Coming Out to The World… on the Topic of ‘Junk’ and Medical Transition

I’m working on an FAQ, one that I want to make available to co-workers, friends, family, etc. and I asked folks on Facebook to forward me questions that they thought I should address in my FAQ… I’ve gotten some great stuff, sometimes questions my friends wouldn’t themselves ask, but that they figured someone would be wondering at some point.  This is one such:

I honestly have no interest, Casey , but I’m sure people are going to want to know the status of your … ahem … Junk … and your future plans. Not sure it belongs on your FAQ, but I’m sure it will be of interest to others.

My first response ran along the lines of “I’m not talking about my junk or my plans for my junk in a FAQ, that information is ‘need to know’ and there are very few people who need to know.  And then I thought about it some more and posted this:

There is something serious I want to say on the topic of ‘junk’ or, more accurately, ‘medical transition’.. the surgeries and shots that people so commonly think of when they think about transgender people. Here’s a big helping of reality for you: not all transgender people go through medical transition. It’s not a default. Not everyone will get top surgery. And bottom surgery? That’s still a very, very, very young area of medical technology, we can’t just go in and get new junk and have it work perfectly. And hormones? Not everyone who’s masculine goes on testosterone either. In my mind there are three major categories of transition: medical, legal and social. Right now, I’m doing the third one. AND… let’s remember (or be reminded) that not all trans* people are identify with the gender binary (meaning we don’t all identify as strictly male or female) and what that means is that the notion of transition for us is not the same as transition for someone who does identify as either male or female. So.. the whole ‘junk’ question is not only a very personal and somewhat invasive thing to ask a trans* or non-binary person, it’s also not necessarily a question that’s easy to answer.

And later added:

I could have added more like “Sometimes people want medical transition but can’t, because access to surgery and hormones and the doctors who provide those means are not available to everyone. Sometimes people want medical transition of some kind but their health situation prevents it. Sometimes people want medical transition of some kind but they just can’t afford it. Sometimes people want medical transition of some kind but they are not safe to pursue it. Sometimes people are find with the bodies they have but want to transition in other ways, socially and/or legally. There is no single way to transition and that’s something the popular media is truly ignorant about.”

I’ve drafted a FAQ entry on the topic and I’d love feedback.  Keep in mind that my disclaimer on this FAQ is that it reflects my opinions and my opinions only unless I explicitly quote another source and further, though some of the information in my FAQ might apply to others, one should never make assumptions.

So when are you getting your surgery?

a) This is a question a lot of people ask, or want to ask, when they find out someone they know is transgender.  It’s a question you shouldn’t be asking.  It’s very personal and very invasive.  How comfortable are you talking about what’s between your legs to friends, family and co-workers?  Same goes for questions about other body parts.  I understand that medical transition (surgery, hormones, other medical intervention) may be fascinating to you.  My suggestion would be that you do some research on the internet if you’d like to more about the process.  Asking the transgender and genderqueer people you know about their ‘junk’ and what medical procedures they may or may not have will probably alienate them from you.

b) Part two of the answer is this:  not all transgender or genderqueer people go into medical transition.  It’s not a default.  The surgeries and hormones that are commonly associated with transgender people are not requirements for identifying as transgender.  Why might a transgender or genderqueer person not undergo medical transition?  The reasons are many and individual but some are:

     i.      It’s expensive and not all people who are trans/genderqueer have the money.  These procedures are generally not covered by medical insurance.

     ii.      It’s risky.  Some people who would like to transition medically cannot due to their existing health issues.

     iii.      It’s not always available.  Not only is medical transition not usually covered by medical insurance, depending on where a person lives, there might not be providers nearby who could facilitate the process.

     iv.      It’s not always safe.  Being transgender or gender non-conforming is still a magnet for violent response.  Especially for trans and genderqueer people of color, going through transition or even being obviously gender non-conforming may result in violent physical assault and/or murder.

     v.      It may not be what that individual needs or wants in order to feel whole.  The reason for any kind of transition (my opinion) is to become more yourself, to become more whole.  For some people, changing their presentation (haircut, clothing, mannerisms, pronouns) may be enough for that person to feel more authentically themselves.

vi.   Expanding on that last answer, a lot of the traditional notion of transition, especially ‘gender reassignment surgery’ (which we are now calling ‘gender affirmation surgery, btw), is around moving a person’s body from one end of the binary spectrum to another, as well as one can given current medical technology.  When you are a person who does not identify as male or female, what does transition and gender affirming surgery mean?  It might mean using testosterone, it might mean having some kind of surgery, it might not.  Individual needs, desires and capabilities with regard to transitioning to a more authentic version of themselves are going to vary widely.  Throw away what you think you know about transition and open your mind to the variety of paths people take.

     vii.  Don’t believe what you see on popular media.  Do your own research if you want to be truly educated on the topic.  Remember that what gets publicized is what sells and what sells is scandal, intrigue, sex and violence.  


c) So am I going to medically transition?  That’s ‘need to know’ information and the only people who need to know are the people intimate with me and any medical professionals who involved with the parts in question.  I realize it’s fascinating to know what’s going on with people’s junk but it’s really not everyone’s business.

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Coming Out At Work: Hearing My Pronouns in Use

Yesterday, I overheard a co-worker talking to a candidate for one of our proposals.  The co-worker, Bob, was getting some additional information for me.  Bob consistently and without hesitation used he/him/his when referring to me in that conversation.

I wanted to jump up and down and celebrate, or run around to his cubicle to hug him, but I restrained myself.  Today, I will thank him for it.

That’s one, 27 more to go.

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Coming Out At Work

I came out at work today, by way of an all-staff email.  This was a step I wasn’t going to take for another couple of weeks, but life takes funny turns sometimes.  After coming out to my parents (I’ll post about that separately), I posted to FB about coming out to them and made a statement about my identity and my preferred pronouns.  It went like this:

Alright. Now that I’ve come out to my parent’s as trans and genderqueer and had that conversation… it’s your turn.

Hi, I’m Casey. I’m a trans identified genderqueer person, specifically I identify as bi-gender (both male and female), with a very masculine tilt. I prefer he/him pronouns (they/them are also OK) and do not prefer she/her (they make me wince). I’d prefer you not use words like lady/woman/girl/chick/gal/ma’am/miss in reference to me, either in my hearing or not. I like guy/dude/man/sir/etc. a lot. Think of me as one of the guys, and things should work out pretty well.

If you have questions or would like to talk to me about terminology or anything else related to this, don’t hesitate to ask. I’m pretty friendly, most of the time

Some of my co-workers are my friends on Facebook and one of them read that post and went to one of my bosses asking if he should start using the correct pronouns at work.  That was the first my boss had heard about it because, as I said, I wasn’t going to do the work roll-out right away.  A couple of days after my post, my boss and I had a conversation on the phone where he jumped right in and asked if I wanted him and my other co-workers to start using he/him pronouns and what else I needed from him in terms of transition.  We talked a bit more about how we’d get the news out to clients and my professional references and talked more last Friday when we were both at the office.  That’s when I write this email and sent it to all staff:

I’m writing this email to bring everyone up to speed. I’ve been posting to Facebook about my gender identity and since some of you are connected to that page and you may have some idea what I’m writing about.

Hi, I’m Casey and I’m a transgender person.

For some of you, this isn’t news, for others who don’t know me as well, it may take a while to get your head around it. Either way, this is what it means to you:

I prefer to be seen as a guy. I prefer that you use he/him/his pronouns when talking about me. Using she/her/hers is no longer correct. I would also ask that you don’t refer to me as a lady/chick/gal/miss/ma’am/missus, instead use words like guy/dude/man/Sir/mister.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, here’s some more information about how I identify and relate to the world from the standpoint of gender.

I do not identify as strictly male or female, instead I identify as male and female. Male/Female is known as the gender binary and from that perspective, I identify as non-binary. Another term I use is bi-gender (two gender) and genderqueer. If you’re curious about those and other terms related to non-binary genders, I know some great resources you can read and I’m also available if you want to talk to me directly.

