to change the way I walk in the world so that my privilege does not negatively impact others. So my feminism includes working against classism, racism, sexism, misogyny, ablism and other systems of oppression.

Someone could argue that my way of defining feminism is broader than the definition others might use, but I can’t see the point in fighting sexism and misogyny if I’m not also going to fight other forms of oppression.

This content is published under the Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported license.

Posted in allyship, anti-oppression work | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Commitments

During my yoga practice this morning, we were thinking and meditating on how we spend our time and what ‘habits of frequency’ we engaged in as a part of our self-care and as a part of our involvement with those we love and our communities.

My thoughts tumbled around in my head and the word/intention that emerged was:

Commitment

As I often do when meditating, this thought started in the center of me and rippled outward.

What and who am I committed to with relation to myself?  To my family?  To my lovers?  To my friends and community?

I am committed to caring for my body, this flesh container I was born into.  I am committed to being generous and loving with myself, to being patient- even when it’s hard – with myself about habits and thought patterns I am not happy about having.  I am committed to starting with myself when I think about who I am responsible for and to.  I am devoted to the process of self-awareness and for becoming aware of my privilege and blind spots so that I might understand how those impact the way I walk in the world and how I might use my privilege to lift others up.  I am committed to taking better care of my physical body, as it is the only one I have and it has, and continues to, serve me well.  Without taking good care of myself, I cannot care for anyone the way I would like to.

I am committed to loving, nurturing and role-modeling for my daughters.  It is important to me to model my values and to support them as they work toward self-reliance and self-determination.  My goal is that they become responsible, caring adults who take responsibility for their own actions and also, for doing the work required to make the world a place they want to live in.  I am committed to being available to them for focused attention and to bear witness to their triumphs and struggles.

I am committed to my wife, my companion and partner for 21 years and counting.  I am devoted to the family and home we have created, to being a partner in the endeavor of continuing to build a strong and loving home together.  I am committed to giving her focused attention and to be a witness to her commitment and hard work, and to be a loving and generous ear to her struggles and dreams.  I want to build on our successes, learn from our failures and always move forward with best intent.

I am committed to my girlfriend, my new love, the new fire in my heart.  Oregon Girl went from a hot ember to a steady flame very quickly and yet it feels as though she’s always been in my heart, waiting for me to discover her.  I am committed to the intentional, authentic and open-hearted relationship we are building together.  I am devoted to my role as her lover, her boyfriend and her friend.  In each of those capacities, I will offer positive, constructive and loving energy.  I am also committed to being my most real, authentic self, allowing myself to be vulnerable and to let her in to my deepest core spaces.

I am committed to my lover, the strong, warm and comfortable Hippy Goddess, who envelopes me with a sense of solidity and acceptance.  I will continue to look for ways we can spend time together, despite the challenges our schedules sometimes pose.  I am devoted to being a friend who is a lover, making space to bear witness to her struggles and triumphs, the ways life brings joy and hardship.  I will make time for hugs and snuggles to aid in her healing process.

I am committed to close friends, friends I’ve known for years and some who are have only recently entered my life.  I am committed to spending time with them, bringing them together or joining their gatherings.  I am continually delighted and fulfilled by the various talents and energies and lessons my friends bring into my life.

I am committed to my community, to bearing witness to the hardships others face even while I live comfortably.  To always seek ways in which I can bring joy and comfort to someone else’s life, preferring to do so one-on-one but accepting that sometimes I will contribute to larger causes.  I am committed to living intentionally, to always looking for how I can improve my positive impact and lessen my negative footprint on my neighborhood, city, state, country, world.  I will hold myself accountable for my actions and cultivate humility in myself.  I will endeavor to come up with solutions and positive ways to address issues rather than focus on blame.

I am committed to being a better person tomorrow than I was yesterday.  Some of the ways I will accomplish this will be internal, many will be acted out externally, in my interactions with the people in my life.  I am committed to making those interactions as positively impactful as possible.

This content is published under the Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 Unported license.

Posted in finding me, meditation, parenting, relationships | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment