Climbing out of the Sink Hole of Self-Doubt

Posted on May 17, 2012 by Kyle

I had one of those days yesterday. One of those days when I question myself and my identity.  I fell prey to an old envy, the envy I sometimes feel when I find out a butch or genderqueer friend has decided to transition, definitively moving from one space in the gender cloud to another.  I don’t envy the difficulties they will face, the challenges and the questions and the multitude of follow-on decisions that come with transition.  The envy comes from the decision, the recognition of a destination of sorts.  I am sometimes not sure of my destination, other times I recognize that I am at my destination, even as my journey of self-discovery and exploration continues.

So I went through a round of self-examination that was a bit brutal.  It tends to happen most when I learn that genderqueer butch identified people have decided they are fully transgender and have made the decision to transition.  That hits me in the core of where I am and I wonder if I’m just in denial, if I’m just avoiding the decision to transition out of fear.

As I said in a Facebook status last night:

Sometimes I wonder if my gender identity isn’t just a gigantic ball of indecisiveness dressed up to look like it knows what it’s doing.

A friend chimed in right away, another butch identified genderqueer, and one of my best friends.  I’m not alone, is what they said to me, they feel this way a lot.  That helped, it helps to know you’re not alone.  A conversation with Roxy this morning also helped, she reassured me that I am not a pretend bi-gender, not faking genderqueer identity, that from what she could see, I was as authentic as anyone could be.  Hearing things like that helps, it really does and I’m climbing out of the depression I was wallowing in last night.  I think a big part of the challenge of my identity is not being visible in the fullness of who I am.  I’m guessing that when most people look at me they see either ‘butch dyke’ or ‘transgender man-to-be’.   I’m neither and both, but most people don’t see all that complexity and it’s hard to communicate without handing everyone in my life a page-long essay.

Am I a fiercely identified genderqueer or a gender-middle-muddle?  Both, I think, at least for now.  I do hope that someday I can come home to me and not worry or question doubt my core truths.  Even though I can’t imagine not being on an exploratory journey of some kind to the end of my days, I hope I can settle down happily in some respects because these sink holes of self-doubt and self-pity are tiring and unhealthy.

 [Note:  Because I value my friends and their wonderful partners, I want to say again that I do not mean to minimize or trivialize the difficulty all of them have been through to reach this point.  Transition is less a direct route to a destination and more a series of potential paths, each with its own pluses and minuses for all involved.  And no amount of transitioning magic does what most transgender people seeking it truly want:  to have been born with the body matching their gender identity.  When I say that I have some envy for those who choose to head in that direction, I do not mean to say it has been an easy choice or that the path will be easy from that point forward, only that at times I fear that I am in denial and that I envy what seems to be a clarifying moment that these individuals have had.  Though I have had many clarifying moments, the times when I feel confused and unclarified are scary.  And in those moments, I feel that envy.  ]

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Suburban Butch Dad Report: Home Remedy

Posted on May 15, 2012 by Kyle

Hello blog friends, I’ve been having quite a roller-coaster couple of weeks.  The actual calendar events aren’t all that impressive, but my moods have been swinging like the 20s.  Yes, it is possible that I am entering that phase that starts with ‘men’ and ends with ‘pause’, though honestly it’s been on my mind to unpause men… ahhh, well.  Hormones out of whack? Maybe.  A bit extra chunky for what my body is comfortable with?  Yeah, definitely.  Frustrated with myself for not doing any kind of bike commuting for almost a year?  Yes, that as well.  Feeling sad and mopey and missing my lover and feeling like it will never get better again?   Ohgodyessosomuch.

What did I do about it?  I moaned and complained on Facebook, I think I ranted on Twitter, too.  I vented and curled up on Roxy’s lap for comfort (in a virtual sense) — we’ve been taking turns, she’s not having any Barbie Dream Picnic either.  I’ve had some wretched days and weekends where I felt the bank of my energy and passion overdrawn.  I’ve felt as though the flesh container of my body was so full of toxic foul moods and held-back feelings and the stress of HOLDING-IT-ALL-TOGETHER-FOR-EVERYONE-ELSE that I was sure I’d burst open and it would all finally be over.

But I recovered each time.  With huge helpings of Roxy’s warm, loving, encouraging words.   Through the sweet giggling antics of my three year old and the wiser-than-her-age compassion and empathy of my 12 year old.  Through the echo-sounding of my friends letting me know through the fog of self-recrimination and doubt that I wasn’t alone.

And then I decided to do something about it.

A friend suggested a hormone test, to see if I’d entered the land of even wonkier hormonal surge and fail, but I’ll wait for my annual to broach that subject with my NP.  I decided to first tackle two items from my list of self loathing failures:  my weight and the lack of exercise in my life.  My weight bothers me not because I think I should have some svelte, hunky 20-somethings body (a little young for me, most likely), but because I have been very dis-eased lately.  I can feel in my back and my joints that I need to drop and tighten.  I’ve had some moments recently where I didn’t need a cuff to tell me my blood pressure had risen to alarming levels.  Unease in my body leads to lack of confidence, discomfort in my body leads to poor sleep, and all of that leads to deep holes of black depression that I end up feeling I deserve to be left in.

So, I’ve started biking to work again.  Not all the way, it’s 10 miles each way to my current consulting gig so I’m doing my own park and ride.  I drive to my company’s office and bike the remaining 3.7 miles.  Well, I’ve done it once so far, and will do it again tomorrow and hope to get into a rhythm of 3-4 times a week.  When I was in the heyday of bike commuting a few years ago, it was 4.5 miles each way, so this is very doable.  Once it gets easy, I’ll choose a new starting point.  Eventually it becomes a matter of time, as in, how much time can I give myself to get to and from work, considering how busy my family is these days.

I started reclaiming my biking legs this past weekend, with a 5 mile loop with  my big kid.  We rode to a local bike store to pick up a biking map of the county, then over to Big Tom’s for excellent milkshakes, then to Twister Donuts for treats to bring home.  It was nice, and I did better than I had expected, which gave me confidence to tackle the ride on Monday.  The bonus was spending time with my big kid, who I adore (except when she’s acting like a teenager, which is more and more frequently).  She’s so much like me, sometimes talking to her is like talking to a younger version of me.

And that’s my home remedy for the deep, dark, stinky, suffocating blues that have been dogging me lately.  It’s not a complete cure, I had trouble sleeping last night because my brain decided to obsess on negative shit, and got more and more bizarre about what it threw at me.  When I did sleep, I had mean sad nightmares.  So this morning was hard again, feeling physically drained and on the edge of tears.  And, once again, Roxy helped me up out of the hole. Even though she was also on the edge of tears.  I’m a lucky boy, that’s for damned sure.

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Reviewing Tickle My Tush

Posted on May 13, 2012 by Kyle

When I was approached by TickleKitty to review this book, I was skeptical.  From the book’s title, to the chapter headings to the cover art, Tickle My Tush hit me like a giggly gaggle of sorority girls in a sex toy shop on a dare.  So, before I said yes to the review, I checked out Dr. Sadie Allison (America’s Pleasure Coach) online and looked at some of the promo information on the book.  The whole thing was so hetero-centric that I emailed back to say that I wasn’t sure I was the right person for the job, that given the queer and gender variant slant of my blog — and most of my readers — I wasn’t sure about the book’s appeal.  The response was that they wanted me to check it out, that they wanted to hear what a queerly gendered person thought about the book.

And now I’ll tell you.  It is chock-full of puns, an ass-load, in fact, of tongue-in-cheeks, cutesy terms and phrases and inside jokes.  So many of them that they do get a bit too much at times, but I think the purpose of them is to use that humor to loosen people up, so to speak, to lower their guard in that wonderful way humor has, so they can approach a topic that is really taboo and scary for some — butt sex.  This is not just a book about penetration, it’s a book about preparation for potential penetration.

Each chapter contains lists of cleverly named techniques to illustrate the points of the chapter, as well as checklists to help readers understand what they want out of anal sex and how to communicate to their partners about those desires, as well as the terms to use in that communication.  As Dr. Allison graphically and repeatedly explains, there’s a lot more to butt sex than just pokin’ and pumpin’.  Detailed descriptions of how to use fingers, tongues, mouth and other body parts get the imagination going.

For those of us of non-hetero sexuality and non-binary gender, a downside is that the illustrations and advice are very heavily heterosexual.  However, if you can see past that, you’ll find plenty that will be useful no matter what your lover’s gender or physical layout might be.

There is a lot of emphasis on foreplay, on pre-heating, getting lubed, safety and cleanliness, communicating and taking your time — great advice for sexual encounters no matter what kind of bodies and genders are involved.  There is a great discussion on points of stimulus and how they differ for people with male vs female sex organs — the G-spot and the He-spot get plenty of attention with diagrams and suggestions for techniques to use.  I found that potentially useful, being a person who is interested in queer sex with people born with male bits.

There is a full chapter on sex toys, with a run down of various styles and the pluses and minuses of each, with a discussion on safety and smart shopping — how to check for quality products, which lubes to use based on the material your toys are made of (water based is the safest), etc.

Another chapter talks about strap-on sex, including information on different strap-on harness styles and some suggested positions for pegging.  The final chapter is about positioning for anal penetration of the female partner.  Chapter 2 contains a FAQ of questions most likely to be asked by those curious but potentially a bit leery about butt sex, and there is also a brief FAQ at the end of the book if, somehow, all your questions have not been answered by then.

I appreciated the frank way Dr. Allison presents the information, not shying away from ‘organics’ or gas or any of the other potentially ‘icky’ issues people may have about anal sex.  That matter of fact approach goes a long way in balancing the almost cloying sweetness layered on by pages of puns.  This book is full of facts, advice, options, and encouragement, which makes it not just a great resource for people who are looking to get busy in the booty, but also for those of us experienced with back door hotness.

I’m feeling mixed about this book, because the material is great but the approach is a bit too cutesy, and the complete heterosexual bias and lack of mention of any other sexual preference (besides reassuring readers that anal sex isn’t gay unless you’re already gay.  That said, I don’t feel queer people are dissed in this book, just not really spoken to as a potential audience).

For all these reasons, I’m giving “Tickle My Tush: Mild-to-Wild Analplay Adventures for Everybooty” 3 boots.. and a thanks to TickleKitty for sending it to me for review.  You can get it for under $15 on TickleKitty’s website and possibly other places, and I recommend it for people who would like to explore anal play — You’ll fair better with this book than by watching porn, that’s for sure.

fullbootfullbootfullboot

Disclaimer:  I don’t receive payment for reviewing TickleKitty books, but I do get to keep the books I review.  I’m under no pressure to provide positive reviews and I promise to give you the truth about each book as I see it.

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Current Events: Does it Get Better?

Posted on May 10, 2012 by Kyle

Yesterday, I was feeling majorly irritated at almost everything.  Here’s a couple things I posted on Facebook that kinda sum things up:

I make it a point not to live in a protected bubble, not to shy away from the hard realities of the world, whether they directly effect me or not.. but it’s hard sometimes to keep up the optimism when police officers beat a mentally ill homeless man to death, and when transgender women of color are killed just for being and no one in the media cares, or when yet another story comes out of some asshat somewhere declaring that women or queers or trans people or colored people or whoever is not quite good enough to have equal rights and that their religion backs up that opinion. And that the founding fathers didn’t really mean equal rights for *all*, just some of the all — membership of which is determined by the asshats, of course. It makes me weary and sick in my soul. And of course, it all effects me, even if I’m not a person of color or a citizen in a state banning equal rights. It effects all of us because we’re humans and the personal or institutional degradation of any one of us is an attack on all of us. Our collective humanity is under attack, all over the world. Sometimes, it’s hard to breathe outside of the bubble.

And then this, while a lot of folks were putting on party hats and virtually slapping the POTUS’s back and envisioning him as a hero for riding in like a superhero on a rainbow colored unicorn by FINALLY making a statement in support of marriage equality:

While it is good news that President Obama is going public about personally embracing marriage equality for all, I would have been much more excited and energized if this announcement had come 2 or more years ago. I wonder about the difference it might have made to have him taking a strong leadership role for our civil rights from the beginning. He still believes states should be deciding who gets the privilege of civil marriage and we’ve had ample opportunity to see how that works.

And I’m thinking beyond marriage equality. That’s just a symptom of the rampant disease of bigotry, homophobia, transphobia and ‘other-ism’ being embraced by a lot of loud mouthed ‘leaders’. Where they lead, others follow as is obvious by the hostility, violence and discrimination so many of us still face. I’m hungry for true leadership, the kind that doesn’t wait for an issue to have momentum or popular support. The leaders I most admire are the ones who step out from the crowd and speak the truth without apology and regardless of the effect it will have on votes or popularity. I’m still wishing for that kind of President.

I’m not the only one who isn’t starting a parade to celebrate Obama’s announcement.  There’s a post on Gawker right now with a much less diplomatic response, Barack Obama’s Bullshit Gay Marriage Announcement.  And I’m seeing more of the same both in online media and in conversations with friends.

Lukewarm feelings, ya know?

 

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Supporting CeCe McDonald

Posted on May 7, 2012 by Kyle

There is an event on Facebook today encouraging us to do whatever we can to support CeCe McDonald who was recently convicted for fighting back against transphobic attackers.  Her self-defense resulted in the death of one of them, and she’s now serving a 41 month sentence for the crime of defending herself while being brutally attacked.  There’s a great story in Ebony online, and more out there if you want to get caught up with this case.

CeCe is a transgender woman, a woman of color, yet another victim in a long list of transgender women of color who’ve been the victims of violent crime based on their transgender status.  I know the color of their skin is playing a huge role in the lack of popular outrage and the injustice in how their cases are, and have been, handled.  But I’m not a person of color, I’m on the outside, feeling rage and a sick feeling.  Even though I’m not a person of color, as a transgender person, as a person who routinely kicks the nuts of expected gender presentation, I don’t feel immune to the threat of that kind of violence.  It has to stop, trans people need equal protection and equal justice.  We all need to make a lot of noise whenever injustice occurs, no matter who it is, or where, or what that person was doing.  No one deserves to be attacked. Period.

Speak out if you can, please.

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Another Trans Woman Murdered… Why Isn’t it Big News?

Posted on May 1, 2012 by Kyle

When Trayvon Martin was gunned down walking home from a convenience store, we all heard about it.  It was (and still is) huge news, earning huge media response and outrage.