Let’s recap: I am a transgender person who identifies as male and female, tilted to the masculine side of the spectrum, and I prefer masculine pronouns and terms.

Depending on the situation, you may hear the gender neutral plural pronouns used in reference to me or other people who identify as non-binary. ‘They/them/theirs’ may feel awkward or wrong when referring to an individual, but they are becoming more widely used and accepted.

I will be working with the management team on rolling this information out to the clients I’m working with, and I will be communicating with my professional references as well. If you have questions or concerns, I’d be happy to talk to you about them, or you can run your questions through BossDude.

Oh, and another thing, since BossDude brought this up when we talked the other day: I know that some of you have known me for years now and using she/her pronouns is a habit that will take time to change. I know all about that because I’ve had to go through the process with a lot of friends. I won’t chew you out for slipping a ‘she’ or ‘her’ in there but I will raise an eyebrow or correct you depending on the situation. The main thing is your intent. As long as you working towards respecting my preferred pronouns and terms, I won’t have a problem with occasional slip-ups.

I am a bit of a geek when it comes to gender identity, so if you want to talk gender sometime, I’m all for it. If you’d rather read about it, feel free to ask and I’ll send you links to some great resources online. I’m considering writing a FAQ.

I got a couple of responses back, both positive and supportive.  I work for a company of consultants.  Most of us work at client offices so we rarely see each other around the home office.  We have monthly staff lunches, the next one is in a couple of weeks.  I guess that’ll be when I have a chance to see how more of my co-workers are reacting to the news.  I doubt I’ll hear direct negative comments.  I might get questions, though some might not want to ask them for fear of appearing ignorant.  The guys I’m closest with, a group of about 6, have been in on my progression over the past few years.  We had lunch on Friday and it was nice to talk to them about my coming out messages and get their support.  And then we got back to the serious business of talking about geek stuff and beer.

 

 

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“What is the worst that could happen?”

I’ve realized something recently, something about the way I handle my true truths and the way I reveal or hide them from others.  I’ve had a hard time opening up to some people in my life about what I really want from them with regard to my gender, how I want to be seen and related to.  I’ve held back because I’m unsure about the reaction I’ll get and because the people I’ve had the hardest time coming fully out to are also people who are super important to me.  In other words, when I have more to lose, I’m reluctant to risk that loss, I’m protective of myself.  And yet, these the people I am desperate to have know me fully.

My therapist asked, “What is the worst that could happen?”

Rejection. Disbelief. Dismissal.  Abandonment.

“Has any of that happened so far?”

We were specifically talking about my wife and my difficulty opening up to her about my gender, my struggles.  Apparently, I can tell my close friends, and all of you readers and all the people on two different Facebook accounts and everyone in twitter… but when it comes to talking to my wife face to face about my gender and my preferred pronouns and what changes I want in my life, I freeze up, freak out and shut down.

This has been a point of pain for both of us, my wife and I.  She’s been turning to mutual friends, trying to get some insight on what’s going on with me, frustrated with the way I open up to everyone else but can’t or won’t speak directly to her.  She’s felt the distance, felt the space I put between us and felt hurt and also helpless to help since I’m not reaching out to her.

Part of my resistance is fear about what kind of reaction she’d give me, not for a lack of love or respect, but because it’s hard to find out after 20 years that the person you’re married to is …. well… more/different than the person you believed you were making a life with.  She hasn’t always reacted in ways I’d hoped for when presented with such revelations.  When my therapist asked me to consider the reactions I’d received so far and to really consider the likelihood that my fears would come true, I realized that she wasn’t going to do any of those things, wasn’t likely to break-up with me, or tell me I’m wrong about myself.  She has been growing and learning and taking her own journey in response to mine.  And when I have opened up to h er, she hasn’t rejected me or dismissed me.  She’s asked questions, good ones, pointed ones and at times hard ones.  Nothing wrong with that, that’s a part of her process and it’s important for me to respond to her questions, to the difficulties she’s having.  My therapist was pointing out that since the world hadn’t ended yet, there was no reason to believe that it would now.  Or the next time I had something new to disclose.

During this recent therapy session, I realized there was another element at play here and that is my instinct to protect the people I love, not just from danger but from discomfort.   I felt the need to protect others from my complexity, feeling guilty because I don’t have a neat and tidy identity, something easy to recognize and become accustomed to.  The changes I’ve been bringing about have created discomfort for her.  And thinking ahead, I’m considering my family, my friends, the people I work with.  Learning to use a new set of pronouns was probably going to be uncomfortable and challenging for everyone.  Learning not to use feminine terms for me, to see me as something other than man or woman is going to be a stretch for a lot of people.  I imagine some of them won’t react well to that challenge.

For a couple of years now, I’ve been living a dual life – staying cloaked among the people I’m physically around the most but out to a growing number of people through this blog, public events and social media.  The overlap between those two worlds is growing and keeping things separate is less and less practical.  I’ve held off bringing all of this to my daily life, partly to protect myself and this new, tender skin I’ve been growing and also to protect all my day-to-day people from the discomfort and challenge of changing the way they interact and talk about me.  Protecting them from me, protecting me from what I fear their reactions will be.

As I’ve explored and experimented with different ways to express and talk about my gender, I’ve felt free to switch things up, to change my mind about pronouns and labels, to change my mind about how I describe my sexuality.  All of it has basically been one big experiment with myself as the petri dish.  Waiting to see what would grow.  Not feeling the need to commit to anything to solidly or permanently — it’s easy to change things up online and with a small group of people who know the all-of-me.  Not so easy to do it once I’ve brought my whole life into the mix, and so I’ve held back on the bigger coming out event.

As happens sometimes, I wasn’t sure exactly what it was I wanted to come out about until I sat down to talk to my wife about it in that aforementioned conversation.  I’d been particularly walled off for several days and things had gotten really tense between us.  My interpretation was that she was mad at me, which made me angry.  Her interpretation was that I was keeping things from her, which hurt her feelings and made her fearful.  A mutual friend, who’d been hearing from both of us finally called us on it and basically ordered us to talk to each other.

It was a very necessary conversation, not easy, but necessary.  She asked me to be direct, to not hold back. I was nervous, I wasn’t sure it was a good idea, but she insisted.  She told me she loved me and she knew I’d been holding back and she wanted me to open up to her, she needed me to.  We talked about a lot of things and eventually we came around to pronouns.  I told her that I preferred he/him or they/them pronouns, that she/her was harder and harder for me to hear.  I was worried how she’d respond.  ’She/her’ had been important to her, it was a way to signal her queerness to others when I wasn’t present.  I told her that I didn’t want to push her into anything or take anything away from her, but at the same time she/her felt wrong to me now.  She thought about it for a moment and said that she’d already started to use pronouns less when referring to me and that she’d start using they/them.

I sat there and smiled.  She smiled.  We smiled at each other, relieved.  It was a big moment.  She’d asked me to be direct and the result was that she was supportive and loving.  She hadn’t scoffed, she hadn’t tried to argue me out of it.  The world had not ended.  Instead, we’d taking a big step closer.  And I’d taken a big step forward.  And with her accepting and loving and supporting me in this, I suddenly felt a weight lift off my shoulders.

The experiment has proceeded and something has grown in the petri dish.  I finally know what I want to ask from the rest of the world.  I suddenly felt there was no reason to hold back from telling everyone, from letting everyone into my bigger picture.  I finally know how to come out about my gender.  And I feel much more secure in the process.  I came out to my nurse practitioner last week, she knew that I was identifying as genderqueer but I hadn’t talked to her about pronouns.  I told her about not being a she/her and my preferences and also that feminine terms didn’t fit me anymore either.  She told me that she respected me, thanked me for telling her and that she’d support me in any way she could.  She was a friendly audience — my NP is a butch dyke running a women’s health clinic founded by one of the butchest feminist lesbians our town has ever known — but still, my heart was hammering in my throat.   I felt so high after that conversation, I wanted to run all over town and tell everyone I knew.