On April 29th, Brandy Martell, an African American trans woman, was gunned down in Oakland while sitting in her car.  She wasn’t any more armed than Martin was but have you seen anything in the papers?  Anything on the ‘go to’ news outlets?  Me either.  As much as trans and gender non-conforming individuals have been making strides this year in terms of rights and more positive media exposure, perhaps the unprovoked death of a trans person is just not as compelling as that of a teenage boy. (note: I’m not saying either death is more important than the other, this is a statement about media attention).

Holly Fogleboch, whom I met at Butch Voices Oakland last year, is trying to change that by getting the word out.  She been contacted by 3 news reporters so far today to talk about the murder and what is (and is not) happening as a result.  Why Fogleboch?  Because she emailed the SFWeekly, inspiring them to write this short piece.  She’s hoping to step back in favor of Brandy’s family and friends as soon as they are willing and able.

Some bloggers and online media outlets have picked up the story, and the outrage.

From DailyKos, posted 4/30:

37-year-old Brandy Martell was sitting behind the wheel of her car around 5:15 a.m. at when one or two men walked up and began a conversation. A witness told ABC7 the conversation was cordial, but then.. one of the men became angry and fired into the car right where Martell was sitting.

“When you don’t provide a space in society for people who you think are the other or different, especially transgender women, especially transgender women of color, when you don’t provide spaces for them to be in a safe environment or a safe space, whether it’s socializing or services, this is what happens,” Martell’s friend Tiffany Woods told ABC7.

The DailyKos article refers to an post on ABC, at that time the only major media outlet to acknowledge the murder.

Blogger Monica Roberts, of TransGriot posted today:

Another day, another Black transwoman killed somewhere. and as a Daily Kos postnoted, nobody gave a damn.   Correction, nobady gave a damn except her friends, family and other Black transwomen and our allies around the country who are saying to themselves there but for the grace of God go I.

Holly contacted me (as well as others) to help get the word out.  Please do what you can and feel comfortable with to help get some media attention to this case.  Here’s an excerpt from what Fogleboch posted to her Facebook page:

Dear ones-

I was at the Kentucky Fried Woman burlesque show last night in Oakland and at the end of the night Krista the MC announced that there was a vigil going on a few blocks away for a transwoman who had been killed on Saturday night.  I went over to the vigil and found a blocked off street, candles & balloons, and pictures of the woman who had been killed.  Her name was Brandy Martell.  Her family members were there and speaking to the gathering, tearful and raw.  Other people who had witnessed the murder were telling their stories too.  The crowd was made up of a wide assortment of friends, family, Occupiers and others drawn to the candles. As you’d expect this was not an organized moment, just raw raw grief at this senseless loss.

The Facebook note is public, so you should be able to read the whole thing if you have a FB account.

And finally a blog post by feral-femme, “100% indulgent self documentation, unashamed brown queer femme trans rage, and perseverance toward decolonizing body & heart & soul & fucking & land.”

I mostly do not know what to write about Brandi’s murder other than that I am deeply disturbed by the lack of reaction and passivity of many of the people around me. Obviously the mainstream news is not going to report on this without a fucking uproar. Obviously the paramedics did not arrive on the scene until she had been dead for twenty minutes in the lap of an #OO medic. Obviously the institutions that consistently support and uplift the lifes of straight, cis, and white people would be silent on her death. But I am generally appalled by the lack of response and apparent lack of mourning on the behalf of so many people in my life. I am the only trans person who lives in my house, and I feel lucky that last night enough friends were over/staying with us that I was able to sit on my front porch with three other lovely trans folk and cry, and talk clearly and plainly about how much we hate cis people, how we are afraid of being able to survive, how there are no safe spaces for us — not even in our own bodies. I am becoming disallusioned with spending time with any cis people at all, because even when I think that they might “get” me, there are times when the only way I can feel any shreds of safety is to be only with other trans folks, preferably trans folks of color. I wish I had been at her memorial last night, but my friend’s check-in about their time at the memoria/vigil makes it sound like it was dominated by screaming white cis bros (gay and straight) who didn’t know Brandi at all.

I hope in the coming days, we’ll see more media and blog attention.  Brandy’s friends and family are understandably still in raw shock, but I’m hoping we’ll hear from them as well, so we can hear first hand what they need in terms of support from the larger community.

 

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For Fans of UncommonCuriosity

Posted on May 1, 2012 by Kyle

I was contacted recently by a reader who wondered why Roxy’s UncommonCuriosity blog is now inaccessible.  Judging by the traffic reflected in my stats, others of you may be wondering what’s going on, so she asked me to post this message for all of you.

I’m not going to go into the specifics of why the blog has been taken down, but I assure you it’s for a good reason.  She hopes to be able to bring the blog back at some point in the future.  Until then, please do whatever your beliefs and traditions suggest for sending positive energy and love in her direction.

Thank you all for your love and support, it’s been a blessing and a source of great positive energy for both of us.

Thank you.

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Reviewing Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica

Posted on April 27, 2012 by Kyle

Buy this book!