My parents are coming to visit at the end of the month, so I’m going to sit down with them and talk about gender and pronouns.  My mom is plugged in to one of my FB pages, so she knows a lot already but they deserve a face-to-face conversation.  I want a chance to talk to them, hear their questions, tell my story.  I’m nervous but not fearful about their reaction.  My brother has been calling me ‘bro’ and using he/him for a while now.

I know that face-to-face works best all around, but there are so many people to come out to, to have that conversation with, that I’m feeling impatient and overwhelmed.  I’ve been thinking that coming out to my employers and co-workers (and clients) could come later, but since talking to my wife and coming out to my NP, it’s harder and harder to hear ‘she/her’, ‘woman’, etc. in reference to me.  I’ve thrown some things up on Facebook and for some, that’s enough. (my sister-in-law, for example, asked if I’d prefer my nephews call me uncle rather than aunt.  I told her I’d love to be called uncle, but being called aunt wouldn’t hurt my feelings… as long as they used he/him or they/them).

I’ve gone from holding back out of nerves and fear, and some protective instinct, to feeling impatient and wishing I had a way to notify everyone at once about what I need from them.  And that’s part of the risk, right?  When we come out to people, there’s something we want, something we need.  Recognition, respect, support, continued friendship and love.  Coming out as queer seems simple in comparison (at least from my experience).  If I talked about my girlfriend to co-workers, I was coming out.  If I walked into a family dinner with her, I was coming out.  If I walked down the street holding her hand, I was coming out all over the place.

Coming out trans, especially non-binary identified trans, seems a lot harder.  It takes way more talking, I can’t just walk around and have people know that I’m genderqueer, that I identify as both male and female but prefer masculine pronouns.  No, that takes conversations, lots of them, one by one, maybe some in groups.  And if I want to be sure the message has been delivered, I need to do that delivery face-to-face.

It’s stressful to contemplate, exhausting in advance.  And exciting.  Really exciting.

I’ve gone from worrying about the worst that could happen to thinking about the best that could happen.

 

 

 

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Posted in butch/trans/genderqueer, exploring gender, finding me, gender, gender non-conforming, genderqueer, I'm taking the wheel, my genderqueer life, non-conforming gender presentation, The Therapy Chronicles, This Genderqueer LIfe, transgender | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Catching Up On … Writing News

In the past couple of months, I’ve submitted three pieces of writing and had two accepted.  The third is in the mix as of yesterday.

At the beginning of the year, I set some goals for writing.  I wanted to work on my novel, I wanted to get an e-book published and… I didn’t have any goals for publishing anything.  I was hoping that I’d get a transcript pulled together.

I have a collection of stories from this blog that I’m going to publish as an e-book.  I’ve done a little editing but mostly want to present them as they appeared in the blog.  So what’s keeping me from finishing it up and popping it out of the electronic womb for ya’ll to snatch up?  The eternal limitation, Time.

See, I was gonna do it, I got started on it and then these opportunities came up to submit work to anthologies and… and… AND.. the submissions have been accepted.  Apparently, 2014 is a very different year than 2013 and 2012 and… so on.

The next publishing opportunity and one that I’ve been wanting for a while is BLE 2015.  Well, I’ve wanted to break into the BLE franchise for a while and my next opportunity is April 1st.  I wouldn’t be considering it, except that a story came to me the other day.  A dirty story, a dirty butch on butch story.  I think it’s pretty good and the key to it getting better is for me to finish it and have some trusted people read it and give me some editing feedback.  Which means, I need to get it into editable shape within the next two weeks.

Oh god, another deadline.

But OK, that’s fine, I can handle it, but I do need a break.  So for about a week, I want to write what I want to write when I want to write it.  That sounds about right.

Oh! And I need to update my submissions statistics…

Me and My Boi: Queer Erotica… submitted a story that didn’t make it through the final cut for BLE 2o13, with some editing help from friends and BOOM!  Accepted.  The editor, Sacchi Green, gave me some great feedback, just a couple of suggestions, and helped me improve the piece.  i don’t know when it’s going to be published but I’m really looking forward to it.

Letters For My Siblings, from Transgress Press… an anthology of stories about and from genderqueer people.  I wrote up my take on that subject, had some friends read it and give me feedback and BOOM! Accepted.  Sixty plus submissions were made, a few of us got through that gauntlet.  I received some editing direction and I’ll need to work on it and resubmit it before April 1.

So much for slowing down, eh?

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Stories from the Queer Side…

From offbeatfamilies, a story about a Lesbian Dad

Since our son Leo was born, my partner JB has chosen to go by “Dad” rather than some variation of mother. I won’t go into too much detail about her gender identity or why “Mom” wasn’t an option because it’s more complex than this introductory paragraph allows — and it’s not my story to tell. Basically, it boils down to the fact that she feels more like a dad than a mom.

 

And this one, about how consensual BDSM can be good for you

Consensual sadomasochism was long considered pathological, but psychologists studying people interested in BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism) have failed to find evidence that these sexual practices are harmful. One study, published in May 2013, actually found that practitioners of BDSM were better off than the general population in some ways, including having secure relationships and lower anxiety. Currently, the psychiatrists’ definitive handbook, the DSM-5, lists BDSM as a paraphilia, or unusual sexual fixation, but only classifies it as a disorder if it causes harm.

Check out the picture, three people sent me that link saying they thought it was of me… hint, I’m not the one wearing the red high heels.

 

Dateline: MOHAI (Museum of History and Industry, Seattle WA), Feb 14th – July 6th, 2014 — An exhibit called ‘Revealing Queer‘ is now showing:

MOHAI proudly presents Revealing Queer, a landmark exhibit exploring how the Puget Sound LGBTQ community has grown, changed, become more visible, and worked towards equality. Informed throughout by the lived experiences of this incredibly diverse population, the exhibit traces its history from an emerging underground group in the years before the Stonewall Riots of 1969, to the large and politically active community that helped make marriage equality law in Washington State in 2012. Visitors will discover this complex history through a variety of themes, including language, significant cultural spaces, queer celebrations, regional law, and more. The artifacts, photographs, and documents that fill the exhibit have come both from MOHAI’s collection and from donors across the country—many have not been seen before by the public. -

 

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Posted in butch/trans/genderqueer, community, genderqueer, it's a queer, parenting, public service announcement, queer life | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

The Unintentional Time Traveler … In Print and E-Book

Remember a little while back when I reviewed Everett Maroon’s Unintentional Time Traveler?  Well, it’s now available in print and e-book form.

Story Summary:

Fifteen-year-old Jack Bishop has mad skills with cars and engines, but knows he’ll never get a driver’s license because of his epilepsy. Agreeing to participate in an experimental clinical trial to find new treatments for his disease, he finds himself in a completely different body—that of a girl his age, Jacqueline, who defies the expectations of her era. Since his seizures usually give him spazzed out visions, Jack presumes this is a hallucination. Feeling fearless, he steals a horse, expecting that at any moment he’ll wake back up in the clinical trial lab. When that doesn’t happen, Jacqueline falls unexpectedly in love, even as the town in the past becomes swallowed in a fight for its survival. Jack/Jacqueline is caught between two lives and epochs, and must find a way to save everyone around him as well as himself. And all the while, he is losing time, even if he is getting out of algebra class.

Get it on Kindle for $2.99 … a steal, seriously!

Get it in print for $11.68… great deal!

 

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e[Lust] #55… featuring Luscious and many other hot stories

rose Photo courtesy of Sex with Rose

Welcome to e[lust] - The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at e[lust]. Want to be included in e[lust] #56? Start with the rules, come back March 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Why I Post Nude Photos (and blog about sex)
Discovering Myself Through My Strap-On
Sex Toy Shaming and Bigoted Wise Cracks, FTW!