I didn’t have to open this book to know I’d like it.  As soon as I found out Sinclair Sexsmith would have a hand in choosing stories for this anthology, I knew it would be good.  I figured it would have more stories that I really liked and admired than ones I didn’t.  The truth is, this anthology is so damned good, I couldn’t find a truly bad story in here. Full disclosure:  I submitted a story for this anthology and after reading the submissions that were selected, I can agree to the choice not to include mine.  This time.  Almost all hit the ‘wet my briefs’ level of quality fairly quickly.  The diversity of stories, the pacing, the arrangement, were all very well done.  Definitely one of the best anthologies I’ve read, overall content quality was superb.

But it’s more than a collection of hot sex scenes.  No really.  Great depictions of realistic D/s, with negotiation and communication and respect – aspects of D/s that are vital to mutually satisfying experiences.  Consent is Sexy!  Pass it on….

The anthology is heavy with butch/femme characters, which I’d expected so I was happy to see a butch-butch pairing and gender binary non-conforming characters as well.  I’m hoping to see these kinds of characters become more common in queer erotica, partly because I think its great to expose the erotica reading public to experiences and desires of transgressive people.  As Sinclair says in the forward, defining BDSM is a tricky business but I think this collection does a pretty good job of showing a nice diversity of BDSM and kink.  Also, presenting a collection of ‘lesbian’ erotica is a tricky business these days, partly because of all us faab gender transgressing folks who fall outside the traditional definition and understanding of ‘lesbian’, but fall well inside the definition of ‘queer’.  So an alternative title might be Queer BDSM Erotica from the Perspective of Female-Assigned-at-Birth Persons… but that’s a bit clunky.

Regardless the identity of the characters, I found myself identifying easily with one or more in each story.  Dommes, doms, Sirs, Ma’ams, Daddies and girls, Daddies and bois, subs of all kinds – switchy pervert that I am, I wanted to be all of them.

A friend asked me what my favorite story in the collection was and that is an incredibly hard call to make.  This is a helluva collection.  Hot characters, hot sexy scenes, leather, strap-ons, moisture, muscles, high heels, demin, and not one but several alley ways.  Walls are important to BDSM erotica, especially brick ones, especially if they are in alleys.  In fact, through several stories I amused myself with the idea of a Say Please drinking game:  every time you read about a character being slammed, held or pushed against a wall, drink.  When it’s a brick wall, drink twice.

The bottom line is, you should get this book.  If you love your erotica queer and hot and full of impact and juicy body parts, buy this book.  If you like reading stories that make your body parts juicy and/or hard, buy this book.

Seriously, here’s the link:  Say Please, Lesbian BDSM Erotica, Cleis Press, edited by Sinclair Sexsmith, they’re selling it for $14.95 before taxes and shipping and that is a steal.  One warning:  don’t read it unless you’ve got time to, uh, get hands-on, so to speak.  Unless you’re a masochist, which apparently I am, reading major chunks of this collection while dangerously horny and missing my lover and unable to do anything about it.

Now, for those of you still reading, here are my review notes:

Reviewer’s Log, 4/17/2012

Baseball Cap, Miriam Zoila Perez.  good, well written and with a unique take on impact.  Makes me want more impact though, and a lot more sadism.

First Ride, Wendi Kali.  Great pacing, takes you out slowly and builds up, finishing with a satisfying roar you can feel.  I know Wendi, and I know this is her first published piece and I am very, very impressed.  It stands out as one of the best pieces in this anthology.  Love the way the sub character reacts to the narrator claiming the Daddy role… delicious.  This one grabbed me and didn’t let go.  Definite wet briefs.  The next three have kept it up, so to speak.

A Slap In The Face, Rachel Kramer Bussel, takes me back to some hot memories of my own, while giving me new ideas for the future.  Memories from both sides of that act: the feeling of invigoration and lust I felt when my Sir slapped me for the first time.  The feeling heat, power and guilt I felt delivering blows myself.  Really, really good.

Housewife, Gigi Frost.  Kept me in a state of continual erotic agitation.  As I read it, I could feel my switchy nature dropping into each role and enjoying both sides of the power exchange.  Hot, hot, hot story.  Rounding out the first five,

Call Me Sir, BB Rydell.  Brings it all together with hot power exchange between a sassy bottom and a tough, gristled butch top who’s seen it all.  The image of older butch mentor and young wannabe butch fag resonates very deeply with me and, as with the previous story, I could feel a lot of empathy with both characters.  And by empathy, I mean I want to be the kid getting ‘mentored’ really hard and the older butch doing the ‘mentoring’.  Ahem.  One of my favorites in this collection.  Makes me want to go do some mentoring…

And that concludes the first installment, now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go ‘adjust’ my button fly.

Reviewer’s Log, 4/19

All of Me, Amelia Thornton.  Wow… really well told story, with a switcharoo… I love that.  This is an “I wish I’d written it myself” story for me.  Great line:  ”I can hear the whisper coming out of my mouth and tiptoeing into your ear.”  Really enjoy this writer’s style and voice, will look for more by them.  Definitely a favorite.