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Aftercare and BDSM Play
Two worlds

~ Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Erotic Fiction

Come Again
Undiluted
Shudder
Tattoo
And When I Take You…..
Ride on the Night bus
Superotica Valentine – Day 1
The spelling lesson

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Please let me just say “no.”
5 Easy Mistakes to Make While Flirting
SexyLittleIdeas – The Woman in the Dark Alley
Comparisons
Treasured Property
Supporting Love and Freedom
Predicting My Own Future
Let’s Go Down Again
How to eat my pussy
10 (non-sexual) ways to be intimate with your
Permission to be Human: Granted.
Squirting: What Science Says

Erotic Non-Fiction

Date with V. (N. Likes)
Luscious
Saving Movie Night
Wicked Wednesday: Nervous
The Painter
Stolen Moments Turn Into Treasured Memories
The Art of the Blow Job and Deepthroat
Stun Guns & Happiness
Fatal’s First Time (with a Hitachi)
First Session
Probation Officer #145: Bowre of blisse 9
Trust Games

Blogging

you will ask Me to fuck your ass
Fish & Chips
This is not an invitation
Men I Have Known
My Storyyy (Trigger Warning)

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

More Than Whips and Chains
Being shouted at: kink or abuse?
Explaining violence and sex
Awww Yeah – Targeted Marketing!
Grass is always greener – swinging
Lazy Dog Sex Position

Sex News,Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Valentine’s Day Sex Toy Selections
Discovering My Sexuality
Pathologizing Male Aggression

Poetry

Sex is…


elustbutton200

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All Work And No Play…

Makes Kyle a grumpy, tired boy.

I have gotten a little down time lately but my days have been dominated by work related stressing and pressure.  Evening comes around and I just want to watch the tube or read something light or head out for beers with a friend.  I have bunches of cool stuff to tell you all about but I’m exhausted by the time I get done with my work day.  Anyhow, just wanted to stop in and say “Hi” and let you know I miss posting (hopefully, you miss me, too).  Hoping to get back into the swing of things soon, but first I have to get my head around a new role I have with my job and stop feeling so overwhelmed.

Love, Kyle

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Unrequited

An assignment from my writing class, a Year of Writing. 

Was it unrequited love or a promising crush that didn’t get off the ground?  I don’t know at this point, I just know that when I see her picture unexpectedly on social media sites, I feel something like an emotional cramp, a catch in my side at how close we came to living out some of the fantasies we shared in small chat windows and lengthy, detailed email messages.

She move away shortly after telling me that nothing was going to happen between us, that she was going to reconcile with her girlfriend.  Shortly after our one and only kiss.

I’d walked her out to her car, it was dark and cold.  She unlocked the passenger side door and put her bag inside.  Then she walked around to the driver’s side.  I was standing there, hands in pockets, watching as she walked around the front of her car.  She put the key in the lock and paused.

I stepped forward as she turned to face me, to say goodbye. I closed the gap between us and held her arms lightly.  She didn’t pull away, so I leaned into her, pressing her back against the car and tilting my face to kiss her.  She was a couple of inches taller than I.  She returned the kiss and I momentarily felt her body yield, felt her welcome my weight against her.

Then the moment was gone.  She pushed away slightly, looking upset.

I was caught halfway between feeling sorry for what I’d done and feeling triumphant.

“I just wanted to know.. how it would have felt … with us.”  It was half explanation, half apology.  She closed her eyes in response, my face still only inches from hers.

“Yes… It would have… ” A kind of anguished whisper, she didn’t finish the sentence.  She didn’t have to.  I stepped back.  She’d made her decision and I’d promised to respect it.

She turned to her car again, opened the door and turned back toward me.  “I’ll see you around, sometime.”

I raised my hand, already walking backwards away from her, to the other side of the street.  “Yeah, see you.”

I knew I wouldn’t see her and so did she.  If we saw each other it would be unplanned and extremely awkward.  She started her engine, gave me a wave and then she was gone.

I’d wanted to know what it would have felt like, to have a taste of who we could have been to each other before I let go of her forever.  Before I let go of the possibility of us.  Her lips were soft but eager and for those few seconds, I could feel that surge of energy connecting us.  The heat that we’d talked about on the phone, that we’d felt through the screen, it was there between us.  And we let it go, it was a smolder that we didn’t allow to grow to a flame.

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