Reviewer’s Log, 4/23

Taking Direction by Vie Le Guerre.  Wow.. so much good about this story, so hot.  Watching and directing, being in control and being so under the control of another.  Really hot, hot story, great twist on the double-team fantasy.

Black Hanky by Sassafras Lowrey.  Loved the details, could feel (and smell) the carpet fibers, feel the heat and sweat.  Great description of settling into the pain, of sub-space and the motivation for pushing oneself to that point, and beyond.  All for the reward of ‘good, boi’.  Extra points for non-binary gendered characters.

Hmmm.. it’s late, can I squeeze one more in?  Yes…

The Cruelest Kind, Kiki DeLovely.   …. brick alley walls, not for the first time in this anthology, apparently a lot of people share that fetish with me.  Possession, domination, dangerous risky teasing… getting what’s coming and … and then, Defiance! Risk taking!  Yeehah!  Oh and excellent use of a motorcycle.. and mindfuck and… yes… also, last line in this story is the best one so far.

Reviewer’s Log, 4/24

Spanking Booth, Dusty Horn.  My ass was full of wishful thoughts before I got halfway through this one.  ’Erotic’ has many forms, many definitions.  In the first part of this story, the narrator’s description of themselves is highly erotic, without any sexual contact.  I love the voice of this story.  This is an excellent telling from the top’s perspective… taking a sub from defiant to compliant to putty in her hand, all the while entertaining the audience with the flair of a big top circus master.  In the end, mutual seduction.  This is a favorite.

 Reviewer’s Log, 4/25

Going the Distance, Elaine Miller.  Some of the best, most detailed descriptions of sex can be found in this one.  I found myself slipping really deeply into it, so much of it reminded me of my own experiences, I was reliving them through the characters… and a story about an LDR right when I’m really missing and needing my lover so much.  Sexy, fierce, smart and forceful.  Love and poly and D/s and LDR… feels pretty damned familiar.  And hot.

Spoiled, Shawna Elizabeth.  Sweet, sweet, sweet… hot! hot! Hard! Mean! Discipline and sex.

Gentleman Caller, Sossity Chiricuzio.  Wow, excellent role play story.  I love playing so much, love that Roxy and I can slip so quickly into character.  These two remind me of us in some ways.  Hot and forceful, body positive.

Three Weeks and Two Days, Meridith Guy.  Ahhhh… cruelty, domination… the ache of wanting something and having to wait.. I know that too well…

Counting Love, August InFlux.  Another Daddy/girl story.  I like that there are a few in this collection.  Wow, hot Daddy/girl scene just the way we like to do it.  Damn… feels a bit like watching my girl and I play.

Purge, Maria See.  More LDR… painful and comforting to read about luggage and air ports and long time between contact.  Painful because we’re between contact right now, comforting because we’re not alone in it.  Ohhh.. and a collaring scene… love it.  Happy sigh remembering my own.  There is a touch of stiffness to the writing, but not enough to stop me reading it.

A Public Spectacle, D.L. King.  Mmmm.. public play, the buzz of being watched, the cone of protection your top creates around the two of you, allowing you to open fully to them.  mmmmm floggers… yum, sweet and terrible straps of thuddy-stingy pain-pleasure… juiciness, lots of it and the recognition that for some of us subs (maybe all?) if we don’t get enough pain, we can’t get into subspace, which means we don’t get what we need from the play.

 Reviewer’s Log, 4/26

The Keys, Anna Watson.  Oh, oh, yeahhhhh…. hot, dirty, nasty.  The out of town fuck fantasy, complete with hot domineering butch, the horny queer woman masquerading as a typical mom from the burbs.. forced to do nasty things in a public bathroom….

Coming of Age, Dilo Keith.  Reads a bit like D/s 101.  I’m a bit disappointed with the comments about body type and weight, they didn’t further the story and gave me the impression that the narrator (and writer) is somewhat fat phobic.  Overall, rather instructional and a little less hot for that.

Not Without Permission, Sinclair Sexsmith.  I’m a fan of this writer, a friend of this person and very familiar with her style.  That didn’t take away from the pleasure of reading this story.  Great line “She is liquid and soft, … entering her is like diving underwater.”  Nice… As usual, Sexsmith does a great job of expressing what’s going on in the head of the top, the sensations and motivations, some conflicting, and the way a top reads their sub.  So, somewhat instructional without being pedantic.  Ooooh.. orgasm control… love and hate it … so hard to do and so satisfying to accomplish, and the orgasm build up is amazing… waiting for permission, holding back until those much sought after words are uttered, “Come for me.”

Feathers Have Weight, Alysia Angel.  I’ve met this writer, in a bar in Olympia, we exchanged cards, though I’m sure she didn’t have a clue who I was, she was clearly someone … dynamic, powerful sexy.  Anyway, the story…. another alley way, more brick.  Great descriptive phrases, the story is bursting with them… Femme tops butch — wonderfully hot.  Femme becomes Daddy and tops butch boy — even hotter.  That transformation from femme/female presenting to demanding Daddy is really good.

Strong, Xan West.  I sighed a happy sigh of recognition as I began to read this story.  These were my kind of people, characters most like me, trans and genderqueer, using gender as a tool for play and exploration.  Control, head games, intelligent complex topping, appreciation of the strength of the sub, I like that a lot.  And, ah yes, riding through the pain to reach joy.  Also, of course, a wall plays a pivitol role.  To me BDSM is about breaking down internal walls and barriers, using external ones to hold us up and bound us.  Great description of the toll topping takes on the top.  Mmmm… knife play.. yessssss, crazy sexy knife play.  This story answers the question, “Which one was your favorite”.  Favorite.  Right here.

Unworthy As I Am, Elizabeth Thorne.   Yes.  This.  ”It was, I realized, exactly what I wanted, but that didn’t mean it didn’t frighten me to agree.”  That is a delicious moment.  It requires courage and strength and trust to allow yourself to ask for that which you want and that also deeply frightens you.  Part of the appeal of BDSM, and more specifically D/s, for me is being able to feel that fear and desire fully.  To have someone who appreciates that those go hand in hand with some of us.  And to have an agreement, the trust and understanding with someone that even if I react strongly, cry, shout, or even say “no”, that these are an indication of the process I am undergoing — the process of shedding that fear — fear of wanting things that are taboo, fear of pain, fear of failure, fear of my desire for that pain, shame about all of that.  I need someone strong enough to know I need to be pushed, that I want to be pushed, through those barriers – emotional and mental – so I can come out on the other side strong and victorious.  Pain for me is not the goal, I’m going for the reward bestowed by my Sir for pushing through that pain.  Come to think of it, this explains why I enjoyed cross country running so much in high school.

The end of this story made me tear up.  D/s doesn’t just turn me on, when it’s very well done it plays with my emotions as skillfully as it does my cock and clit.  This story was the perfect way to end the collection.  Well done, Sinclair. Bravo.

This collection is so good, my usual maximum rating of 5 boots just doesn’t seem like enough, so 6 boots for Say Please, the Lesbian BDSM Erotica anthology edited by Sinclair Sexsmith.

fullbootfullbootfullbootfullbootfullbootfullboot

Disclaimer:  I don’t receive payment for reviewing Clies Press books, but I do get to keep the books I review.  I’m under no pressure to provide positive reviews and I promise to give you the truth about each book as I see it.

 

 

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It came from teh Internetz ….

Posted on April 24, 2012 by Kyle

A tour of blog posts, articles and other internet offerings that have caught my attention recently.

First some news and happenings of interest to trans people and their allies:

Transgender 101:  15 things to know:  quick and catchy, power point style approach to what the author calls, what “people should know about transgenderism if it was their first foray into the area.”  I was a little disappointed in the minimal way “genderqueerism” was addressed, but that topic could take a good 15 points in and of itself, I suppose.

Navigating updated TSA policies for transgender people and sexual assault survivors :  I have skimmed this and will go back for another, deeper read.  This is like a follow-on to the article I posted about recently.  It goes into a bit more detail about the technology in use and how that may impact travelers who are gender binary non-conforming or others who transgress the norms in some way.

EEOC Ruling on Title VII covering gender-identity discrimination : an article on a recent EEOC ruling on a case that came before it claiming discrimination based on transgender status, “the EEOC states, ”[T]he Commission hereby clarifies that claims of discrimination based on transgender status, also referred to as claims of discrimination based on gender identity, are cognizable under Title VII’s sex discrimination prohibition ….”  A big deal, a ‘sea change’ as one of the people interviewed for the article put it.  ”To have just a clear, definitive EEOC ruling that Title VII protects transgender people gives us so much more certainty and security and solid, reliable legal protection. For decades now, advocates and scholars both have been saying Title VII should be applied to protect transgender people,” he says. ”And now, to have the EEOC confirm that, ‘Yes … Title VII should and does protect transgender people when they’re discriminated against because they’ve changed their sex or intend to change their sex or because they’re gender nonconforming. That is sex discrimination.’ That is really an important capstone.”

And now for something not quite so serious and heavy….

Have you started reading Salacious magazine yet?  Here’s a great deal, get either Salacious #2, Voyeur or #3, Leather for only $10 bucks a piece.   It’s a moving sale and they are priced to move.   Voyeur features a story I wrote called “Other Duties” and photos by Roxy, plus a whole lot of other great stories and art.  Leather is also a great edition.  My recommendation, get them both, they will not disappoint.   They also have CafePress swag: shirts, hoodies, iPhone cases, mugs and water bottles.

Continuing in the literary vein, Lambda Literary has posted an interview/conversation between Sinclair Sexsmith and Sassafras Lowery.  They talk about the recently published Lesbian BDSM Erotica anthology edited by the former, and the work in progress being edited by the latter called Leather Ever After.  They talk about what books and writing influenced them, about what ‘Leather’ means in terms of life and literature and the stigma still attached to the Leather community.  I felt like I was sitting  in a coffee shop at the table next to them, hoping it wasn’t obvious I was leaning closer in order to catch every word.

And lastly, a plug for the tumblr Roxy and I curate, GayLikeThis.  We don’t post often, but when we do, it’s something yummy.

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Posted in about writing, anti-oppression work, bdsm, calls for submission, entertainment, gender, gender non-conforming, in the news, internetz, transgender | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

New TSA Guidelines for Transgender Travelers

Posted on April 15, 2012 by Kyle

I’ve finally had a moment to read the new TSA guidelines for transgender travelers and I have to say, it looks pretty good.  At least at some levels, there seems to be some genuine understanding and recognition of our needs and stress points.  It was 2 years ago that I became acquainted with the lack of TSA preparedness with regard to transgender travelers.  I was pulled aside for a pat down because of an ‘anomaly’ on my bio scan.  To resolve the issue, I had to pull my packy out and show it to the TSA agents.  I’ve traveled many times and have had a variety of experiences with regard to scanning, pat-downs etc.  Some of them very unpleasant, some very professional.  I hope the latter is the trend of the future.

Just in case, though, I’m going to start carrying the newly posted TSA guidelines with me when I travel, so I can help educate agents who may not have really paid attention what management is communicating to the world.

I’ve got two links for you to check out.  One is the guideline itself, from the TSA website.  The other is a post about the guidelines on the Advancing Transgender Equality website.

Some items of note, from my perspective, from the TSA guideline:

  • Transgender travelers are encouraged to book their reservations such that they match the gender and name data indicated on the government-issued ID.
  • If a pat-down is chosen or otherwise necessary, private screening may be requested. Pat-downs are conducted by an officer of the same gender as presented by the individual at the checkpoint.
  • Travelers should neither be asked to nor agree to lift, remove, or raise any article of clothing to reveal a prosthetic and should not be asked to remove it.

As we know, individuals who are biased or in a bad mood, can always get around policy and recommendations if they wish.  I do not expect these guidelines to make travel for transgender and gender binary non-conforming individuals smooth and hassle free every time.  There is a lot of subjective language in the guidelines, enough to leave room for less than positive experiences for some of us.  Getting a pat-down by an individual who’s gender matches yours depends on your gender being on your ID, at the checkpoint.  My ID says female, my gender is mixed, I present masculine-to-male.  I have always gotten female agents.  Side note:  my wife asked if I’d want to be frisked by a male agent.  I’m ambivalent, but she’s of the opinion that female agents would be more liberal minded and flexible about gender identity than male agents.  Based on my experiences, women can be plenty inflexible, so I’m not sure it matters as much to me.

The guidelines use words like ‘should’ rather than something more firm like ‘will’ and I do wonder about the individual officer’s reaction to a traveler who asserted their rights to refuse a request to expose their prosthetic.  This remains to be seen.  I’ve gone through bio-scanners 4-6 times total and twice an ‘anomaly’ has been detected that has resulted in a pat-down.  Both times I was required to remove my packy for further inspection, the second time it was swabbed for bomb-material.  I’m hoping now that this guideline is on their website, that experience will not be repeated.

In the post on the ATE site they state this rather firmly:

In the event that a pat-down is required, it will only be conducted by an officer of the same gender as the traveler, based on the traveler’s gender presentation.

… but the guideline is mixed.  It speaks to matching the government issued ID, as presented at the checkpoint, but also says you’ll get an officer of the same gender you present.  Maybe I’m being nit-picky, but presenting an ID and presenting a gender are two different things to me.  The difference is potentially worrisome, I think.  Also, the interpretation of gender via presentation is not consistent or reliable, so keep that in mind.   Also, the TSA guidelines cover domestic travel.  If you travel internationally, you have to deal with the security protocols of each country you travel through.

If you feel that the agent(s) who you interact with are not respecting your rights, they encourage you to make contact:

Travelers who believe they have experienced unprofessional conduct at a security checkpoint are encouraged to request a supervisor at the checkpoint to discuss the matter immediately or to submit a concern to TSA’s Contact Center at: TSA-ContactCenter@dhs.gov.

Travelers who believe they have experienced discriminatory conduct because of a protected basis may file a concern with TSA’s Office of Civil Rights & Liberties, Ombudsman and Traveler Engagement at: Civil Rights for Travelers.

Travelers may also file discrimination concerns with the DHS Office for Civil Rights and Civil Liberties at: Civil Rights and Civil Liberties.

My experience with making that kind of contact have been very good. I had a series of communications with a representative from San Francisco International and one from Homeland Security after my first TSA pat-down and packy exposure incident.  I got more than lip service from them and that was before these guidelines came out, so I’m hoping things have only gotten better.  Let me know if you have transgender/gender binary non-conforming experiences.  I’m interested in how informed the agents are and how well they comply with the policies indicated on the TSA guidelines page.

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Posted in butch/trans/genderqueer, gender non-conforming, public service announcement, transgender | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment